Wannabe Sugarbaby

Men Are Like Boomerangs; They Always Come Back

2012-01-26T01:32:00.004-05:00

My darlings it's been far too long! Since my last entry much has changed, I've been in communication with many of my Ex SDs and Pots.

Some of my relationships have changed drastically, others not so much. As you know, my focus is strictly on what feeds my bottom line and out with what doesn't.

Gino Update:
I ran into Gino recently. Much to my surprise, and yours I'm sure, he invited me to dinner.
Being the polite lady that I am, I obliged and joined him the next Friday for a meal and drinks. The conversation that evening was remarkable. Gino expressed regret for every slight he made towards me in the past. Since I last saw him he's been once married and once divorced. He relayed that he felt unprepared for a serious relationship when we were together. Therein laid the explanation for his behavior.

Unfortunately, I am completely over Gino in every way a woman can be over a man.
He sends me presents. Chocolates, flowers and exclusive invitations to show openings but I must not accept. To do so would encourage him to have a dire misunderstanding of my intentions.

When I read my previous entries I feel completely disconnected. Gino missed his chance entirely. I can only hope never to make the same mistake.

Lesson:
Be in the moment. Treasure what you have now, you may never get another chance to do so.

To be continued...

UPDATE: Sugardaddies and etc.

2010-11-08T12:12:00.010-05:00

"All young ladies of spunk and massive intellect sample life with a rich codger-it's a rite of passage."

-- E. Jean, courtesy of Yeva SB

From SF Sugarbaby's Facebook. I loved this quote so much I had to borrow it, hope you don't mind ;)

For those who haven't befriended me on Facebook (I'm a lot more active there), here's a little update on a few men that have courted me in the past few months.

Mr. Coffee Shop: We met unexpectedly at a local coffee shop (hence the name, très creative I know). He was on the prowl, I had my head low and blinders on while working on a major project. He slid into the seat next to me, made a smooth introduction and departed with his card in my hand. Subsequently, we've met on several occasions. I'm not physically attracted to him but I find our chats engaging. He could teach me a lot. Recently I decided I wanted an arrangement with him, I dismissed his advances in the past but I've warmed up. But alas, time, that fickle creature was not on my side. He is currently knee deep in family issues and promised to get in touch in the near future. Which he will, I'm sure.

Luigi: The man who gifted me an iPhone the first time we met. I enjoyed spending time with him but there's a language barrier. After many lunches and dinners that felt like English tutoring lessons my interest waned. Eventually I stopped returning his calls. Out of nowhere he contacted me recently requesting a lunch date. I obliged. It was more of the same, constantly pausing to restructure his sentences in a way that is familiar to me. So draining! He insists his English has gotten better, it is me that makes him so tongue tied. As we were wrapping up our lunch date he requested my presence at dinner later that evening. I was taken aback. On one hand I'm flattered by his eagerness but it's a bit much. A bright red stalker-status flag went up as I politely declined. He's very aware of my needs, I've been explicit with him on numerous occasions - "if you want to continue to see me, I need some financial assistant." But I don't think he gets it and probably never will.

Mr. Forbes: The wealthiest man that has ever pursued me. Initially, my feelings for him were strong, we have a lot in common and got close quickly. Over time I came to realize he loved his freedom much more. He keeps company with a stable of women ready to do as he wishes at the drop of a pin. Though he has many qualities I admire, he isn't the one for me. I'm just glad I didn't fuck him.

My work is taking up most of my time but in the upcoming months I'll be attending private parties, volunteering at local fundraisers and actively looking for my next Sugar Daddy. Happy hunting!

Now and Then

2010-11-04T15:07:00.001-05:00

Sometimes I read my past posts and revel at my naiveté. I was so young and went through so many men! This blog is a gift to myself. Maybe one day it will be a book but I feel lucky to have documented my growth.

When I began this journey… I was very young and fresh, unsure of where I would land. I was trying to figure out many things but I knew I wanted something grand. Then, it was a man, one that could support me completely and lavish me with expensive things. That was ultimate nirvana to me. I was in school and although that was paid in full by my parents luxuries were hard to come by, so was freedom. I yearned for freedom. Being the wild child that I was, I found a way to be free, in way… through men. Only now as I look back do I see a pattern of choosing unavailable men, specifically married men. They really are the easiest sugar daddies. Married men have another full and demanding life completely separate from me. When we meet our interaction is meant to be light hearted fun, no heavy bullshit. I love that, it makes me happy to know I am blessing someone’s life with love and positive energy and no bullshit. In turn my bills are paid and I live in luxury. Until it ends, as it always does.

Now… I am a woman, a captain of my own ship. I am completely in charge of any destiny I want to create and I am very aware of that. The majority of my time is spent pursuing my dreams, independent of wealthy men. Although I use my sexuality for personal gain in different way, I no longer chase accomplished men, they gravitate to me when I’m not looking and I usually turn them down. I feel freer than I’ve ever felt, I feel in control. Perhaps that’s what they admire, a woman who knows who she is and is unwilling to settle for less than she’s worth. In these days of nsa relationships and pay for play arrangements that must be rare.

Thank you for the comments of concern about my last relationship. It was a difficult time. I wrote that post a while ago but only chose to publish it recently, after all the residual emotional effect was gone. I’ve since gone on trips with The Asshole of the Century and our relationship has changed drastically, I’ll be sure to give him a more fitting name in the future. It was only after spending several nights with him, in separate beds of course, that I was sure I no longer harbored feelings for him. Now I only feel basic human compassion with a twinge of pity for him. “Staying together for the kids” is a rough position to be in. His life is devoid of unbridled passion, and certainly he can continue to pursue but he will never have complete freedom with a woman that he truly loves because of his obligations. I understand it, which doesn’t make his lies and deceit acceptable, but it does make him more humane in my eyes. I want to see him happy, I carry no ill-will towards him. And I sincerely hope he has learned from his wrong doings.

He wasted two and a half years of my life and didn’t think twice about it. His selfish inclinations have upped my guard and compounded my fear of commitment but I’m working through it. I strive to learn from all my experiences and he provided an important lesson. Never question your intuition, as a woman ours are stronger for a reason. If you feel it, you must react. Do not delay. And never, ever, trust a man completely.

Pain is part of life, we learn most from our greatest struggles. Emotionally, this was my greatest accomplishment, being able to truly forgive, move on, and grow.

The Asshole of the Century

2010-10-27T07:19:00.005-05:00

For more than two years I developed and nurtured an intimate relationship with a man I now consider the “Asshole of the Century.” I’m not one to use insults lightly, his is well suited. We met through mutual friends in a bustling bar. At first, I gave him as much rope as I give any man. Jaded by my experiences with Gino and countless others I hadn’t the ability to open myself up willingly. But with time, he whittled at my efforts, building up a strong wind of persistence against my wall. Brick by brick I came crumbling down. He was much older and more experienced. I was the lamb, one of many in his flock and I fell in love with him unexpectedly.

Our roles changed, immediately and mercilessly.

My initial reaction was to run but eventually he caught up and overtook the resistant and nubile dove. As they say, the chase is the most engaging part of the courtship. I now know this to be true within men.

Once he caught me, I was so eager to believe everything he said that I neglected to pay attention to his actions. I was in love. The roles were reversed and I became the pursuer. A role that I did not particularly enjoy. Every word he uttered, I believed. Even when I felt the pang of distrust, I brushed it to the recesses of my mind, eager to believe the fairy tale was true - I had found more than a sugar daddy, a soul mate that I could be with forever.

He gifted to me some of my most precious belongings. Cars, jewelry, he took me on trips to 5 star resorts. He was my personal genie, granting all that I wished. And I loved him for it. The lifestyle itself was worth sticking around for, but his love was an addiction.

The nagging voice within me could not be quieted, I questioned him, raising my concerns and insisting he fess up, “what’s really going on?” “I feel like you’re hiding something, what is it?”

In the face of my inquisition he held steady, quieting my fears with kisses and unbounded lavishness that pacified me for the time being. Eventually my fantasy gave way to a reality I never wanted to exist. Reality was that he was married and had a son. In fact he had birthed another with his “ex wife” while we were together.

Though I had been suspicious all along, the news cut me like a knife. For many months I had not the energy to breathe a word to him directly. Pain consumed me. It ate me up till a point I could not look at another human of his sex in the eye. And I let it, until I had had enough. I wanted to feel light again, so I chose to let it go rather than hold it within me like a cancer continuously spreading.

Shortly after I began another relationship. A rebound that ended, as all rebounds do, badly.

My process of internal healing began with a phone call from him… Up till then I had held his pain and schemed of ways to destroy his life like he did mine. Would I report the relationship to his “wife”? Would I pen a juicy story and submit it to the New York Times? Granted his position and his power, there’s no doubt it would have settled on the first page and I would’ve been handsomely rewarded.

In the end I decided against seeking vengeance. My inner voice spoke and swayed me from a position of attack to one of forgiveness and internal renewal. We met in person to discuss his wrongs.

Interestingly enough, he took my mercy as weakness. As soon as the words of forgiveness left my lips, his were on mine, wanting and seeking the sexual relationship we once had. I had immediate flashbacks to the numerous times I asked what it took to make him happy, he’d whisper “As long as you continue to fuck me good, I’ll be around, that’s what makes me happy.” With his charming smile and wink, I was sure he was joking. Only now am I sure of his sincerity, he was serious as a heart attack. His only concern was for sweet young pussy and I was the one to supply it.

For the first time I saw him for what he was. A pussy hungry man with a thirst for something to quench the desert of his unhappy marriage, someone as young and naive as me. He was completely hopeless and grasping for anything he could catch. Truly, pitifully sad.

Recently he has tried ardently to get in touch. Sending me gifts on Christmas, asking me to join him on trips and pursing me incessantly. I have told him, in an earnest manner, that he has no chance. The trust I once had in him is now forever gone. Yet I feel my words only propel him to do more. As if I’m some sort of adolescent challenge. At times I want to say “GO FUCK YOURSELF WITH A RUSTY POLE YOU BOTTOM FEEDING LEECH.” But I hold my tongue, and my emotions. Because he doesn’t deserve a reaction from me. And partially… because somewhere deep inside I have feelings for him.

But he’s invited me on a trip for the umpteenth time and I’ve finally agreed to go… with baited breath I await. The anticipation is nearly killing me. Because although I’d like to think I’m strong enough to survive his antics, I fear I am not. Within my heart there may still lay love for him… God help me.

The Love of my Life?

2010-09-20T03:07:00.001-05:00

So I’m up at 3 in the morning reflecting on the recent choices I’ve made regarding men. Something shocking came to me out of absolutely nowhere, maybe Michael was my greatest love? When I truly think about it I’ve been after material gain for 5+ years, the sugardaddy search is about acquiring things and living comfortably. And I have. I’ve received property as gifts, and cars and jewelry but receiving luxuries in exchange for sex has left me feeling quite jaded and distrustful of men. I’ve embarked on shallow relationships that padded my self worth but left my heart aching.

Michael was someone I could talk to about anything, he was like family. I’ve since moved from the hometown I grew up in but the last time I visited we made plans to get together at a familiar haunt of ours. One of the last posh lounges left standing post-recession.

We caught up, he was single but I was still seeing The Asshole of the Century. It felt just like old times, but he had packed on some pounds and I’ve never been drawn to pudgy. It was getting late, me too tipsy to drive and his place, conveniently walking distance. He offered his couch to crash on, and I obliged. But when we arrived he got uncomfortably close and dove in for a kiss even after I’d swatted him off. Eventually he gave up, passed out in his room with his dog, but not without a true-hearted confession, “Tiff, I have never felt the way I do with you with any other girl… I compare all of them to you.” The timing threw me off but upon reflection I must admit I feel exactly the same way…

After that night he dodged my calls and I haven’t spoken to him since. Being immersed in the drama of my life as of late, I haven’t given him a second though till now. I’ve decided to reach out to him again and re-spark our friendship, see where it goes, who knows? Maybe he truly is the love of my life.

The Ultimate in Status -- Black AmEx

2010-03-08T12:40:00.004-05:00

She'sssss back! My favorite highly sexually charged intellectual is blogging again. Izzy of Sarong Party Girl has been updating her blog regularly, read about some of her escapades and become inspired. I've added her link in the "Blogs I Read" section.

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I met BA (Black Amex) through a regular dating site. I soon as I saw him I knew he was a liar. In his profile he said he was 6 feet tall, yet as we stood side by side, I had over an inch on him. I did have 4 inch heels on, but even with I shouldn't have flanked him. But I kept an open mind, eager to give this "regular dating" thing a real shot. We went to an upscale restaurant, my favorite in fact. The first thing he did as we sat down was ask for the wine list and order the most expensive bottle of champagne. Way to impress! I knew this would be a good night.

We talked and got to know each other over dinner. He came from a stable family and experienced a privileged lifestyle, not unlike myself. During our conversation I did most of the talking, asking him questions about himself, otherwise it was dead air. Being as it was my favorite restaurant, he requested I order for him and I obliged. This was a rare situation, most men insist on ordering for me! After dinner we toasted to the excellent meal with the last drops of champage. It wasn't till after that, when I forgot to make a ladylike exit for the bathroom as the check came, that I noticed it. The black card with platinum letters and numbers on it. The unmistakeable symbol of status, peeking out from the corner of the black leather pay envelope, the Black AmEx.

I pretended not to see it. After dinner we left the restaurant for a nightclub nearby. As the night progressed, I got quite bored with him. Texted friends and asked how I could make a polite exit from the date. It was time to escape, despite the allure of the black amex. Eventually I simply told him I was tired and as the gentleman he is he got up, paid the bill and walked me to my car. Not before leaning in for a kiss, which by the way, left much to be desired. I simply wasn't attracted to him.

I tried to give him some time, because he was a gentleman and the Black Amex didn't hurt. But Alas, it simply wasn't meant to be, eventually I suggested we just be friends but he wasn't able to handle that. So we have, or rather he has ended communications. So be it. My quest continues. What a time we would've had with his card though! Penthouse hotel suites, bottles in Vegas, every opulent experience you can imagine. It's just as well, I think I'm looking for something deeper and stronger than a credit card with a high limit.

Regs vs. Pots

2010-03-01T20:22:00.002-05:00

Luigi (aka Mr. iPhone) is tall, with all his hair and a thick accent. Because he’s foreign, about half of our time is spent with me teaching him the correct way to say certain words and phrases. Oy vey, I never knew teaching was in my future. It feels too much like work! After spending a few hours with him, my brain is literally tired from playing English teacher and a nap is necessary.

On one hand Luigi has shown a lot of promise. He’s a married man with children who are no longer at home and is seriously contemplating a divorce. I think it would've already occurred if it wasn't for his children and the hefty divorce settlement wifey is entitled to.

Today between meeting for dinner and chatting on the phone, we spent 6 hours in communication. It’s not that I didn’t enjoy it but at the end of the day, what is he offering, is he worth this amount of attention? True, on the first date he gave me an iphone because I said I loved it and would like to get one. And yes, we do meet at only the best restaurants. But I’m eager for an allowance to be a topic of conversation. The Sugar Lifestyle has spoiled me; I expect allowances to be discussed on the first date and cash in my hand as a show of good intent.

Unfortunately, I met him on a regular dating site, despite his married status. Being direct about an allowance will do me no good, it might even scare him. In the past 4 years while he and his wife haven’t been intimate he has taken care of her and his children because they are his responsibilities. He’s looking for a girlfriend, so I have faith he will take good care of me as he has done with them.

Luigi is rich. He comes from a very wealthy family and has a penchant for beautiful things. Luckily, unlike Jeffrey, he places a high value on substance as well. I think I need to be a bit patient with this one. I’ll give him a month and if I don’t see any improvement in the form of gifts and an allowance, I will introduce the allowance conversation myself.

:Sidebar:

A popular question is and always will be, how do you ask for help?
I’m not shy, I continuously throw out hints of things I need or places I would like to visit.
Since Luigi is a reg (regular guy from a regular dating site) and not a pot (potential sugardaddy from a sugardaddy site). The conversations are slightly different. In the beginning we date like any other couple. We dine at fine restaurants, spend quality time, get to know each other well and figure out where we fit in each other’s lives.

While we’re dating, I’ll throw out comments to gauge his ability to respond to my needs;

“My car is in the shop, and I have no idea how to pay for it.”

“I love XXX in the summertime, there’s nothing like skinny dipping in the ocean.”

“I’ve always wanted XXX, but could never afford it.”

If he responds positively by getting me what I need, then he gets to stick around. As with the sugar daddies, no sex until I begin to receive some sort of help. I think of it as breaking him in.

Your interest can’t be his money alone, otherwise he will feel used. I am truly in the market for a boyfriend and potentially a husband. Relationships take time to grow, especially without the mutually beneficial protocols of a SD/SB relationship.

:End of Sidebar:

As I get older I’m starting to see the power of being a woman. I’m not afraid to get up and walk away from someone who is clearly not deserving of my time.

We are in charge; most of us just don’t know it yet. A beautiful woman can get a man to eat out of her __________. You fill in the blank. If we can do that, getting him to buy a Vuitton or pay rent is nothing. The trick is to always date men with money. And the ultimate goal is to marry a man with loads of it, whose parents have even more! Happy hunting ladies.

The Ballet

2009-12-15T19:19:00.002-05:00

So you ask, what happened to Jeffrey?

We arrived early enough to have dinner nearby. Interestingly enough, he invited his uncle and several couples to keep us company. As if he was avoiding one on one time with me. During the ballet he was a bit awkward, something I did not expect in the least. Jeffrey has the reputation of Casanova. He is known for bedding hard to attain women. But based on his actions that evening I think his bark is much worse than his bite. After the ballet we spent time with mutual friends and it could have become one of his raging rockstar fests but I left before the the hammer dropped.

I haven't heard from him since the ballet but I am kept fully abreast, by mutual friends, of his escapades. I am also completely confident that he will reach out in due time because I'm that girl he's never had. Even though he's taking a back seat, he will always want what he can't have.

I sense that Jeffrey, although bright and powerful in his own way, has an inferiority complex, this moment of time in his life is about coveting and capturing beautiful things. Beautiful models with no personality, beautiful artwork with no story or past. He covets aesthetic artistic perfection. He embraces cliches that meet his standards. He expects the best and nothing contradicts his opinion.

There is no depth, no intrinsic je ne sais quoi quality that causes me to lose my breath.

Jeffrey is all about money, what everything looks like and what everything costs. It bores me terribly. I prefer captains of industry that take life on as a challenge. As a game. Men that think anything is possible and create their own reality with each step. I feel that is lacking from the "privileged" men I meet. Though I refer to myself as privileged, I have never had a trust. But I know people who don't know any other lifestyle and they are always miserable. It's very interesting, I don't think money makes life more fulfilling.

It forces you to shrink people and situations, count favors and tally debts until you feel you've been compensated. I now feel the more money you have the more concern you have for people taking it from you. What a waste of time. I'd much rather be full of life and adventure, be a trailblazer, making my own way, living life as I saw fit and bearing the brunt of it all than living a life of nickle and dimes, how about you?

Facebook

2009-12-09T22:45:00.002-05:00

I've recently registered for facebook, join me HERE.

I'm looking forward to interacting with all you babies, you can never have too many friends ;)

Off topic:
Hugh Hefner's "Girl's Next Door" is my most recent guilty pleasure. I can only imagine the sorts of treats these girls must get to indulge in, first class travel, new cars (in hugh's name of course), fabulous parties with celebrities. Though the perks are divine I do wonder how much their allowance is, do they even get one? One of the girls works for hugh as a scrap booker and makes "$10 an hour." I'm sure.

Q & A - I'm Not Sexually Attracted to Him

2009-12-09T16:38:00.000-05:00

ANON SUGARBABY:
I'm a graduate student with sights set on medical school (24y/o.) I'm seriously considering becoming a sugar and would appreciate any advice you would have. Especially dealing with sex. I'm probably not going to be passionately attracted to my SD (we've emailed a few times) and want to know if you've been in the same situation and how you've dealt with it.

He has also made it quite clear that he would like this to be more of a dating with extra goodies rather than a purely sexual relationship.

Also, while I love shopping, gifts, etc (which he is offering ) I would also like an allowance for the purpose of paying for medical school applications, paying off my car. . .boring stuff. Dorky I know, but I want to have fun and be practical.

Thoughts? Hugs, XXX

TIFF:
I completely understand your predicament. I was in a long term relationship with a man who became sexually unappealing to me over time, I call him MM on my blog. He was my first Daddy and in the beginning it was all new and exciting, but once the novelty wore off I began to loathe spending time with him. I suggest you focus on what you like about him, this got me through a few difficult months. Some don't mind being intimate with someone they're not into, they put on a show then forget about him as soon as he's gone.

I decided to end it eventually, the allowance and gifts weren't worth the unhappiness I felt.
I'm not sure what will work for you, but you won't know until you give it a shot.

About the gifts. Since he's willing to spend a certain amount on items for you, why not ask him for a gift card? He can pick one up at any mall or convenience store and you can spend it on whatever you wish.

Have you met him? How do you know you won't be sexually attracted to him? Attraction for women depends on much more than looks, things like humor, charm and chivalry turn us on. You may be pleasantly surprised.

Good Luck,
Tiff

Jeffrey

2009-09-29T13:45:00.001-05:00

*Ring* *Ring*

After just having lunch with Pencil Boy (which I bought myself), I figured it must be him calling to relay the sweet nothings he couldn't get off his mind.

"Yes darling?" I answered.
"Well hello there, aren't you in a happy mood" a raspy, over-confident voice responded.
"Ah, hello Jeffrey, I'm always happy to hear from you, how are you?"
"I'll be much better once I see you, what are your plans for Friday?"
It was Monday, he was calling a full 5 days in advance to be sure I would be his on Friday night. This was over-zealous behavior for Jeffrey. Appearing effortless was his game.

"Nothing so far, what did you have in mind darling?"
"Well.. partying like rock stars, what else?"
I laughed, "I'll see you Friday then" and hung up.

While I am interested in seeing him and slightly amused by his eagerness, binging the night away doesn't sound like the greatest time. I'll have to coax him into taking it easy. This much is certain though, whatever we do, it'll be a night to remember. Game on.

Things I Miss

2009-09-20T10:03:00.006-05:00

Hope you all enjoy the new trimmings, felt like I needed a bit of a face lift plus my archives work now :)

Earlier this year I decided to put the sugar lifestyle behind me. Feeling completely jaded after dating the Asshole of the Century (from now on referred to as AC). Peter, as in Peter Pan was my next foray into exclusivity. What a mistake that was.

For all the talk of abandoning the sugar lifestyle I really do miss it. I miss the all expenses paid vacations to exotic five star resorts. I miss the tuna tartar, jewelry for no reason and his visa with my name on it. Beer and fried food is not my idea of a good date.

Is it not possible to be a go-getter career woman and still be embraced by Chanel? My problem last time was garnering the motivation to achieve career success when all my material needs and wants were pacified. I think now my maturity and personal drive has solved that problem.

Towards the conclusion of my last hunt, I fine tuned a strategy for catching sugar daddies. It wasn't intricate, on the contrary, it reigned simplicity. I call it Über-fishing; throwing out as many hooks as possible and seeing what bites. I had an ad on all the Sugar Daddy sites, I was listed in multiple personals (local&national) and I attended as many upscale events as humanly possible. Draining but ultimately, it was craigslist that bit back. Go figure.

Now that I'm re-considering, I took a look at the popular Sugar Daddy sites once more. The mere thought of exchanging countless emails with misrepresented fakes, low ballers and ungracefully aging men gives me chills. Based on my previous experiences, I think much success (and peace of mind) is to be had by freestyling. This way you can completely eliminate the email tag and gauge his sugar-providing ability once his business card is in hand. You've just got to know where to look and show up in all your fab-ness.

I have a gift that benefits me quite well, I've mastered the art of active listening. During initial conversations I listen most carefully. This enables me to pick up hints as to what he desires most. Based on his history with other women and his own admissions I can become exactly what he wants. I can also read his non verbal cues and cater my every word and action to elicit a favorable response from him. This I do automatically now, with all men.

It's proven to be an invaluable skill. On the other hand, I'm unsure of the long term implications of this sort of manipulative behavior in the context of a healthy relationship. Wouldn't it mean I'm molding myself to another's image of the perfect lover rather than being myself? That I put my own needs second to his in order to get him to open his heart and his wallet? Food for thought I suppose... I think what I've missed most is sharing my thoughts with you all.

Cat and Mouse

2009-09-16T22:40:00.006-05:00

So, friends... it has been a while. A little over a year to be exact and everything has changed.
I will be sure to play catch up but at this moment I have something to share. A new infatuation and possibly a new love. He's reckless, unpredictable, and so bad for me. We come from similar privileged backgrounds but my parents would never approve. Which is just as well because I've decided not to even think about children and marriage until after the age of 30. Ha! A far cry from the Tiff who just wanted to "get married or live comfortably with my rich boyfriend."

Though he is rich with a trust fund and full access to the family jet, much of that is irrelevant to me. There's a je ne sais quoi quality to him, we connect. He has a wild free spirit I can wholeheartedly relate to but I'm hesitant to get involved with him. I feel that "wild, reckless" phase of my life has long past. The phase during which I slept with strangers, partied all night and slept all day was fun but I'm not so much into that lifestyle now. This time in my life is about structure and developing the necessary skills to ensure my future success, such as discipline and punctuality. A part of me feels like he would only pull me back into unproductive habits that have taken years to overcome.

Jeffrey is 35 years of age, 6 feet tall and slight in stature. He is disarming (arrogant when inebriated) with a boyish smile, blond hair and hazel eyes. He has been bestowed with the tacky moniker of "Hugh Hefner junior," but... his attitude and presence is like a fucking magnet, I can't help being attracted. Is this wise? He has no idea I feel this way about him. I've gone out of my way to be that unattainable woman. Giving him shit everytime he leaves himself open and using my wit to taunt him. I've become such a challenge that I've unknowingly initiated an intense chase. It's cat and mouse, he wants what he wants. A man accustomed to everything falling into his lap always wants what is most unattainable. When we last spoke, he asked me "What are you looking for in a man?" To which I responded "What makes you think I'm looking?"

A truthful answer, which has provoked his curiosity, quickened his pace and leaves me in the involuntary position of the pursued... Shall I run or shall I succumb to him? If I'm to be his conquest perhaps he should be mine, wouldn't it be interesting if he fell in love with me along the way? After all, I can never turn down a good chase.

Q & A - The Subject of Money

2008-08-28T19:46:00.007-05:00

ANON SUGARBABY:
I found your blog and it's really amusing even exciting reading.
I recently joined a seeking arrangement site but being next to this type of arrangement I have no idea how to start talking /discussing the financial help you might expect.
I always think it makes you seem like a gold digger or so which I am not cause I have my own business and take care of myself now.
but you can always use some more right?!
it seems that once men start talking to you, you end up chatting and they want to meet you but there is no word about making any agreement.....
I met a wealthy men last weekend who I liked and he likes me but spending the night he pushed himself to much on me en we ended up having sex which was totally not what I wanted to do, I could relate to your story with the geisha lady.anyway there was no talk about an agreement
I was all messed up.I don't know...

I you might have some advice for me that would be great.

TIFF:
That's a very good question. There's no perfect/easy way to bring up the topic of money, but if that's what you need then you must state that.

First off, try to get a feel for how generous he will be by the places he takes you to and how well he tips. Next make sure you're into him and he's into you, take your time here, go on a few dates if you need to. Finally when you feel the time is right (basically you both click and he wants you sexually) bring up the topic by saying he's wonderful and you like him a lot but you have certain needs as well. When he asks the you about your needs, let him know you don't want to come off a certain way (gold digger, etc) but you could use some financial help.

If he's not experienced with being a sugar daddy ask him for help with big ticket items like rent, tuition, etc. Then see what he says and go from there. You never know, he might have had an arrangement in the past and might even suggest it. If he's not interested then move on, if he is you've got your daddy. Do NOT ever get drunk and become unable to control yourself. A lot of these older gentlemen are very well versed in the art of seduction and you will be seduced if you let it happen. Meet in public, do not go to his place after dinner even if he has some fabulous antique he wants you to see, that is bait. You can kiss and fool around, but NO sex (oral included) until he begins to help you. Capice?

Hope this helps,
Tiff

PS: You haven't really messed up with your guy unless he's some player on the prowl. You were drunk and he took advantage of that but don't let it happen again, still inform him of your needs during a romantic dinner and see what he says. Even if he says he will help, do not go back to his place unless he has handed you some "help" during dinner. It's all about action not words.

ANON SUGARBABY:
thanks for this information it is a good guideline on how to phrase your needs.
I met also another man who lives in my country, busy businessmen blalbla and I have the view that because they have met you on such a dating site that it seems to be ok to just sleep with you at once instead of going into the normal dating routine but of course they wouldn't want to date a prostitute.
Luckily this man immediately was open for an arrangement and I walked out with a nice envelop....will see him again also.

For the other man, I think we are slowly getting there, he is very sexual so most of the conversations on the phone are about sex but I made it clear that I don't want to be the one just giving the best of me and not getting anything in return so that leaded to the big arrangement question.
then he asked me if I had a budget in mind???how to say that??I could say a certain amount while he had more in his mind or less, so I could lose out some extra cash....
I was planning to say when he asks again what do you think I am worth to you? Is that a good idea?
pfff this dating is difficult but I think when you have a few established relationships it can be great!!

TIFF:
Don't say "what am I worth to you," you need to tell him what you think you're worth. In my opinion, you should ask for an amount that covers all your monthly bills, including rent and leaves you with enough cash for two spa trips. If he can't afford it he will let you know that and you can go from there.

**********************************************************************************

Fast Forward

2008-07-30T14:10:00.000-05:00

If someone would have told me this sugar baby saga would last more than 4 years, I would have shrieked and called them a liar. But here we are, almost half a decade since my first post and the quest for a wealthy man is still a theme in my life.
At this point in time I've been with my current lover/sugar daddy/boyfriend for almost two years. We've discussed all the particulars that any two people in a serious relationship would discuss; babies, marriage, the future. We are quite comfortable. He has taken very good care of me financially with a monthly allowance, expensive gifts, trips and shopping. Until recently...
I will not delve deeply into this subject but as of late, he has not had the means to pacify me. This puts me in an awkward position.

I know I need help, particularly because of a new venture I have decided to undertake. I feel I must seek intellectual, financial and even perhaps emotional support elsewhere. The hunt has once more beckoned me. The sweet thrill of the chase, the uncertainty and even the shady individuals. I suppose one could say I actually miss it, the sugar daddy hunt.
There have been many a time in the last two years I encountered a fellow with the means to be my "patron," but I would throw away their business card or give them the wrong number because love always prevails. Right?

I'm not so sure at the moment. I think love is fickle, it comes and goes as it pleases. When I'm in his arms, in the throes of passion I surrender completely. I let his love seep to the core of me where it coats my insides and I am at peace.
Because we don't see each other regularly this love starts to dissipate, I forget what he looks like, begin to miss him and then resent him for making me miss him. It is madness.
In recent days I've yearned to experience independence such as I felt while with MM. Support without love involved. Perhaps all this love is exhausting and I just want to breathe and be me again without being tied to him.

Or perhaps it's just stress and this restless feeling too will fade with time. I hope that is the case because life without him would be washed out and boring. But in order to entertain myself, I shall keep my eyes open and reintroduce myself to the more formal ways of finding a sugar daddy.

Freestyling: Going to upscale establishments (gyms, restaurants, coffee shops) and events (fundraisers, art shows, sporting events) in order to meet a successful gentleman.

Online dating: Creating personal profiles online that include flattering pictures and detail what you're looking for.

Traditional personals: Creating newspaper/online based text ads that briefly describe you and the type of relationship you're looking for.

Stay tuned.

J

2008-05-12T14:12:00.000-05:00

Upon receiving (and publishing) an abundance of... interesting comments, I've decided to dust off a few unpublished posts. The following was written early last summer. Enjoy :)

----------------------------------------------------------------------------------------

A man whom I am not at all into is on his way over.
He's well traveled, polite and generous but other traits of his turn me off. We've known each other for quite some time but only recently has he been honest about his "true feelings." He told me he's fancied me, for as long as we've known one another.

After dating another man whose success I admired but personality I tolerated, I refuse to do it again. Though he is accomplished, I don't feel a thing for him sexually. Thank god for the 20th century. In another era I may have been persuaded to consider him as a potential spouse!

Under normal circumstances I would take his profession of lust-love as a delusion and laugh it off. But it's different this time. He's my sister's ex boyfriend. One she has dated casually but nevertheless an ex. Is this off-limits territory, or am I allowed to indulge regardless of his close relationship with my sibling?
It makes me uncomfortable.
I cant help thinking of her lips on him when I kiss him, and he's a skilled kisser.
Can you imagine the distraction?
I think since my attraction to him is quite minimal and taking the discretions listed above into account, I shall move on. But first inform him of the reasons for my dismissal so as to avoid hurt feeling and burning bridges in the process.

Oh my

2008-02-02T16:45:00.000-05:00

It has been over six months since I last blogged. What was once so comforting seems strange and unfamiliar now, even the blogger layout has changed!
I will try to catch up, starting from the oldest memories to the newest :)

I'm happy to be back.

The Cynic

2007-01-28T19:11:00.000-05:00

"The cynic knows the price of everything and the value of nothing." - Oscar Wilde

Napoleon.
He was short with blonde hair and blue eyes.
I made the mistake of assuming he was generous, because he bought me a ticket to a fundraiser without knowing my name.
Little did I know, he loves the thrill of meeting a stranger.
I met him on a popular sex site, from what I heard it was bursting with potential sugar daddies and I was itching to try it out.
He was my first date.
He didn't think I would show up.
I wore a flimsy demure top with no bra and little jewelry.
He wore a custom fitted suit, the price of which I knew before our first date.
The first indicator.

I wasn't attracted to him at first as I prefer tall men.
But as the evening prolonged he became more attractive by the second.
He was articulate, intelligent and yes attractive in the conventional sense.
We went for drinks at a swanky cigar bar after the fundraiser, during which I made no mention of my financial needs. I had decided before hand that tonight was about getting to know the man not his wallet. My need for financial aid was minimal at the time therefore chemistry was of the utmost importance.
During our conversations prior to meeting he had dropped varying prices. The cost of his suit, the price of his maid service and other items he had managed to attain at a steal.
Indicative of a cynic.
He seemed controlling but I'm not quick to judge, I wanted to give him a chance to prove me wrong though my instincts are usually dead on and I trust them completely. Besides, he was extremely sensual I wanted to see how good he was in bed.

The night ended and we parted ways with a kiss on the cheek to keep him wanting more.

Round two
We met at a popular restaurant.
Despite a reservation and it being a weekday we waited for a table.
Napoleon announced he would order for us "if I didn't mind" before cracking open the menu, no wonder he was single. Rarely have I met a man more controlling than this. Yet I indulged him, and observed even closer. I could sense he had the dying need to make all decisions, but held himself in check. Afterall, he needed to impress me to have any chance of getting in my pants that night.
So we had shared an appetizer he preferred and an entree as well. Luckily I wasn't particularly hungry and feigned enthusiasm upon tasting each dish (they certainly would not have been my choice). He offered to get me something else then made an excuse for why each dish I suggested was unacceptable.
Dinner was quick.
He then suggested a martini bar in my neck of the woods.
Always a step ahead, I knew he thought he might get lucky as I did meet him on a sex site.

Althought I felt we had different goals in mind, I consented to a drink or two at the martini bar.
We had fun, as I usually do once the infamous social lubricator is introduced to my system.

We laughed, we danced, we had some things in common.
It was now or never.
"Do you recall the title of my profile?" I asked.
Knowing full well it was "Sugarbaby of your dreams."
He said he did.
I asked "Have you ever had the sort of relationship I'm seeking?"
"Well.." He paused "What do you mean?"
He was playing dumb and I played right along.
"A sugarbaby is spoiled and pampered by her sugardaddy, it is a relationship of mutual benefications" I replied.
Quickly adding, my sugardaddies in the past have been extremely generous with "$XXX per month"
He looked away and the caressing stopped. I could tell he was uncomfortable and trying to think of something to say.
"I'm not particularly in need of that sort of arrangement" He replied with a pained expression. "I don't have to pay for women to be with me."
I wasn't surprised by his reaction and quickly came to my own defense "This is not a transaction of any kind, it's only that I do need some help of the financial persuasion in order to see you at leisure. Take as much time as you need to think about it and get back to me."
He said he would, but I was extremely doubtful.
We kissed deeply and parted ways once more.

I was not expecting his call, but I did receive a few texts from him.
His fantasy was for him and I to face a mirror and watch him enter me from behind. I replied with saucy texts for some time but eventually ignored the rest of his contrived enticements. It became clear to me that his idea of a "Sugarbaby" was a world apart from mine.

Current Events

2006-11-11T17:20:00.000-05:00

He called me last weekend. Gino did.
My phone rang, and it was a number I thought I recognized.

"Hello"
"Hi... its Gino, I'm just calling to say hi."
Calling to say hi after two months? I thought.
I wondered if his call had anything to do with his friend Teddie who was helping me with a new start up business.
"Hello there, I wasn't expecting to ever hear from you..." I cautiously replied.
"Are you in one of your 'I hate Gino' moods" he asked in a teasing tone.
"I don't hate you I'm just kind of... indifferent towards you at this point." I had to put him in his place.
He was taken aback. "Wow, I was expecting you to be polite."
"I think I am being polite, just being honest."
I relented and had a polite conversation with Gino regarding his current events and mine.
Then he said he had to run off to watch the end of some game.
He concluded the same way he began, "I was just calling to say hi..."
"Hi back" I replied, and hung up.
I'm stumped as to why he could be calling me now, unless of course he misses me. How sweet.

Things with MM and I have hit a rough patch. He invited me and a friend to an event and the entire time he was trying to set her up with an acquaintance of his. I was under the impression that he wanted to get closer to me by meeting my friends. Instead, it seemed that was a ploy to round up fresh meat for his "good old buddy."
I felt uneasy and we left as soon as the event concluded.
After a day of ignoring his calls we finally spoke. It was a very typical fight, with me being passive aggressive and him refusing to apologize. He had to leave town shortly after and I won't be seeing him for a week or so.
I think we've had a good run and it's time for us both to move on. But right now would not be a good time to end things as I believe he is in need of my company. So, I'll plan on ending things early next year. In the meantime, I'll try to be more understanding and supportive to ensure things wrap up as neatly as possible.
The elusive virtue of patience has finally chosen me.

I called Michael because I missed him terribly and hated the way we ended. We'll be having coffee soon, I'm happy about that.

Three sometimes

2006-10-19T22:47:00.000-05:00

It was one of those dubiously late afterparties.

I waltzed in with two friends, seeing some familiar faces I felt right at home with.

Suddenly an unfamiliar individual came to me with an unforeseen proposition.

"Hey, you're truly gorgeous, my girlfriend is bi-curious and she wants to meet you, are you interested?"

I could tell this was not the first time he made such an introduction.

His name was Dan. Short with sandy blonde hair, cocky and absolutely NOT my type.
But I was interested in meeting this girlfriend of his.
We maneuvered around the overcrowded venue and towards a private candlelit table for two.
There my eyes gazed upon a geisha.
She was Japanese and stunning. My desire for Asian women dates back to a prepubescent time in my life. Many hours spent in the library immersed in books and masturbating to them.
Don't be crass.
I can get my self off without touching myself remember?

She was inebriated at the moment we met. Chatting briefly about nonsensities I spied her checking me out and knew she was certainly interested. I exchanged numbers with her boy who expressed his intentions to ring me later.

Two days later.
Her boy does in fact ring me and we make plans to go to a strip club.
I make it known that I am not at all interested in him and I would like to be with her privately.

We meet for drinks at her apartment and departed to the club shortly thereafter.
Partially clothed women, drinks, cigars and conversation flowed unchecked. Her boy is either broke or cheap, so I pay for my share of the alcohol. We get a private lap dance from the most beautiful girl I have ever met and leave the establishment.

Back to her apartment utterly sopping with liquor. She says she wants to be a stripper. So I volunteer to be her partner, telling her we should dance together.
Perfect chance to get closer.
She smells like almonds everywhere.
I do mean everywhere.
I kiss her softly on the lips, and then her collar bone and then her neck and down her chest and the her belly button and then...
Her boy insists we move to the bedroom, my eyes are on her and I'll follow wherever she leads.
So to the bedroom where she quickly sheds her clothing and I take off her panties eager for a taste. I spy her boy getting undressed too and make a mental note of it.

Back to where we left off... To her nipples down her chest to the trail that ends at her slit.

I lick her from the bottom up, slightly parting her lips and teasing with my tongue.
The taste of almonds again, a bit stronger this time.
MMMMM. I dive in, tonguing her intensely, I watch her eyes roll into the back of her head.

"I bet lover boy never made you feel this good." I think to myself and tongue her clit again before thrusting her opening with my rigid tongue.

All the while her boy is at her other available openings, refusing to be ignored.
Then he is at mine. During this intensely sexual moment I am unable to say no but insist he put on a rubber. Which he does.

He is fucking me and I am fucking her with my tongue.

We all climax successively and suddenly the all too familiar uncomfortable knot forms in my stomach, I feel the sudden urge to leave.
Her boy reminds me that I'm drunk; this I acknowledge and end up sleeping on the couch.

The next day after a shower and a meal I realize what has happened. I was taken advantage of at a vulnerable moment.
Instead of abiding by the pre-discussed arrangement, her boy, being the opportunist that most men are jumped into our session when he should not.
Upon my epiphany I called the Japanese beauty and let her know the arrangement unabashedly.
"That was not supposed to happen" I explained, "I regret having sex with your boyfriend because I am not attracted to him, but I would like to see you again."

From my understanding, he's leaving the country soon anyway.

I've heard from her once but no more. I'm sure her boy keeps a tight leash on her knowing that once he is out of the picture, he will be replaced with ease. I'll keep my fingers crossed and look forward to my next rendezvous with the Japanese Princess.

What the F**k

2006-09-29T15:24:00.000-05:00

I've written 6 unpublished posts since I last posted, bear with me darlings.

MM invited me out to dinner the other night. He had mentioned a friend who was in town that he wanted me to meet. I tried to probe into the identity of this "friend" but he remained elusive.

When I arrived at the restaurant MM behaved as if it was a meeting by chance and introduced me as an acquaintance that he "used to help but does not help anymore," at this I struggled to suppress a look of surprise. As I wasn't briefed and had no idea what to expect, I went along with it.
He went on to suggest that his friend and I go clubbing together, without him, since he wasn't into big city nightlife. Huh??
Is this his attempt to pass me on to his friend as a sugarbaby? Or just some sort of test?
I agreed to give his friend directions to wherever he may like to go, and possibly show him if he needed additional help.

He will explain the purpose of this awkward evening tonight.
I feel as though something has changed. I can't quite put my finger on it, maybe he's acquired a new sugarbaby or has reconciled with his wife... Something is awry. My temporary solution is to show him the new sex toys I've bought, and play all night.

In the meantime, I have begun to look for another sugar daddy. In the midst of my search, I got an email from Tom who stood me up because I didn't give him a number. Shall have him take me to the most expensive restaurant in town to discuss our potential mutually rewarding relationship? That would be most appropriate.

Dismissed

2006-08-22T11:55:00.000-05:00

After holing up in my place for a while and avoiding my dear friends, I decided to book a table at a hot nightclub downtown and invite my sexy crew. The club has three floors with a different DJ on each, we spent the evening bouncing from floor to floor adjusting our gyrations to the varying beats. Sweat beaded upon our bodies as the liquor flowed freely and magazine photographers took pictures. Stealing glances at each other we laughed with delight, it was a fun evening long due.
I bumped into many familiar faces who all asked me the same question "where on earth have you been??"
"Hiding from you!" I replied each time.
Lucky was there. We still keep in touch.. or rather, I indulge him by answering his phone calls when I know he just wants to fuck me.

At the end of the night, we needed some after party trouble to get into. My tall boyishly handsome friend Shane proposed an "after-hours spot" not too far away. As we trailed him the route to the venue began to look awfully familiar. An aching knot formed in my stomach when I realized where we were headed. I called Shane immediately.
"Darling, pray may I ask what our destination is?"
Shane replied, "We're going to Gino's."
Fuck!
I thought about abandoning the crew and finding something else to do but my girlfriends were adamant about continuing this party. So we drove on.
As we parked and made it into the restaurant I spotted Teddie and Gino having a cigarette outside. Even though I knew they were friends, this moment was almost laughable. Teddie said hello and we exchanged a kiss on the cheek. When Gino moved to greet me with a kiss, I abruptly shook his hand and brushed past him into the restaurant. He was left standing with a bewildered look on his face and didn't follow me in.
Inside, we got another bottle and the party went on till the wee hours of the morning.
I ran into Gino again as I left, he was with another girl who looked like a street walker, maybe he's paying for lower-end companionship now? Who knows and who cares.

Torn

2006-08-12T14:37:00.001-05:00

MM has been very good to me, but still I want more.. perhaps more than he can give. More sex, more passion, more money.
I don't feel like I'm running from my current "relationship" with MM, I'm trying to be very realistic by acknowledging it may not last. Maybe this is some sort of pattern though, considering ending things before it runs its full course. Despite my commitment phobia we are growing and we've even talked very briefly about marriage. Will he ask if and when he is divorced? I'm not sure, but he has thought about it. Will I say yes if he does ask? I can't say that I won't. Saying yes would be very practical, I wouldn't worry about a thing for the rest of my life, besides making him happy. But saying yes would close a door that leads to butterflies in my stomach, lust in my heart and an ache deep inside me. I don't feel these things for MM. With him I feel safe, comfortable and eager to please. When we have sex it leaves me satisfied, but not blown away and begging for more.

So I hesitate. Shall I forego what I believe may be my calling for a more acceptable role in society? Or kill this love-lust and follow my pipe dreams?

It's here so soon, another fork in the road.

Reflection

2006-08-08T20:56:00.000-05:00

It has been over a month since things ended with Gino and my heart has stopped skipping a beat everytime I think of him. This process of letting go has been painful but I've gained a deeper understanding of myself.

I tend to put up a wall to protect myself because I'm hypersensitive in many ways. I did some independent research which reaffirmed that. All my senses are extremely sensitive.
This most recent break up shed some light on my relationships with men.
I tried to take control by fucking him out of my system.
But women tend to form emotional attachments, very much like I did.
It was inevitable. Since I was never completely over him.

Once I let someone in, it's very hard to remove them. I can even still feel their essence long after we've stopped talking. Many times I call people who say they were just about to call me. I also have the ability to take on other people's emotions. I've never shared this with anyone until last week, during an intense conversation at an ungodly hour.

I think I want to concentrate on this for a bit. Wrap my mind around it and imerge with a clearer understanding of my talents and what they're meant for.

I bought a bunch of self help books that should help me figure out a way to address and solve some of these personal issues.

Namaste

2006-07-16T10:27:00.000-05:00

I've just come back from my first yoga class and oh my, what an experience. I don't know why I never tried it before, I've always meant to. Before I left, refreshingly light headed and sweating everywhere, I signed up for a full month.

I don't speak to Michael anymore. When last I saw him, about a month ago, he wanted to have sex with me and I could sense it. Not that I mind fucking him, it's usually a good time. What I resented was that he expected it. He knows about MM and other men I've had sex with for something tangible, he brought all my favorite things and I felt like he was trying to buy me. Needless to say I was turned off. After attempting to avoid his groping and kisses, I made some paltry excuse about seeing someone else. He took a long pause, exhaled then screamed at me "you know what?? fuck this, we might as well not see each other at all." Then he walked out and slammed the door. After I heard him drive off I locked the door behind him. Meeting MM has raised my standards and dating a horny college student simply isn't on my list of things to do.

Gino called again but I quickly put an end to things, I think my heart was ready to let go. I've always had a tremedously difficult time getting over men that I've let into my heart. But Gino's changed me in that way, to him I must say thank you for teaching me how to let go.

So I've been spending a lot of time by myself with David Deida books and classical music; reflecting on my decisions, why I've made them and what I can do to stop negative experiences from reoccuring. I've also felt really numb, not allowing myself to feel because it's painful.
I went to get a foot massage and pedicure to soothe me and as the pedicurist vigorously scrubbed my foot with a pumice stone, the lady next to me looked on with a twisted face.
"Doesn't that tickle the hell out of you?" she asked.
My pedicurist answered for me, "She doesn't feel anything." He had no idea how right he was.

Final Goodbye

2006-06-28T19:48:00.000-05:00

I left him a message saying I would like to talk to him.
Not so much as a text back.
I wish I could believe that he hasn't called because of some big emotional struggle within himself...
But I can't.
I've just been dismissed.
And still I want to reach out and say "darling, it's really not that serious, I just wanted to address your need to play games and tell you that even though I like you more than just a friend, I have no desire for a commitment."
But I guess it was meant to be this way.
This is final.
He's said so much without saying anything at all.

I think I lied to myself by allowing my heart to supress deeper feelings for him. Eventually those feelings could not be caged in and flooded out at a vulnerable moment.
I was not prepared.

I am, afterall, a slave to my emotions.
I know to steer clear of him from now on.

Goodbye Gino.

Sincerely Anon

2006-06-28T09:28:00.000-05:00

I will from now on refrain from writing about MM because I think he browses the web a lot and I would really hate for him to read this blog and recognize himself as one of the characters.
This decision of mine is partially thanks to the anonymous writer at The Courtesan Connection who recently had a post on her blog regarding anonymity.
So, for anonymity reasons, I've decided to withdraw my "Homewrecker" post. Sometimes I find it exciting to place tiny bites of real information hidden in my entry, it gives me a rush not unlike having sex in public. But it's not smart.

Duck Duck Goose

2006-05-25T22:58:00.000-05:00

Sometimes, for self assessment purposes I ask my self "Am I happy?"
I feel satisfied but not completely, like there's something still missing.
I feel like shaking things up a bit and seeing where it all settles.

I had a date with Micheal on Friday night. I have always been truthful with him so I told him I was bored with our relationship. Although I feel like he's my best friend, we've hit a plateau and nothing is exciting anymore. He reacted by running outside nude, his logic being if that didn't excite or at the very least amuse me, nothing would. We were both drunk and I was amused.

On Saturday I saw Gino. It was a much anticipated evening that I had planned for the sole purpose of releasing my aggression.
I've always wanted to try BDSM, being so passive aggressive in my day to day life leaves me few opportunities to fully unleash, so when I do it can be frightening. Given our tumultuous past I decided the best way for me to get over being hurt by him(and possibly move on indefinitely) was to hurt him physically. I've thought about burning his car and house down but insurance covers that stuff and he'd upgrade. Retaining power during sexual roleplay by removing his sense of control was the second best option.
I went to his place after dinner with my family, during which we sent dirty texts back and forth. I gave him instructions to take a shower and be naked in his bed when I got there. And he was. I started kissing the droplets at the base of his neck and worked my way down, until I reach the plump crease at the base of his spine. The oh so lovely ass I've always admired. I spread his cheeks and dove in, rimming and darting my tongue in and out. It wasn't as bad as I thought it would be. But certainly not my favorite thing to do. I knew it would make his head spin and that was my motivation.
Once done, I bound his hands together with a black silk scarf.
"Turn over" I demanded. And he did.
I kissed his forehead, then his lips to give him a taste of his own ass.
I grabbed his nipples tightly and proceeded to give his the best blow job of his life. Alternating my lips on his dick with my finger in his ass I circled round and round until he moaned "I'm coming!". Then I took him all the way into my mouth and past my throat. I felt him come hard. My job was done. I asked if I could spend the night and left promptly at 7am.
Next time won't be so tame. I have all sorts of delicious pain in mind for him. He enjoyed being tied up so my assumption is that he will be open to more intense bdsm.

I suppose it's a possiblility that intimacy without deviances makes me uncomfortable. I can't maintain a straight relationship with Gino. I'm always thinking of more exciting sexual adventures to delve into with him. Maybe I'm just attracted to him sexually, because if there was an emotional bond I would want him to want me... Things are slightly confusing at the moment. Hormones perhaps? I'll write about him at a more lucid moment.

Kept Man

2006-04-12T02:14:00.000-05:00

I think I've truly found what I was looking for.
The commitment and love I was searching about for, I gave to me.
I am committed to school, work, my career and my happiness. I love myself too and I feel much more comfortable in my skin. It's funny how this happens periodically, I search then I find and become more of myself. I love it. I don't need a man. I need money from a man and sex(sometimes) from a man. But a physical, emotional or psychological comfort is no longer a need. I feel so free and independent, as I should.
I went to see Johnny Depp in The Libertine the other night and absolutely adored it. I was delighted by the concept of a man who lived life completely on his own terms, of course there were consequences for his actions but what a life. I wonder in the end, if he had any regrets. Would you rather have a long safe and boring life or a teeth clenching, heart stopping roller coaster ride? I suppose regardless of the paths we choose, we'll always have our what ifs.

It seems I may be developing a drinking problem, almost every time I partake in the consumption of liquor I can never stop myself. So I have decided to drink only one day a week. Before I go out, "Three drink limit" I'll say to myself, but never abide. Bad things happen when I'm drunk. Well, not bad but not smart either.
Like calling Gino.
Yada yada yada, you know how it went. I called him, we made plans to get together, he called me two hours after he was supposed to be home. I met up with him anyway and we had great sex as usual. He slept downstairs, I slept upstairs. Whatever. I wanted him, now I have him. For the moment anyway, que sera.

My mother found the receipt for a book about escorting that I had ordered online, after I made the mistake of cleaning out my purse at her house. I do not live with her nor do I receive an allowance from her, nevertheless she has taken it upon herself to run my life. She was furious when she confronted me, waving the paper in my face and scowling. "What is this?" She asked, trying to maintain control of herself.
"It's just research" I replied, "I'm not actually planning to become an escort, just an avenue I was kind of considering..."
Then she threw a tantrum, accusing me of having no conscience for considering such a "filthy" occupation and made idle threats, hoping this verbal assault would be enough to dissuade me. I love my Mother dearly but refuse to let her alter my plans. I reassured her I had taken no steps to become a pro(which is mostly true) and she's backed off a bit.

While getting a manicure last week I couldn't help over hearing a conversation taking place. It was between an older couple in their early 60's. The wife said "I'm paying for your pedicure dear, you're a kept man."
The husband replied with laughter.
Isn't that cute? I thought it was.

La Dee Da

2006-03-28T23:16:00.001-05:00

Tess came to visit me at my new place since I did her the same favor. She came in on a Thursday so we had spa visits and lunched until the weekend hit. On Saturday we went club hopping. We started off at an urban bar then hit up a couple of posh spots, at which we were introduced to the owners, finally we ended up at Gino's restaurant.
It was not my intention to go there, in fact I made an effort to avoid it but a mutual friend was having a bash there afterhours and it simply could not be avoided.
Since it was very late in the morning I figured we would not run into him, he's not a big fan of the partying crowd.
We sashayed in, straight to the bathroom for some girl talk, then to my friend Evan's table, who was throwing the party. Sure the bar was closed to the public, but we got a bottle of champagne once we sat down.
The door opens, and as I glance at it, Gino walks in and catches my glimpse. He smiles and makes a beeline towards us. "Oh, God" I cringed inwardly.
"I wasn't expecting to see you here tonight." I said.
"Fine, then I'll leave" he said.
He must have heard the not so great things I've said about him.
"No don't, sit with us, how have you been? Have you met Tess?"

Of course he had, Tess' friend Rob introduced me to Gino over a year ago.
During the course of our conversation and mingling I got completely smashed.
Someone suggested we have a threesome, Tess, Gino and I.
But since Tess had a thing for Gino's best friend, I suggested we invite him; to curb the awkwardness of a threesome with an ex who I kind of despise.

We went to another afterhours venue and then Gino's house. He was probably expecting a full on orgy but I got sick in his bathroom. Once I recovered, we all sat down and had an intelligent conversation regarding race relations in the U.S., conspiracy theories and the direction of our careers. All in all, a great night/morning and in my book great conversation comes second to none. At around 8am I laid next to Gino and took a nap, only to be woken up by Tess two hours later, demanding we leave.
Once I got up to leave Gino pulled on my hand beckoning me to stay with him and put my other hand on his dick.
"Darling I would love to" I said, "but I really have to go".
With that, I bounded down the stairs to meet Tess at the car. We then drove back to may place, split a bottle of wine and went to bed for the entire day.

The torture started again, countless thoughts of Gino kept running through my mind, I had to have him. After working with a friend who casually mentioned him, I yearned to feel his body against mine. So I called him, actually I texted him. And he texted back. For the next 20 minutes a text-conversation ensued. I told him I wanted to fuck him. To which he replied that he would like to get sucked but not fucked. Feeling utterly rejected I turned my car around (I was headed towards his restaurant). I explained to him that I couldn't give him what he wanted because I was horny too. Then laid in bed and fell into a restless sex-deprived slumber.
Bastard!
It was just going to be sex. I don't want anything else from him.
My every material want has been satisfied and I could always call Michael for a genuine emotional connection, but Gino, I just wanted to have for one night and that was it.

Tess is indeed a high-end escort and has asked me to work with her on a part time basis. She comes from a lower middle class family, we met at a nightclub four years ago and have been friends ever since. The girl seems to think in order to get anything substantial from a man, she needs to give all of herself. This simply isn't so. So she has no standard of man she's trying to attract, she never says no and has all the crass habits she grew up with hindering her. Which becomes the end result of a very pretty girl with no class. Stripper material. Sometimes I just want to scream at her; RESPECT YOURSELF, OTHERWISE NO ONE ELSE WILL!
Last week I told her I wouldn't mind doing duos with her as long as I got to pick the client, structure the rate and the deal. She agreed. This can't be worse than searching for a sugar daddy. Besides, if our "work" is anything like the weekend at Earl's, I'll love it.

It is a possibility that MM may be falling for me. I know... completely utterly insane but true. The last time he was over, he inquired about my past relationships, asking how many men I've been with and other very third date questions. I told him what he wanted to hear.
He had mentioned introducing me to his family a while back, but this evening he specifically mentioned that he would set me up for an introduction with his Mother. Inside was a feeling half disbelief half sheer terror, but outwardly nonchalantly cool. If he was serious I'm sure I could handle meeting his Mother. But outside of the perfect arrangement we now have, I dare not drift. Deviating would make this a full blown relationship which I DO NOT wish to have. I will attempt to put a stop put to this madness.

PS: For those who inquired, I would not mind a bit if I was his wife and he "cheated" on me, I would like to know about it but I wouldn't discourage it, we all need variety every now and then. I plan to be a swinger when I'm married anyway, monogamy has never worked for me.

MEN

2006-03-20T23:29:00.000-05:00

They want women who are submissive to them in public. Women who make them look good and would never "bad mouth" or "talk back" within earshot of anyone
But when no one is looking... they want a woman to string them up by the neck and use them. Completely. Till there's nothing left.

They want a woman to turn them inside out sexually and emotionally. I can't count the number of times a man has asked me to "get rough" with him. And I've obliged. The scratch marks, bite indentations and bruises I've left are testament to my brutality.

I love control.

And I do suppose life is a series of power struggles. You could give into "fate" or "destiny" and choose not to struggle.
But what fun is that?
Without the illusion of control in most situations, life would not be worth living.

Is that truly what differentiates man from all species? Our desire to control everything around us.

Good Times

2006-03-06T23:08:00.000-05:00

The trip was a whirlwind of deviances..
We took a cab to her condo, secluded amongst the dewy tropical brush. The night was warm and moist, beads of moisture formed on every exposed surface of my skin. If it weren't for the cool breeze blowing in from the beach, I would have drowned in my own fluids.
Tess, undeterred by the liquid air, jumped out of the cab once it stopped.
"We're here!" she exclaimed.
In all my 22 years of living, I've never known anyone who could drag the last bit of energy out of you like Tess can.
"A friend of mine is picking us up in a sec, he's bringing a cute guy with him too, you ready?" She asked.
I took that as my cue to freshen up and throw on a hot outfit.

The bar we went to was unimpressive, it reminded me of the dive bars at home. One of the boys(hardly cute and much too young) offered to buy me a drink. I responded as politely as I could, "Thank you for the offer but I don't drink liqour out of plastic cups."
We left the grungy college bar, ditching our dates and flagging down a cab.

We arrived at the doorstep of a testament to architecture, a structure composed mostly of glass and partially in commercial grade cement. The owner of the home, Earl, paid our cabfare and showed us around his humble abode. It sat directly on the beach with a wrap around pool hugging it.
He offered us an ecstasy pill.
We obliged.
Then we sat in the jacuzzi, drinking champagne and waiting for our roll to kick in.
And it did.
He slid me onto his lap and began to finger me slowly at first then harder, jamming his hand against my body until I came. Hard. While starring at Tess playing with her nipples and moaning softly.
Then we went upstairs to seek out softer padding suitable for a party of three. Later on in the evening, he invited another girl-friend to join us.
Earl was an investment banker who spent most of his time in Europe. At 5'8 with a stocky build and receeding hairline, his looks were not what kept the pretty girls knocking on his door. It was the drugs and money, which he tactfully placed in our purses before we left his place 48 hours later. Of course he paid for it, in full.

I haven't seen MM in a few weeks, but that is the norm. These long periods apart make it easier to bear his company.
I do not want to fall in love.

If I start comparing other men to him or getting lost in thoughts about him, I would certainly cut things off (after locating come other means of financial support, of course). The problem is we have great chemistry, the kind that cannot be faked and I could fuck him all day long if given the opportunity. I feel there is a reason we met. The reason itself is still unclear to me, but it will show itself in due time - like all things do.

He comes back into town a week from now, and I am eagerly anticipating the visit.
All these feelings are very real to me but I have questioned the source. Meaning, if money was not a factor would I still be with him? It's a complicated question.

I'm an all or nothing sort of person. If I can't get everything I need from one man, I will leave him and find someone better suited for me. So back to the question. I would certainly date him, even consider him a potential life mate; If he was as successful as he is now.
If he were Joe Schmoe with only a bachelors degree from some mediocre college and lofty dreams, I would pass. But who can say for certain, what would or could have been? When all is said and done, a big heart is much more important to me than a big wallet.

How do I feel about his wife?

I am the temporary girlfriend.
The provider of pleasure, the source of lustful desire.
I wait patiently for his phone call. And we get together, make a passionate exchange then move on. Until the next sexcapade.

I do not expect this to last and that is fine.
As an intense commitment-phobe, uncertainty has been the downfall of my relationships; not knowing where it would go. The uncertainty of it all jarred my nerves, causing me to drop my suitor instantly. At least then I know where it would all go. Nowhere. I caused the end.

This isn't supposed to last, his marriage on the other hand, is.
Our time together is his escape from the pressures, obligations and overwhelming demands of his job and wife. I'm happy to supply that.. for the right price.

I'm always ready for the end. I wasn't promised stability.
I save up and am currently looking for a backup Sugar Daddy for additional security.
Because I have none.
There you have it, I'm not so much different from a call girl.

It's Official

2006-02-03T12:37:00.001-05:00

As I sit alone in my luxury apartment with fresh paint and new carpet, I can say this for certain; I am no longer a wannabe. The married man (MM) has kept his promise by setting me up in a new place. I am now awaiting a new car, also promised to me.
The road to the perfect sugardaddy for me has been bumpy but I feel so calm and settled now that I can say he was worth the wait.

I've been so very busy with moving... and procrastination that I haven't had time to fit all these little bits of news into a post.
I see MM every other week or so but I enjoy the time we do spend together, he's great in bed and had his dick been 2 inches longer, he would make me purr. His only request is that I not have an "arrangement" with anyone else.
Can do. For the moment anyway.

I ran into Gino three weeks ago. Or rather, he ambushed me at work and insisted I tag along to some after party his friend was hosting. I obliged. After a few months apart the all too familiar breathlessness from being near him resumed. I played it cool though, practically making him beg for my company. I teased him during the drive to the party, caressing his leg and locking eyes then looking away coyly. Surely his grand gesture must mean he wants to be mine.

We arrived then rushed off to a secluded room. With a couple of shots of vodka coursing through my veins I felt bold. I jumped onto his lap, sliding my body up against his then quickly descending.
"Hey, I liked the way you felt against me, sit on my lap again."
So I indulged him.
He leaned in for a kiss. I backed away.
"What's wrong?" He asked.
"I just don't know about you."
Then I kissed him.

We ended up back at his place where I spent the night.
The next week after this accidental night, there was an incident involving myself, a group of mutual friends and a pile of cocaine during which I learned Gino had a girlfriend. What a bastard. I haven't spoken to him since. He popped up at work again and I ignored him.

I soon will be visiting Tess, an old (she's actually 21) highschool friend of mine at a far away tropical location, I've already gotten my ticket. I suspect she's escorting. You see, she's always been the girl with all the nice things, poor parents and a crappy house but lucked out with rich boyfriends. I spoke to her regarding the new locale.
She said "it's beautiful, all we do is party and make tons of money."
I was curious and therefore inquired, "How do you make money out there?"
"I'm an airflight attendant, I told you remember?"
Of course I did, but I wondered if her occupation would change overnight.
The uneasiness in her voice gave her away, that and she's only up after 3pm. She's also sent me some nudes which made me hot but confirmed my suspicions. I'm looking forward to visiting her and having an absolute blast, the girl is a good time with legs.

Michael and I see each other from time to time, whenever I need something from him. But he was supposed to help me move and flaked out last minute so I refuse to return his calls. Why bother, he didn't even get me my boots for Christmas and now I'm forced to shell out the dough for them myself. He says he'll make it up to me during Valentine's day but I'm not holding my breath.

I'm very excited about the upcoming weekend. I'll be in Detroit for the superbowl!!! So will massive amounts of well-to-do men, and I will be on the look out for "supplemental income," wish me luck darlings! I'll be working for the most part, doing the busy-body work of a junior associate. Missed you all, will post again soon once the internet and all that is wired up in my place.

Santa's Coming

2005-12-09T20:05:00.000-05:00

When I look into my past Gino is still the only man I would conider having a future with. I think about him from time to time, but I deleted his number from my cell just incase I got the itch again. I've been invited by a mutual friend to a party at his restaurant, I won't be attending.
I saw Teddie at a bar downtown last weekend. Once his eyes caught mine he ran up to give me a great big hug like we were long lost friends. During our embrace, the familiar heat of an oncoming blush ran up my neck and to my cheeks. I excused myself and freshened up in the girls room. Teddie and I engaged in "catch up" chat when I got back. He complimented me and I reciprocated while staring at the gray in his beard. Then he left. I'm still trying to figure out what I saw in him in the first place. Oh yes... the kiss.
Yesterday I spent time with Michael. He catered to my every whim as usual then asked what I wanted for Christmas, to which I replied "Please get me the Ugg Uptowns in chocolate, they're only $180." And flashed him a big smile.
"Ok, I can handle that" he said, "but what will I get in return?"
I've had this idea for some time and when I presented it to him, I knew it was the right gift.
"I'll do a nude photoshoot with your name painted on me in chinese characters. Would you like that?" I asked coyly.
Clever me.
Then I fucked him like there was no love in my heart, only lust. I fucked him like he was a stranger. And it was mindblowing.
I suppose I wouldn't be such a bad whore after all.

The married man is quite taken with me, he emails me and calls frequently. He's also given me money and gifts.
Good thing I want to accost him, otherwise his generosity would be mistaken as desperation. I don't plan on dishing out the goods until at least the third date. Like I read on millionaire's club, you have to make him wait a while and fall in love with you before you fuck him. When he's paying all your bills and giving an allowance, sex is permissible. Although this isn't a conventional courtship, I am treating it as such. I never call him and I wait at least 24 hours to reply his emails.
In another life I may have considered dating the guy. Minus the wife and boring corporate job, he really is perfect for me. I try to be a little cold and distant but I could really lose my head over this one, if allowed.
Even though I appreciate the money and gifts, it's his smile I really love seeing. I'm planning something special to show my appreciation(and turn him on a bit), I hope he likes it.

More Like it

2005-12-02T09:00:00.000-05:00

I recently went out with a man. He's tall, handsome and very married. For some time before we met, my comfort level of dating someone who can never be mine wavered. But now that I'm no longer looking for love(I haven't given up yet), I think he's perfect for me.
We met at a higher end chow spot and I was running late as usual. Finally I got to our table in the corner, quiet and reserved. When he stood to greet me I was a bit intimidated, he has a dominating presence. But the domination ends there, he's sweet, considerate(almost to a fault) and very generous. Maybe it was his laid back poise that did it, but from the time I came till the time we departed I wanted to jump his bones. I wonder if he could tell how horny I was for him. True I haven't had sex in a while but it wasn't just that. It was his unassuming simplicity that made me soaking wet. That and his voice that could melt butter. I wanted to kiss the head of his dick, run my tongue down the shaft and suck gently on his balls (I've been reading Teenage Lolita's blog, I guess her explicitness has rubbed off on me?).

I couldn't stop the dirty movie in my head from playing over and over again. So I concentrated on my food.

My online search is coming along nicely, I've met four men so far, the married one included. Two from the sugardaddy site and one from the swingers site.

The first potential was is his 50s, we didn't talk much but we had a nice lunch at a restaurant I've been meaning to try. He was handsome so I wouldn't mind sex with him but there was absolutely no chemistry. *crickets* seemed like the appropriate background for our date.

Potential number two, let's call him The Groper. We had a decent meal but it was immediately after lunch with potential #1 so I wasn't hungry, and the restaurant he chose wasn't of my taste either. He said he was in his 30s, but he was at least 40 and balding, the conversation was entertaining enough though. All was well until it came time to depart, he walked me to my car and tried to kiss me on the lips! Yuck! I told him I didn't kiss on the first date. He made a baby face, smacked my ass and said "see ya later babe." What a turn off. He's called me multiple times since then and I've dodged the bullet. I may succumb if he bribes me with the date from heaven and of course we'll have to talk about keeping our hands to ourselves.

Potential number three, let's call him Jack (because he looked like a lumber jack). We met at a low key spot and had a long conversation. He has a pessimistic nature which rubbed me the wrong way. He's also presumptuous and thought he knew eveything about me on sight. Even so, I was willing to put all of that aside and be a positive spotlight in his life. We made arrangements for a second date. He cancelled on me twice and called weeks later to apologize with some lame ass excuse. So sorry, no longer interested.

After avoiding Marco's sappy emails, I gave in and sent him my number. He called me and tried to initiate the same relationship we had last year. I told him he was unrealistic and I was too tired for phone sex and mind games. Trying to sway my mind with empty promises of cars, shopping and vacations won't work anymore. I know he and his family are bloody rich but I'm sick of him insulting my intelligence by assuming I'll put up with his shit for a carrot dangled in front of my face. Enough is enough. Unless he sends me a tangible token of appreciation, he's cancelled.

Nice Girls Don't Get Rich

2005-11-14T10:00:00.000-05:00

This search for "love" has clouded my judgment and distracted me from my initial purpose, money. It looks as though I'm taking the serious gold digger route. So what?
I'm extremely tired and a bit hardened, but after much consideration I concluded I would rather be spoiled and heartless than broke and in love. Broke is a harsh word because I hit my parents up for money constantly. What I mean is I'll no longer give it up in the name of love.
Love, for me, does not exist right now. Yes I date mostly wealthy, accomplished men but marrying one of them would be a horrendous mistake. Even a serious relationship might be too much for me, I just have too many personal issues to sort out first.
Perhaps I wanted someone to give me what Michael refused to, commitment. And I felt subconsciously that a commitment was the only thing missing from my life that would make it complete.
When I look back on my most recent trysts I can't even see their faces, I hardly remember their names, all I remember is the feeling of being completely lost in someone else. Still I get cravings for men that I would long to have once more. But no more feelings of emptiness or something missing, because now I have a better idea of what I want.

I ran into Gino's best friend the other day, his name is J. There's a big event coming up and he hired me for a project he's running at the event. I've met J once before but he doesn't recall. It was a sunny summer day when Gino and I went for a drive, as we drove back into the subdivision(they live in extremely close proximity) we saw J walking his dog and stopped to say hello.
Our collaboration thus far has been peppered with questions about Gino, the regular "how did you meet?" and "When did you last see him?" But I suspect it will get more personal as time passes.
As I never forget faces, I never forgot J. Even though I fantasize about ripping his clothes off during our business meetings, I would never ever make the mistake of sleeping with a boss/colleage/anyone I work with again. Lesson learned.

I've been spending more time with Michael on a weekly basis and I've realized that when I look back on this past year, with its potential boyfriends and sugardaddies, ours is the only relationship left standing. I took it for granted when it was convenient to, but no more. I appreciate this wonderful human being and best friend I am lucky to have. Perhaps we will get married one day and perhaps not, but no matter what he will always be there, and that's all that matters to me right now.

Even though I said I was done with my online search, I have recently joined four(count them, 4) online dating sites.
One just for sugardaddies and sugarbabies
One geared towards swingers
and two particularly for extramarital affairs.
(From a strictly analytical point of view, a woman who wants no commitment and as much freedom as possible should join a site for extramarital affairs. These men are willing to spend much more for so little because of their insufferable wives or large sexual appetites or both.)

I'm having loads of fun simply corresponding with men from each site and observing their oddities, it's fascinating. The consesus seems to be that the more money you have, the more psychologically fucked up you're apt to be, go figure.
My goal for this new online pursuit is a shopping spree and at least one vacation.

A Lost Post

2005-10-21T13:42:00.000-05:00

I wrote this entry before the August 31st entry, but apparently forgot to post it.

--------------------------------------

August 8th, 2005

I made the mistake of contacting Gino.

Well it wasn't completely intentional.

A friend had a party at his restaurant and I texted him from our table. I pretty much felt obligated to say hello, since we were at his place.
So I did.

He was at a table with two girls that looked like street walkers. I know he's opening up a strip club so I assumed they were new employees. Until one of them whispered in his ear and asked him for something, to which he said "no". To me it looked as if they had an intimate relationship, maybe I was wrong. She bounced up against him and begged for whatever it was that she wanted. He said "no" once more.
Then he saw me.
He stood up and gave me a big hug.
"Hey Tiff, you look absolutely gorgeous! How have you been?"
"I've been great! Just started a new job and..."
His companion interrupted "Can we go to Boston, pleeeaaasseee?!"
Boston is the name of his new restaurant, apparently she wanted to go.
"No" he said calmly and resturned to our conversation.
"Well the other restaurant is open now and I've been working like dog, I've been here since 8am."
"That's nuts" I said, "don't work too hard, I just came to say hi."
He gave me another bear hug.
"Give me a call later"
"Later?" I asked, it was 1 in the morning.
"You know what I mean."
"Ok, I'll give you a call when I get back into town." My flight to New York was leaving later that morning and I had no intention of calling him.
"Cool, and stop by Boston whenever you get a chance."
"I'll do that" I had no intention of stopping by.
Then I walked back to my table.
Although brief, the encounter reaffirmed my feelings for him, and I haven't been able to get him out of my head since. I was doing so well!! I'm a bit disappointed at myself, I thought I was completely over him but I guess not. Since we stopped dating things have gotten a bit messy. For one, a friend of mine came into town and had her way with a few of Gino's good friends. Now I'm forever linked to that and I wonder if the story has been exaggerated and worse if I've been associated with the entire fiasco. Then there's that guy I dated, who took me out just because I was seeing Gino, sometimes I wonder if Gino heard I was dating that guy and decided not to call for that reason.
In either case I'm day dreaming about him way too much again, the way he finger fucks my ass when I'm about to come...
I even thought about cruising the parking lot of his restaurant to see if his car was there. Am I turning into a stalker?

I want to taste myself all over his mouth and kiss my scent off his lips.
I'm noticing a trend. I crave him when I'm not having sex with anyone else.
I have a self destructive addictive personality. I tend to push my limits and develop unhealthy vices. Like Gino.

Perhaps we were meant to have many loves, and lovers, over the span of our lifetime. We're meant to dable in human emotion, make mistakes, fix them and leave them behind. We're meant to come in contact with multiple human beings at the same time or at different occasions. A golden anniversary is not living, it's a pre-funeral.

I Don't Know What I Want

2005-10-12T12:32:00.000-05:00

The journey is fun but I'm going nowhere fast.
Today I tried to think of things that made me happy and I had a difficult time doing so.
I came up with; candles, sweets, shiny things, summer, sex and a few other tangibles.
What do I want?
I don't know.
From a man, from a friend, from a career, from life, I'm clueless.
I have no short term goals and therefore NO FOCUS.
No wonder I'm floundering. I need to figure out how I'm going to get to where I want to go.

Crush

2005-10-02T18:13:00.000-05:00

Desire.

I blush when she catches me starring at her.
She's beautiful.
5'2 with blue eyes and mousy brown hair in a ponytail.
I lean in to catch her scent every time she comes close.

My plan is to seduce her. I'll invite her over to study sometime... I cant wait to kiss her neck.

I think she might be into me.
I've caught her starring too.

New Things

2005-09-27T12:31:00.000-05:00

These past couple of weeks have been filled with new things. New books to read, new business opportunities and new people.

I went to Gino's restaurant with the intention of breaking up with him. Instead of running into Gino, I met a close friend of his. Apparently they have similar tastes in women. Lucky me.
He appeared to be shy or drunk because his tall friend approached me and said, "hey my friend Teddie thinks you're stunning and would like to talk to you."
After 4 drinks and half a pill of ecstasy I was willing to talk to anyone.

The first thing Teddie said was "you're very attractive, if you've been here more than once, I'll assume you've met Gino. If you have, what are you to him?"

I smiled. "We had an off and on relationship for some time but that's all done with now, I'm Tiffany, nice to meet you Teddie."

We had a lovely chat. I watched his little eyelids go slowly up and down, definitely drunk.
The end of the night came quickly and Teddie invited my friends and I over to his tall friend's house, where the after party was to take place. We talked until the sun rose, not unlike Gino and I the night we first met. Then we kissed. And I felt like I was in heaven, it was all so unexpected.

Physically, he's not exactly my type. He's fair, a little short and a tad out of shape. But the chemistry was just right. I felt like I was kissing Michael.
In the next two weeks we went out every other day and fucked after the third date, how appropriate. I was a bit drunk so I regretted the whole thing immediately afterwards, particularly because we didn't use a condom.
It was enjoyable though, he's well endowed.
Then I went out of town and didn't talk to him till I got back.

We made plans to go out to dinner. The waiter mistook me for a different woman and asked "Will it be the chicken Alfredo once again? Or would you like to try the seafood this time?" I asked Teddie why the waiter thought I was someone else. He said he'd been there a couple of days earlier with a group of people. His birthday was exactly two days earlier and I wondered if he spent it with this woman who may or may not be his spouse instead of going out with "the boys" like he said he did.
I was taken back and didn't really speak to him until I'd had a third drink, by then I'd completely forgotten. We left the restaurant and I felt much better. It wasn't the fact that he'd gone out with a woman that upset me. I just didn't feel special and I was slightly offended that he would take me to a place where he'd just been with someone else.
We went to a bar afterwards and then to my place where we were going to have a mini celebration for his late birthday. When we got to my place, he said "I think I should go home, I have to be up very early." It was barely past midnight, I asked him to stay, but he refused. Feeling rejected, I ate the small cake for two and went to a restaurant for some deep fried carbs, yum.
Some patrons of the restaurant befriended me, and still puzzled about Teddie's behavior earlier in the evening I asked for some advice.
An older gay man shoved me into reality.
"Maybe he's married or maybe he really had to work early, but either way darling it's strange that he's dating a girl over a decade younger than him when he should be thinking about marriage and babies. He's just lookin' for a good time hun."

I was having a bad Sunday. My roommate was being a bitch and I had a lot of tedious loathsome work to do. Between arguing and storming off to work, I decided to call Teddie, big mistake.
It was a week before my period and I'm always ultra sensitive and emotional during this time, thanks to the pill. At the moment I felt angry and I needed someone to offload it on.
I left a message on his phone telling him I had a few questions. He called me back almost immediately, said he thought I needed advice of some sort.
I assaulted him with a barrage of questions, some concerning his relationship status but mostly accusing him of being a dirty slut that whored around with filthy women. Then I hung up.
I felt horrible afterwards and called him later to apologize. He said "It's only been two weeks and at this point I owe you nothing but respect. When you hung up I felt badly and tried to think of what I could've done to avoid causing you pain. I don't want the responsibility of making you sad."
I was touched but felt even worse, I knew there were some valid concerns in the questions I asked but my anger was totally disproportionate to the situation.

"This happens every month" I tried to explain, "my hormones just get a little crazy and it's difficult to control my emotions."
But I don't think he believed me. I haven't spoken to him in over a week.

*sigh*
Well, I had fun, I suppose that's most important.
In another week it will all be a few collective memories of just another guy.

Maybe my relationships are doomed from the beginning because in this new quest for "love" I've come to expect perfection.
Or I was testing him because I didn't expect it to last.

Marco sent me an email the other day:

HI TIFFANY
HOW ARE YOU I STILL KEEP IN TOUCH WITH YOU HOW
ARE YOU DOING I WANT TO LET YOU KNOW THAT YOU ALWAYS
CROSS MY HEART FOR SOME REASON I ALWAYS LOOK AT YOUR
PIC AND YOU ARE ALWAYS BEAUTIFUL TO ME IN MY HEART
LETS KEEP IN TOUCH RIGHT KNOW I AM FLYING IN AND OUT
OF SAN DIEGO AND GOING TO AUSTIN I AM BUILDING HOMES
THERE, SO LETS KEEP IN TOUCH, I GUESS WHEN WE MET I WAS
GOING THROUGH TOO MANY THINGS.

CIAO,
MARCO WITH MUCH LOVE

I didn't reply.

It's SO Over

2005-09-08T23:14:00.000-05:00

I feel like a different person when I'm with Gino. Almost as if I'm trying to be someone I'm not. Someone I desire to be. Very polite, considerate and submissive. A daughter my Mother would be proud of.

I no longer want to be her.
I want to shine brilliantly with unbriddled sensuality and deviant behavior-like I used to. I feel way too safe with him. I yearn to throw all caution to the wind again. Truely experience life, raw energy and passion.

It's so over.
We're both different now. We still don't talk but I noticed a condom missing from his 3-pack box. When I brought up the issue, he said it rolled under the couch, the box did. That's where he found it. And that's where the missing rubber must be.

I'm far from stupid. Before excusing myself from his house I said "Listen, if you're seeing someone else I really don't mind but I'm not going to compete for your attention."
Once more he reassured me, and still, I don't believe a word of it. You see I trust my instincts completely. And they tell me he's a stinking liar.
After 3 breakups and makeups I can't help but wonder what he thinks when I stop calling him for two months and text him saying I want to fuck, what goes through his mind?
Does he think I'm crazy, a nympho, confused, exciting? I do wonder.
I think I'm crazy.

At least he didn't break my heart again. The pieces are too many to put back together. This reunion was brought about solely from my need to fuck. Thank God I don't feel like I need him this time.
It's over.

Michael.

2005-08-31T17:05:00.000-05:00

Michael said he loved me 6 times last night. I believe him. And even though I replied with the obligatory "I love you too," I just can't let myself get lost in him again.

As it is right now, I'm a conquest for him. He says he'll never be as happy with anyone else as he once was with me. I believe that's too naive a thought for such an intelligent boy. A boy is what he is which adds to my nonverbal displeasure with him. I'm simply not attracted to boys anymore.

Aside from my relationships I feel much calmer. And very much like myself. I'm entering two private business ventures, city life and the quaint restaurants around my house are irresistible. And I turned 22 last week. I'm satisfied with this present situation as a launching pad for my future.

Lately under introspection, I've began to notice my pessimistic nature. How I never see good coming out of any situation. I anticipate the most horrifying outcomes; which can be a little scary. And this fear forces me to do my absolute best. But it can't possibly be good for my health. Being scared all the time is stressful! I suppose my perfectionism is the underlying cause of it all. Feeling my actual self isn't good enough for anyone, including myself.

Office Sex

2005-07-15T01:08:00.000-05:00

It was like a porno flick, but much better because I was in it.

Last night I worked well into the evening.
He called me into his office around 10 pm.

"Com'ere" He said, then he pulled me close to him and pressed his lips against mine.
He's a wonderful kisser.
I fall in love with good kissers.

"So where do you want to be when I put my tongue in your clit? In my chair or in the waiting room couch?"
"MmmmMMm" I had no preference.

"Ok, the floor then, lie down."
He kissed me again and placed me on the floor, with my back against the rough carpet.
He gave me a tongue bath. His toungue danced around my lips, going in and out, then in again, gently sucking on my clit making me come over and over and over again till I was dripping wet.
I was ready for him.

We fucked on the floor of his office and it ended as suddenly as it started.

As days turned into weeks, and weeks into months, my boss never followed through with his promise. When I did bring it up he tried to dodge the issue then accused me of treating him like a John. Since that conversation we've been cordial and maintain a strict proffessional relationship. He still tries to get in my pants, but I made up a boyfriend so he has backed off.

Love is Overrated

2005-07-13T14:21:00.000-05:00

I think I have a gift, I can make men fall in love with me. After a single date and a long conversation, I become their fairytale. But I'm not a manipulative person, it all happens before I realize what I've done. What a wonderful... curse.

It's been over two months since I began to write this entry and everything has changed between Gino and I.

Gino's birthday came and went. I called him very early, sang happy birthday on his voicemail. Later when he called me back, he said he had no plans for the entire day and that his friends may be too busy to take him out for his birthday. I was delighted, I ran out and bought him a bottle of champagne and a bumpy cake for two. But he never called me back, so I ate his cake and drank his champagne. When he did call, he fed me some bullshit about not wanting the spotlight on him and that he ended up staying home, alone.

A few weeks later, I ended all the madness. Somewhere between our power struggles and his inability to communicate, I gave up. A month ago I sent him a text saying "I don't think this is going to work out, it's been fun." Then I realized what a coward I was and how pissed off I would be if someone did the same to me. So I called him up and apologized profusely.

Things were never quite the same after that, he dove into his "work" and I began to hit the nightclubs frequently. I ran into an acquaintance of his at one of these clubs. I got the feeling he wanted to date me simply because I was dating Gino. So we went out for a nice dinner, he took me shopping and hasn't called me for three weeks, which does not concern me. The man cried the last time I saw him, I imagine he has a lot of "personal" issues.

Anyway I've continued dating, and I'm having a ball. I'm through with longing for someone whose heart is fenced and wired. My love/lust for Gino was never going to be reciprocated, and I finally realized that. His work was his love.
My theory on my attraction to Gino is this; It was refreshing for me to encounter someone that wasn't completely enthralled by me, at first it was a challenge I gladly accepted. But it quickly turned into intense desire, because it is human nature to want what one cannot have. Then it turned into resentment because the things I did for him and my presence in general was not being appreciated. And finally, apathy. But still I'm a hopeful person, if he called me I would maintain a cordial tone.
It's been weeks since I devoted this much thought to him.

I feel a fresh start has opened up its arms to me, I've started a new job and moved to a new house.

I've also been propositioned by a man I work with. It began at the end of a business day, the coworkers and I went out for a drink, which quickly turned into 8. Only one of us drove, so at the end of the night(4 a.m.) the rest of us were dropped back at the office lot where our cars awaited. This man and I went back into the office, I'm not sure what for, I wasn't lucid at the time. Before I could blink, he told me he was willing to pay me $5,000 to fuck him. Taken aback, I blushed a bit and said
"My my, is this how you approach women? This is insulting."
"$10,000" he said.
I proceeded to rebuke him for attempting to solicit me. His offer hit $20,000.
Then I consented.
After a little sucking and fucking, I asked him if his offer was for real. He said he would take care of me completely, as long as I promised to be his, and his alone.

"So are you mine?" He asked.
"I'm yours."

He's not just any man, he's my boss.

Bittersweet

2005-04-26T22:43:00.000-05:00

Just as I was silently praising Alex for his ability to take a hint, he texts me,
twice. Something or the other about vacationing abroad and missing me.
That seems to be the theme of this month, I can no longer stand hearing my name and "I miss you" in the same sentence. I wish he'd leave me alone. I could have ignored the texts, but I texted back saying we should meet for coffee next week. We're going to have a chat about the demise of our relationship and I'm going to treat it like a bullet to the head, quick and painless.

I hung out with a very old friend of mine, PJ. He's best friends with Lucky and a raving coke head(not that it matters, just wanted to throw that out there). We spent the majority of the night talking about his recent ex. I saw pictures, the woman is stunning. But she tried very hard to change him, and was more like an emmasculating mother than a girlfriend. Anyway, somehow the conversation landed on me. He reflected on our friendship and how he felt he could always be himself with me. I told him I had a boyfriend so he wouldn't jump my bones, he can be quite the seductive devil. He said something about wanting to take things to another level, if I didn't have a boyfriend. Oy Vey! Soon I won't have any platonic male friends and then what will I do. We fooled around, he did lovely things with his tongue then I went home.

I'm in love with a man who doesn't express his emotions for he fears I'm a restless ghost.
And I have no doubt he would sacrifice my heart to save his own without thinking twice.
So we continue this painstaking dance,
him holding back and me falling in deeply,
careful not to step on each other's toes.
I hope this song will end soon. I'm so sick of dancing.

Infatuation

2005-04-21T21:38:00.000-05:00

It's hard for me to concentrate at times because I'm thinking of him, or how his dick fills me up completely to the point I'm in pain, but the good sort of pain that feels 100 times better the second after it has occurred. mmmmm
Because I have a rather healthy sexual appetite, we have sex as often as possible. His performance is always impressive, so much so that I'm tempted to ask how many women he's been with. Not that it matters, I'm just curious to know. We don't talk about that sort of thing like our pasts, we don't talk very much at all.

I'm developing an obsession, mostly because I'm unsure of his intentions towards me. I'm accustomed to men chasing me and clearly demonstrating their interest in me. Gino does neither, I feel like I'm begging for his attention every time I call him.
But I've got what I want, he's back in my life. Yes, the sex is phenomenal, but everything else is different. He doesn't trust me, he doesn't open up to me or give me any insight into him like he used to. He's holding back, perhaps he feels I won't stick around for long, after all it took me two months to gather up the balls to call him. We haven't talked about the circumstances surrounding the break up. Should I bring it up or wait for him to? I don't want to seem insecure by dredging up the past, but if we don't learn from our mistakes aren't we doomed to repeat them?

I saw Michael this past weekend. He had been asking me to visit him at school, so I did. He showed me around town and we had a lovely time. That is, until the underground posh bar he insisted we visit. After three glasses of champagne and two shots of tequila, Michael pleaded...
"Tiff, I never thought that our relationship would end, I always assumed you'd fill a void in some part of my life. I cannot explain to you how much I miss you, you will always be my girl."
I promptly excused myself from our table and ran to the bathroom to place a call to a friend. I ended up leaving a frantic message on her voicemail; "OH MY GOD! Michael wants to get back together! I came out here just to visit him and have a few drinks, but the way he's talking I'm expecting him to drop on one knee and propose! Call me back NOW!"
I got very sick immediately afterwards and I don't remember a thing, apparently he practically carried me back to his place where I threw up in his bed and on his floor, oops. In the morning after I woke up in his clothes he took me home and kissed me goodbye. Michael thinks I don't remember the conversation we had, and I'm glad for that.

Careful Careful

2005-04-18T12:08:00.000-05:00

"Ring Ring Ring"
His phone rang thrice and cut to voicemail.
"Hello Gino, It's Tiff. Long time no see. Listen, I know that you have a busy schedule and I shouldn't have pestered you for not calling frequently. But I miss you. Call me back, let's talk."

Not 5 minutes later he called me.
"I miss you too, when can I see you?"
"I'll stop by right now"

I'm falling for him all over again.
It is not safe to love him so much. Of the few men I've fallen in love with, he is the most impulsive and likely to break my heart. But that's a risk I'm willing to take. I'll trade a broken heart for a few blissful moments, with him.

He hasn't called me in a few days. But I'm so busy that I simply don't care. And I know it's his way of "slowing" us down.

Lucky called me at 1:30 am last night, what a horny bastard. He'll have a heart attack when I tell him I'm dating Gino again.

Horrible Whore

2005-04-07T12:40:00.000-05:00

I'm struggling with my feelings for Alex. Rather, why I don't have any feelings for him. He's good looking, successful and very accommodating. I should be all over him but yet, I find his baby talk and mushy gestures hard to stomach. I would make a horrible whore. And a good sugar baby would tend well to the man that could pamper her best. But is my discomfort worth it? Alex expects to talk to me at least 3 times a day and see me as often as possible. We haven't done anything more than heavy petting, mostly because he's intimidated by me (go figure) and he simply isn't very assertive. He is the exact opposite of the sort of man I go for. After reading this short article a while back, I thought I was an abandaholic.
Some of it may ring true but the fact is Alex and I have no chemistry unless there's lots of alcohol involved.
The man drains me mentally, he has no college education and sometimes doesn't understand words I say. Mama always told me "NEVER date a man without a college education, it will never work." She's absolutely right. Now that my goals have changed, I understand that Alex would make a wonderful sugardaddy but a horrendous boyfriend. He's too needy and tries unbelievably hard to appear "nice", which makes me wonder what he's hiding. When he talks about his previous relationships, he makes himself look like the victim, which I refuse to believe. Thirdly, he treats waitresses and other service people like complete shit. And you know what they say, you can tell the way a man's going to treat you by the way he asks for the check. Alex yells and snaps his fingers.

There's another speed bump in the road to Tiffany's happiness. Immediately before I began dating Gino, a good friend of mine told me he's had strong feelings for me for some time. Upon hearing this I was a little shocked but mostly amused.
Lucky is my dearest male friend he's the ultra-hip, laidback open minded European that I tend to fall for. Well, I was quite inebriated at the time and ended up giving his beautiful cock the best blowjob I think I have ever given. He calls me regularly, as he is a good friend, but I feel he's attempting to initiate round 2.
So if things don't work out the way I would like them to, there's always Lucky. He's actually quite successful and closer to my age than anyone I've dated in a while but he's looking to start a family and I'm... not.

Lately I've been thinking about Gino a lot. I won't send him a gift(too desperate) but I will call him sometime in the near future. I miss him just as much now, as I did a month ago. I miss his nose, and smile and face... I miss his voice and touch... and God I miss the way he ate my pussy, I could tell he loved me when he tongued me down. Visions of our sweat drenched bodies slamming against one another pop into my mind at the strangest times; when I'm eating, while I'm flirting with my professor. I just can't seem to get him out of my mind. It was the safety that did it, the way I felt comforted just by knowing he was there. There must be a reason I'm still thinking about a guy I broke up with two months ago and I'm determined to find out, but will my need for instant gratification(and a good fuck) take precedence over common sense?

Why can't I have all three? Alex for his big wallet, Lucky for his big dick and Gino for his big heart?

Or a nice thick vibrator.

Apologies

2005-04-02T10:48:00.000-05:00

I had to disable my site for a few days after a nosy co-worker stumbled upon it. My apologies! I'm on my way out to a lunch date with Alex. He is growing on me gradually, this I am happy about because he is truly a good person. Although there are instances when I detect bullshit during our conversations and he tends to treat service people like crap, other than that, no complaints. I will delve into my concerns at a later time, gotta run!

Road Kill

2005-03-31T13:25:00.000-05:00

Now I really know what it feels like to kill another living being.

I didn't see him until it was too late,
perched on the very edge of the dampened sidewalk,
poised to make a dash accross the street.
Determined to survive.

I exclaimed.
My car swerved left, then right.
And that's when I heard it,
the sickening crunch of his little bones being crushed beneath my tire.
I think it was his head.
A tear drop. Poor squirrel never had a chance.

Alex

2005-03-24T10:12:00.000-05:00

"So, when do I meet your Mother?"
I almost choked on my filet mignon.
Alex was eager to make the acquaintance of my family after just a few weeks. I suppose it's a good thing because it shows that his intentions are pure. But as I sat there imagining the look on my Mother's face after introducing her to my 46 year old boyfriend, I burst into laughter. "What's so funny? Won't she like me?" Alex asked nervously.
I replied reassuringly, "Of course she will darling."
It's not as if she has a choice. My Mother pays little attention to my romantic life, after all I am a woman and it is none of her business.

My relationship with Alex is progressing at a steady pace, we've wined and dined at wonderful restaurants and have a generally lovely time all without sex involved; I haven't engaged in such a courtship since I was in highschool! He no longer irritates me(as much) because I try to calm his insecurities with soothing responses and compliment him on a regular basis, he appears to be more secure. He's great company although he seems quite eager to take things to the next level, physically. Frankly, I'm surprised he has resisted jumping my bones for this long.

Sometimes I wonder if that's what this is to him; a tryst with a 21 year old is great locker room material. How serious is he about me? I know I'm quite mature and a great catch but what does a 46 year old man want with a 21 year old?
I've come to the realization that I'm not interested in short term flings with filthy rich men. I'm much more interested in a satisfying long term relationship with someone I can grow to love. As a girlfriend I am extremely loyal and dedicated to my partner, the hard part is finding someone who deserves my trust.
From time to time he does mention future plans with me in mind which can slightly startle someone who has been terrified of commitment for most of her life. I also get the feeling he never settles for less than absolutely gorgeous women. Not to say that I'm devastatingly good looking, but the way he goes on, I have no doubt that I am.

PS: I know I would be a complete idiot for sending Gino a gift on his birthday, but the situation was a little more complicated than I let on. We had sex on a friday afternoon and the very same evening his bestfriend saw me out on the town with a couple of male friends and must have reported this to him. He didn't call me for a couple of days because he was testing me, trying to gage how much I liked him by my reaction.

I know this because I used to do the same thing and when I asked him bluntly he could not reply without stuttering. The last time I spoke to him he was still upset that I "made him stoop to calling me with his number blocked like some sort of highschool kid." In short I bruised his ego but I think he was scared that he felt so strongly for me after just a couple of weeks especially with the memories of his past failed relationships still fresh in his mind. Gino wasn't ready to make any sort of commitments to me, not even a phone call.

I was never needy in any way and I don't feel I did anything wrong therefore my conscience is clear. But it's hard for me to let this one go because the instant safety and peace I felt with him was incomparable. Even though he's a handful I can't help but wonder if he thinks about me, or if I was just another notch on his belt. Perhaps it's simply a case of me wanting what I can't have.

Back on Track

2005-03-17T22:04:00.000-05:00

For the past couple of weeks I have been dating Alex, who happens to be the nicest, most thoughtful and giving individual I have ever met. Problem is, I can't stand him. The first week of nonstop phone calls was tolerable, he bought me a small but very considerate gift without me asking and I really appreciated it. Especially after dating Gino who thought the entire world revolved around him; dating someone who doesn't have their own personal interest in mind at all times is a pleasant change.

Come to think of it, I do tend to gravitate towards arrogant, stubborn alpha males. Bad boys. There's something about young reckless wealthy men that I simply can't resist; add an admirable physique and I fall in love. I could never turn down such a challenge, having a strong uncompromising man cave in to my every whim and desire gives me an intense high.

Lately I've been thinking of Gino, a lot. His slanted brown eyes and full red lips... sigh
Today I got it into my head to send him a Harry and David gift on his birthday which is in a month. I flipped through the catalogue, picked a lovely basket and set the date in my PDA. My irrational impulse to contact him may be pre-menstrual hormones kicking in; I truly hope it is unless I'm about to make a complete fool of myself.
So here I am, yearning to kiss the lips of a man who never returned my calls. While the efforts of another, who seems perfect for me, goes unnoticed.

The truth of the matter is that Alex is a 46 year old man with three children(one minor) who has been married three times. Talk about baggage. He's also discussed his most recent relationship with me, in depth. Apparently he broke up 3 months ago with a victoria's secret model look a like who used him up and ended up getting back together with her ex husband, who works for the mob. So he has nothing, after three divorces and a sugarbaby he's drained. But, he's a resilient fellow, he "does well but wants to be rich" and has no doubt he will be in a matter of time. We'll see.

In addition to his emotionally unstable relationship history, he does many things that bug the hell out of me. The most irritating is that he texts me 20 times a day with mushy shit like "I can't get you out of my mind, I can hardly wait to see you again". While I am a romantic at heart, I am not touchy-feely in any way. Giving each other nicknames and saying I love at every opportunity makes my stomach churn.
I feel if I'm truly in love, I do not need to over-extend myself by being mushy. He's also very needy, the other day he noted that I never give him any compliments. Usually, I date confident men who do not need their egos stroked, he does. He seems to be in need of my assurance at times and he fishes for responses from me on a regular basis, that in itself is quite annoying.
Usually I just tell him what he wants to hear because he seems like not only an excellent sugar daddy but a potential boyfriend as well. I really do enjoy his company when he's not irritating me.
But how do I foster this relationship without exposing my displeasure? Should I cut down the time we spend together or just hold my tongue? Patience is not a virtue that I encompass, this must be remedied immediately.
If not, I will be surprised if it lasts more than two months.

Unrequited Love

2005-03-01T23:19:00.000-05:00

After Gino and I had sex for the first time, he didn't call me for two days following. When he finally called me I didn't pick up, he left a message and had this playful tone in his voice that seriously irritated me, because I felt used and rejected at the time. And he continued to call me for the remainder of the day; I didn't answer any of his calls. The next day he called me and blocked his number. I don't usually pick up my blocked calls but I did that day and boy do I regret it.
He asked me why I wasn't answering his calls, told me he was sorry for not calling and that he missed me. He also said he thought that I was overreacting to the entire situation.
Overreacting? I just fucked a man and he didn't call me for two days! I was pissed off.
We ended up getting together, I was still upset and told him so. To which he replied "Well, I don't know what to say, your temper is very intimidating." I didn't drag the matter out any longer, I was eager to put the bullshit behind us and move on. When we parted I was under the impression that everything was peaches.
Apparently not, he hasn't called me since.

I cannot help but chastize myself for once again falling in love with the wrong type of man. I seem to be attracted to emotionally unavailable men. I knew going in that Gino was guarded and a bit sensitive from being hurt in the past. But yet I charged on, wanting to show him how wonderful love can be and hoping for a change of heart. The truth of the matter is that he is not ready for a relationship. I have cried for the many possibilities of our love and the loss of what I thought was a great connection. Now I'm over it.

If I had the chance to speak to Gino once more I would say:
"I'm grateful for making your acquaintance and I do hope the feeling is mutual. We've shared many laughs and pleasures, even though this is ending quite differently than we both imagined. I hope that when you think of me you can smile and wonder how I am doing.
I wish you good luck in life and in love. I'm sure you'll be more successful than you can possibly imagine."

"Candy" by Mian Mian

2005-02-20T21:28:00.000-05:00

On a lighter note, I've just finished reading "Candy" by Mian Mian. An excellent book for anybody who enjoys unpretentious real literature, very refreshing. Here's an excerpt that hit close to home for me and my experiences with big city nightlife:
"When the music is empty enough that I can put myself inside it, taking it in on every level, and the air is charged with electricity, I can achieve a dream state, and like a dream, there are no words to describe it. The music is moving me; I don't need to move on my own. Sometimes the moon appears in the room, bringing this news: all the news that terrifies me to the depths of my soul, all the people who make me their clown. We will never be parted; we will always be this perfect, this complete....
I like clubs best in the early morning because all of the boring people have gone and only the truly boring people are still there. Chinese and laowai, phony artists and real ones, prostitutes, local slackers, dumb-ass white-collar types. It doesn't matter who they are; it's too late, and none of the men are likely to pick up a woman, and none of the women are likely to pick up a guy. Nobody is going to pick anybody up; they're all fucked. A few cold rays of early-morning light pierces the room, and we sway inside the music. Everyone has a language that belongs to his own body. After-hours is the most real time of all."

Dirty Fingernails

2005-02-20T20:10:00.000-05:00

I am in love with a man I have known for two and a half weeks. He is tall, beautiful and an incredible kisser. I can't stop thinking about him. Gino owns a restaurant, he's 6'3 and an ex professional baseball player. The first time we met, we spent the entire weekend alone and cuddled. Since then, I have had more contact with him and more of a understanding of who he is. He is so considerate, compassionate and caring. When we're together, money is the furthest thing from my mind, it just feels so right. I can see myself with this man for a long time and I think he feels the same about me. But I've only known the guy for two weeks so I'm trying to take it as slow as my over complicated psyche will allow..

A friend told me
"If you find someone you're passionate about and you can accept their faults then that's love."

BIG NEWS, I got another job! One that I actually enjoy and pays better than most of the jobs I've had. A big plus is that I come in contact with well to do men on a daily basis and it is in a industry that I hope to master.
I went out with Emir sometime ago, before Gino. We met at a mutually convenient location, a gas station. It was a Sunday night so we had very few options to choose from but finally settled on a local nightclub. As the night progressed, certain things about him rubbed me the wrong way, primarily his sleazy part french part Italian accent and the way my name rolled sloppily off his tongue. After the bar we went to a hole in the wall restaurant to sober up before heading home and during our late night snack I glanced at his hands and blanched. There was a layer of black dirt under his fingernails! I immediately lost my appetite; I looked at my watch and suggested we get going. Once he dropped me off at my car, I sped off in the opposite direction and have been ignoring his calls since.

Catching Up

2005-01-23T01:06:00.000-05:00

I do so hate to go for so long without writing! Once more, my busy schedule has taken precedence.
I have officially ended my online sugar daddy search, profiles have been taken down, email addresses erased and identities destroyed.
I'm also in the process of setting up shoots with several photographers, my newest ambition is to be a new face in Perfect 10 Magazine although they seem to adore Russian women willing to spread their legs in a shot. I should like to become a super model and auction off my used underwear. It's been over a year since I participated in a photoshoot and I feel completely novice to the industry but I should end up with some quality shots for my portfolio, so I'm looking forward to it. Afterwards I will send the best(conservative) shots to a variety of matchmakers including Millionaire's Club, has anyone had any luck through matchmaking agencies? I wonder.

Last weekend I went to one of the hottest night clubs in the area. It's known for its french cuisine during the day and the rich pockets that fill its bar at night. I went with 6 girls and 1 male friend, we arrived at the valet in a Cadillac Escalade ready to dance the night away.
A little trouble at the door was the result of the two underage girls in our company, nothing a little cash under the table couldn't settle.

Then I met Emir, the first young man to buy me a drink that night. He couldn't take his eyes off my cleavage, thanks to my crushed velvet bustier-styled top. I knew he had money, he smelled wonderful and I recognized his Armani get up from my most recent trip to the mall. We chit chatted about the usual as he exchanged sly looks with his two friends, who were also seated at our reserved table. By the time we departed, I knew what sort of car he drove, that he owned an auto shop, car lot and numerous vacant properties, and his marital status(separated). Usually, a night like this would be a complete bust in my book, but because I expected nothing it was a great success. Emir and I have plans to go out next weekend.

Some have asked why a bright young thing such as myself would pursue a sugar daddy relationship.
It's not that I'm lazy, I'm actually quite ambitious. I have an interest in everything and anything but I lack direction.
More than anything I desire never to "work".
Work.
The word paralyzes my entire body and sends shivers into the deepest corners of my soul...
Work.
It's the reason I stop showing up after being hired a week earlier.
To perform a repetitious task, a mentally numbing thankless job. It isn't me. It isn't life.
And therefore I vow to do everything in my power to avoid this thing called work.

Money not only talks, but it screams these days. I'm here, willing and ready. Ready to cash in on my youth and all that comes with it. I feel a little redundancy when I have to explain my point of view. Often I myself ponder the logic of my thoughts but I just exist and there is no logical explanation for my train of thought. Logic is relative to the individual, as with everything else in life.

A friend flew down to visit with me during the holidays. We attended a bash in the burbs and there she met a disgustingly rich fellow who has bought her jewelry and will fly her back out here in a couple of weeks to visit with him. Although she went much farther him than I'd have gone after just meeting someone for the first time, I can't help but wonder, why do I have such shitty luck? Is there something in particular I should change to draw in the right men?
I also met someone at the party. While I had a good time and "made him feel better than he's felt in years"(no sex involved) he ended up being her guy's flunky, ie: total waste of time.

The Biggest Club Night of the Year

2004-12-20T20:11:00.000-05:00

Kelly, Tina and I made the rounds on the night before Thanksgiving - America's biggest club night of the year, who better to spend it with than two of my hardcore party girls? They're very simple girls that live for VIP events and shopping sprees but also very hot and lots of fun to party with. Kelly's boyfriend hosted a get-together at his parent's mini-mansion. I should have known what I was getting into when we parked outside the house behind rows of cars with bumper stickers of local colleges. We walked into a living room filled with beer bonging youth - not my scene at all. After sharing an obligatory drink we escaped downtown to one of our favorite clubs C.R.E.A.M.
We drove back to the suburbs once CREAM closed.

The next soiree we attended was deemed an "after-hours" by the young man who threw it. I've known JC for a while and he's been begging me to attend one of his parties since he moved into his new house. While I've been delaying because I know he wants to fuck me, he called me earlier to personally invite me, so I promised I would.
Following JC's directions I drove up to a large stone house perched at the end of a winding heated driveway. A lion head knocker graced the large solid oak door.
*KNOCK KNOCK*
A robed JC opened the door positively beaming with a cocktail in his right hand. We entered. Marble floors were the first luxuries I noticed then the wood paneled walls, laced with glass and leather furniture. The place wasn't fully decorated quite yet but my, was it something to look at. Very transatlantic blood sucker Goth, complete with a wrought iron staircase and lanterns hanging from the cieling.
"Your pad is fucking hot, I'd like to come over one day and walk around naked pretending that I own the place" said Tina. Tact was not her middle name.

After taking a tour of the 8,000 sq. foot gem of a house, I was reintroduced to Donnie, JC's cousin and roomate. Coincidentally, I knew Donnie before I met JC but we haven't spoken in years. Partly because he was in a long distance relationship at the time, but mostly because he was a substantially overweight and timid workaholic. Donnie has matured significantly since the last time we met, he is now 30 years old, 40 lbs. lighter and handsome. It looked like he'd gotten a bit of work done, he certainly looked "awake" and his chin was more prominent than I remamber it being.

I mingled with the crowd of suburban club kids for a while, occasionally catching Donnie's eyes and holding them. I felt something when I looked at him; chemistry or maybe pure horniness from not fucking for 2 months, damn Michael. Donnie and I eventually made our way to each other.
"Have you seen the house yet?"
"No" I lied.
And so he gave me his own personal tour of the house. We ended at his bedroom, how convenient for him. I fell onto his butter soft down feather mattress. We watched TV for what seemed like an eternity, I wondered when he would make his move. Or was he still the shy chubby man I once knew. Finally he stroked my cheek and turned my face towards his. Mmm, he smelled incredible, our lips touched, his were very soft and feminine. We undressed each other but since it was that time of the month we just fooled around. I played with his chest hair and bit his nipples, he even let me smack him around a bit.
Then he introduced me to the most heavenly anal manipulation I have ever experienced. Never have I been a fan of anything anal until I came three times under his touch. It felt like a good fuck should feel.
I enjoyed it immensely and then took a shower to wash his scent off me.
He was asleep when it came time for me to go, so I left my number on the back of a business card on his nightstand... for future references.

A Chardonnay-induced Poem

2004-12-06T17:33:00.000-05:00

Broken people are everywhere
crying out for attention, lurking in the darkness
Happy faces with sad souls
life is a masquerade ball in which we all must dance
Fast, slow or just a little behind

Happy days and lonely nights
It's all a facade
Our thoughts are a series of fantasies
Wishes of being where we want to be
of living and dreaming and dancing care free
free of all conventional shackles
Able to be me, with no consequences
Broken people are everywhere, and one of them is me.

So much has been going on! Join my mailing list to be notified of my entries as I will be posting sporadically.

Finally

2004-11-20T16:21:00.000-05:00

I was screaming inside but my face bore a rigid half smile. For the first time, I was meeting a gentleman I had been corresponding with extensively over the internet. His pictures were grossly misrepresented. The man I met was short and stocky with a regressing hairline and a belly that hung over his belt. He claimed he was 38 but looked closer to 50. He made me uncomfortable by asking many personal questions, such as the major crossroads by my house, where I went to highschool and my exact date of birth; to which I gave false answers.
When an older mentions my age in practically every conversation we have, it means he's uncomfortable with it. But if he associates me in any way to "barely legal teens" then he's a hardcore pervert of the pedophilic variety.
Maybe I'm exacerbating his flaws because I'm not the least bit attracted to him. So I have continued my communication with him and he's only gotten even more creepy. I can't put my finger on it, but something is definitely awry and I'm not sticking around to find out what.

I did go out with Raj. It was a Tuesday night and he decided the casino would be the best location for our first date. We first went to a working class casino to meet a couple of his friends who owed him money. When we got there we ordered at a restaurant and after receiving a call from his friends he left before the food came. Upon his arrival at our table he explained the situation to me; the men he had to meet weren't really his friends, they were simply "delivery men" that worked for the underground operation to which he loaned $100,000 so he wouldn't have to pay exorbitant taxes. A generous 20% interest rate was the agreement, so every other week he would meet these seedy goliaths who will hand him $6,000 until the entirety is delivered. On our way to a more upscale casino, he had me take the stacks of money out of their paper bands and count the money to make sure it was all there. Once more I have been proven wrong; there are worse places to meet a man than the internet.

So Liz has decided to end her search for a sugar daddy. I can't blame her, sometimes I get sick of constantly being on the look out for rich men. I spend two hours everyday grooming myself! Liz's decision caused me to re-evaluate my reasons for looking for a sugar daddy. It came down to this - how badly do I want it? Is it worth spending hours daily on maintenance alone? Could I really be happy with a man old enough to be my father? Yes, yes and yes! You see, by being meticulously preened and fabulous at all times I give up nothing. I love coordinating my outfits, getting manicures/pedicures and especially shopping. I love all these things with or without the benefit of meeting rich men(preferably with). Looking my best gives me a high because I am a perfectionist to the core and nothing less will do. Besides, if I was married to a rich man I would be carrying on the same.

We're now in a furnished house that had an old stench when we moved in but is now comfortable and lacks only a working phone line. Hence, I haven't been able to post as often as I would like to and must now resort to the public library as my only link to the internet. Please forgive the delay.

PS: I want to thank Sarong Party Girl for linking me. By the way if you aren't familiar with her blog please visit, it's delicious.

I'm back!

2004-11-09T16:18:00.000-05:00

My goodness it has been too long, how time flies! My post is coming very soon, please be patient.

Update - Part II

2004-10-25T15:20:00.000-05:00

In the midst of yesterday's rant I forgot to mention what I've been up to for the past couple of weeks.
I got a job! I've been working part time at a coffee shop/cafe.
Some benefits of this job are daily interactions with rich men, some young but most are over 40. Before I received my first paycheck I realized that standing on my feet for five hours at a time and serving people does not agree with me. I quit on Thursday and thanks to this venture into the workforce I left with several business cards from eligible men and can now afford my winter purse.
Last night wasn't a complete waste. Shortly after I posted, I received a phone call from a young man I met at the cafe. Raj is a 26 year old who runs an IT employment agency; he had a privileged childhood and attended a top tier college. Although he is educated he has the maturity of an 18 year old boy, among his interests are gambling, strip clubs and "shagging"(yes he actually said it!). He also has a bad habit of name dropping and brags about his possessions. After a lengthy discussion of his luxury cars and the strippers who want to date him, I found myself indulging him then tactfully changing the subject.
He is so very easy to handle and not quite the challenge I usually look for - he's somewhat of a geek(which is ok because I'm a geek too) who is trying way too hard, he reminds me of my little brother.
Shall I give him a try? After a series of failed attempts to date older and presumably "mature" men, I'm giving this a significant amount of consideration.
I'm also thinking of limiting my sugar daddy search to men over 50, and if they happen to be looking for a "just a friend with benefits" I will kindly refer them to the escorts section in the yellow pages.

Pissed Off

2004-10-24T19:31:00.000-05:00

I'm sitting here all dressed up with nowhere to go. The date I had set for tonight canceled on me last minute in an impolite manner. On Friday we made plans to meet at a fancy restaurant by my house tonight. But yesterday I called him and suggested somewhere more casual because I couldn't find anything suitable to wear. Well, today I called him a total of 3 times and emailed him before I got any response. He sent me this email --

I got your message Tiffany but I don't know that we really have much in
common. I am not comfortable with someone who doesn't leave a number
and I suspect that I am really just looking for a friend with benefits.
Tom

---end of email---

You suspect you're just looking for a fuck buddy? How can you be 42 and unsure of what you want? He's so full of it. I always called him private and not once did he ask for my number, which I would not have given anyway since I don't give my number to anonymous men I've never met in person.
Maybe I give off the girlfriend material vibe because this is the second time I've heard "I'm just looking for a friend with benefits" in two weeks. The first was a young cocky guy who lives out of state, I wasn't interested then and I'm certainly not interested now. I have no problem with the man looking for casual sex but he should have made that clear early on so I didn't waste my time.
When I called him back to respond he didn't pick up, what a coward.

There has been a lesson learned here, I must be blunt with all future men I chat with online; make them understand that I am NOT looking for a "friend with benefits"(this seems to be the preferred term for the over 30 crowd).
I truly doubt decent men who want a long term relationship are looking for quality women online. It would be a better idea to simply try to meet men at coffee shops and happy hours but I don't have to wear makeup and pumps to send an email.

The Roof is on Fire!

2004-10-15T16:00:00.000-05:00

I apologize profusely for the delay, my house almost burned down.
On Saturday Michael and I alternated binge drinking and sex. By the time he left I was toasted. Suddenly, I had the taste for stir fried vegetables(oily blackened carrots and broccoli of all things, what am I PREGNANT?). I placed a skillet with a drizzle of olive oil on the stove. Ok, more than a "drizzle", closer to 15 tablespoons. I pushed the knob to high with the intention of returning to my vegetables in a couple of minutes. I plopped down on the living room couch and hit play - Man on the Roof was my selection for the night.
Fatigue from a busy day and 3 vodka cocktails swiftly set in, 30 seconds later I was out like a light. I awakened to my sister screaming, "TIFF, THE FUCKING HOUSE IS ON FIRE!!!" The smell of smoke permeated my nostrils and deposited a thick layer of soot - then I noticed blaring fire alarm. My house was burning while I slept absentmindedly. Was this a dream? Please God let this be a dream.
"If wishes were horses then beggars would ride."
My reflexes kicked in. I found my way to the kitchen through the dense smoke and there I confronted the angry flames spewing from the cupboards above the microwave and licking the ceiling. I ran to the laundry room to procure a large bucket which I never found. Grabbing the nearest midsized container in desperation - a homedics foot spa - I filled it with water from the laundry room basin. Making a mad dash to the kitchen I threw the contents on the fire, the defeated flames emitted a loud TSSSSSST. I rushed back to the laundry room to continue my fight against the diminishing inferno. After 9 trips back and forth I won the battle, the fire was out! My victory dance was cut short by my asthmatic reaction to the smoke. I joined my sister outside reassuring her that the fire was out "but fluffy's still inside!" she said. We took one look at each other, held our breaths and sprinted back in for the family cat. A frightened fluffy slowly crawled out from under the couch where he was hiding when we called for him. Once again we found our way outside where we called the fire department to make sure the fire was out; they informed me that I could have cause the fire to spread if a drop oil had been in the pan.

To cut an insanely long story short, we're moving into temporary housing for a month or two. And since our house isn't "livable" according to the insurance agents, here we are in a hotel awaiting information on furnished apartments.

Thank you for saving my house

Update

2004-10-09T20:30:00.000-05:00

My sugar daddy search has been coming around quite nicely. So far, I have 4 potential boyfriends who are all mature and established. In the next couple of days I will talk with them all on the phone and update you.

I'm currently reading The Art of Seduction by Robert Greene. It's a lovely book, really. But it's so.. t e d i o u s. There are many stories of infamous seducers. I've been attempting to read it for the past two months! Between my schoolwork and self-help books, it has become more of a chore than leisure reading. Many of the so-called tips in the book were common sense to me. Those with short attention spans, beware.

While researching how to approach men I ran across the most absurd little website. There's a section on How to Date Younger Women. I can't relocate the site, promise to post it tomorrow.

Michael's coming over in about.. now :)

I'm gonna get laid tonight *dancing*

Beautiful Sunset

2004-10-06T13:45:00.000-05:00

Michael and I went out on Friday night. Feeling a little down after dredging up repressed memories, I needed a pick me up. Besides he's been begging for a chance to take me out.

My relationship with Joe left me emotionally numb. Intentionally seeking out the most arrogant men, I would use them up and run away like a thief in the night, with their hearts in my back pocket.
Then I met him. Wherever I ran he'd follow until I became exhausted. I surrendered and opened myself up to him. Trusted.. only to be let down when he didn't live up to my unachievable expectations.
Michael is only 25, currently enrolled in medical school and plans to pursue a political career in the future. With his plate overflowing with responsibilities, time for extracurricular activities are limited, which is the main reason we're not together. Plus I got sick of his shit, he unintentionally plays games. When I don't want him, he pops in for surprise visits and tells me he loves me. When I feel like I can't live without him, he "needs his space" and isn't ready for a commitment.
But physically he's stunning, tall with piercing green eyes and a bronze chiseled body. When I need great sex Michael is my first choice.

We went to a new nightclub in yuppieville. It had a NYC vibe without the bad attitudes and drag queens. Merengue was playing downstairs accompanied by a live drummer. Upstairs was the main dance floor and your average top 40 dj.
Not sure how many drinks I had, he was buying and I wasn't counting. We ended up on the dance floor with drunken smiles on our faces. His hands on my breasts. My hand on his cock. Gyrating to the music pounding from the speakers behind us, putting on a free show, oblivious to the world. Good times.

When we left the club I was ready to jump his bones so we snuck into the abandoned lot next door.
He insisted on going down on me, which I have no patience for. It's wonderful if you enjoy it but it just makes me horny and impatient. When it was my turn to reciprocate I barely had him in my mouth before he slipped the condom on (apparently he had just gotten a check up and he wanted to wait for his results before any fluid to fluid interaction, isn't he thoughtful?). To make things more interesting we went outside and he sat on the hood of the car. I climbed on top in my favorite position riding his dick until we came together in the parking lot of Mcdonald. Classy. He pointed out that I used him for sex. I laughed, "so what?" That's all I remember until he dropped me off at home; where I peed in the bushes before stumbling loudly inside and passing out in bed.

And so, the vicious cycle continues.
I will always love him unconditionally but I must be practical.
He does not have the time and I do not have the patience to wait.

The sunset tonight - taken with my camera phone

I wanna get married!

2004-10-04T10:52:00.000-05:00

I'm sick of dating.

I'm sick of going to smoky bars and coming home smelling like an ashtray.
I'm sick of grubby strangers who've had a little too much to drink.
I'm sick of pounding bass and electronic music.

I'm sick of answering corny e-mails with questions like "Did you fall out of heaven?"
I'm sick of yahoo personals
I'm sick of anybody who types "asl?"
I'm sick of being asked for more pictures

I just wanna get married!
Or live comfortably with my rich boyfriend at the least.
:)

Moving on

2004-10-01T21:09:00.000-05:00

I have moved on with my active search for a sugar daddy. I placed an ad in the personals today, my third time. I don't understand why a sophisticated ad like mine gets responses from mainly electricians and plumbers. This time I took a simpler route by describing my appearance in more detail and deleting a long winded sentence. I also joined two dating websites that target the affluent.

By the way, I'm quite good looking(attempt at being modest) in case any of you were wondering. 5'5 120 lbs. athletic body and real 36d breasts.

So why don't I have a stable of sugar daddies?
I read somewhere that the sugar baby has to take the initiative and make the first move. It's difficult to drum up conversation with a complete stranger because I'm used to having men approach me. And the older gentlemen may be intimidated. Plus, I'm just a little shy. I smile at them and show them I'm interested but they rarely make the move. What's a girl to do?

Step 1 - Look up advice on approaching men

Step 2 - Use a new one each day
This is going to be so much fun!

Dancing Banana

Marco II

2004-09-28T14:59:00.000-05:00

My plan backfired, Marco hasn't called me back. He's either more stubborn than I thought or he doesn't plan to call at all. I cannot say I'm not disappointed. My imagination painted a vivid picture of lazy summer nights, yacht parties and adventurous trips to faraway places.
I left him a message wishing him the best, closure is a must for me.

I really liked Marco. Mostly for his accent and the tentative plans we made, but he also made me feel safe. I can count the number of people I trust on one hand, trust is a gift I'm reluctant to give. After being sheltered and naive for most of my life, I learned that the hard way from Joe.

Joe was my 29 year old boyfriend when I was 17. He was built like a quarterback and had two successful businesses. When we first started dating he was the man I dreamt of. He brought me breakfast from my favorite restaurant and gave me whatever I wanted whenever I wanted it. Then things started to move fast, very fast. He said he always wanted to have a baby boy and he wanted me to have it. I began to think that he was "the one" but was I ready for a child?? I told him that I would like to finish college at the very least, before having any children.

That was when things took an ugly turn. It started one night when we were on our way to dinner. I was chattering about something or the other and hardly noticed him staring at the tongue ring I've had since I met him. He pulled over and wound down the window making me remove my tongue ring and throw it out. "Only sluts wear tongue rings" he said with disgust dripping from his voice. From then on he would constantly berate me, calling me stupid and criticizing every decision I made.

Then the hitting started. He wanted me to run an errand for him and swing by the office. I said no, I had homework and a test to study for. He pleaded and eventually I caved. I walked to the back office with a smile, expecting gratitude and thanks. Instead he had me sit on his lap and kissed me, then with no warning he flipped me over, pinning me down and started hitting me on my ass very very hard. This was not a spanking this was assault, I couldn't sit for two days. In the next few months it escalated to backhanded slaps and hickies that hurt. I just couldn't take it anymore so I broke things off. He called me at least 20 times a day, begging me to see him for just five minutes. "Five minutes?" I thought. No problem. He picked me up and practically kidnaped me, taking me far away from my house. He wanted to explain himself. But why here?

I waited for his apology while we were sitting in the car, he looked like he was thinking about what to say. Without a word he took out a gun and started imaginary target practice on a tree behind me, aiming dangerously close to my head. "Relax, the gun isn't loaded" he said. Just then it went off with a loud boom in my left ear. "Oh shit" he said. Oh shit is right, the bullet barely grazed my ear and settled into the trunk of the tree. He said he didn't mean to, he didn't know the gun was loaded but if the bullet would have hit me, he would have dumped my body in a nearby lake all the same.
By now I was scared shitless and more than ready to go home. With every ounce of self esteem and strength left in me I demanded that he take me home. I should have known better, Joe hates when people tell him what to do. He slammed my head into the passenger side window and said "What the fuck are you going to do if I don't?" then laughed. I gritted my teeth and tried not cry. Five minutes later he started the car and when we got to my house I walked out without looking back. I put a bandaid on my ear and never told a soul about what happened that day. Joe called me regularly for the next two years. I never answered.

I could not trust another man until Michael. He has helped me to trust again and grow into the person that I am now.

A day at the casino makes me horny

2004-09-26T14:31:00.000-05:00

He pushes me against the wall and kisses me hard. His lips are soft and full, I sink into him when we kiss. As we rip the clothes off each other we tumble into bed.

He grabs my thighs and pulls my hips to his face. Breathing heavily while parting my pussy lips with his tongue. It felt incredible as he gently strokes his tounge in and out of me. Then flicking my clit with the tip of his tongue he slides a finger into me. I'm wet and slippery, soaked with my own juices by now. He slips a second finger into me, hitting my g-spot with every stroke...
Screw this, I'm ready. I push him off me and jump on top of him. mmm.. looks like he's ready too... I position myself on top of his hard dick slowly lowering my body onto his.

*beep* *beep* *beep*

Time to get up.
It was a wet dream.
I need a cold shower.

To be continued...

Masturbation

2004-09-23T17:02:00.000-05:00

Several months have passed since the last time I had sex. It's quite pitiful actually. Now I'm trying to cultivate meaningful longterm relationships. I can't have sex with some guy after knowing him for a week without changing the dynamic of the relationship and regretting it. Hence, no booty for me.

I thought only men undressed women with their eyes, but I now know that is false. I mentally strip down every half decent man I come in contact with. Those fitness-obsessed high schoolers are looking ripe enough for plucking.
When it comes to the big O, I'm hard to please. Vibrators, dildos and my fingers do nothing for me. Only good old fashioned hardcore fucking can make me orgasm. But before I give up on self inflicted pleasure, I want to try the pocket rocket and bunny vibrator that has a clitoral stimulator mmm.
During class I find myself masturbating without touching myself(a trick I mastered in middle school). And as my arthritic 70 year old professor was handing out our in class assignment, I pictured him taking me from behind... with shaky hands and drool gleaming in the corner of his mouth.

On the plus side, maybe getting to know myself better without any distractions is a good thing. I'm pursuing hobbies that I never had time for. I also have a considerable amount of extra energy that I can use to do productive things, like writting in this blog.

Who am I kidding. I'm horny as hell.
Almost desperate enough to call Michael...
I said almost.

Marco

2004-09-22T12:45:00.000-05:00

The more I think about my conversation with Michael - particularly the possibility of Marco playing me - the more I think he may be on to something. Marco is the older man I've been involved with who lives out of state. He's been behaving strangely.

Marco's fishy behavior:
1. He rarely calls me on the weekend
2. He suggested I visit him during the week, because he has to "work"
3. He uses work as an excuse for not calling me
4. He insists I see him and only him even though we're thousands of miles apart
5. He has initiated phone sex twice

I figure, maybe he's married or seriously dating someone.
Who wouldn't want the fairytale prince charming relationship he has presented me so far?
I'm not that naive.
I would settle for the mistress position, but how do I tell him that...

Step 1 - Withdraw emotionally
I haven't returned his calls for the past couple of days, when I finally talked to him yesterday he said I sounded different.
I want him to chase me so I'm acting cold and indifferent - I'm usually very upbeat.

Step 2 - Break the repetitiveness
Things between him and I have settled into a pattern, and predictability is BORING.
Today I called him and after one ring it went to his voicemail. I left a message saying "I have a question I've been meaning to ask you."
So, he'll assume I have something important to say.
When he does call I'll ask him what his intentions are for him and I, emphasizing that honesty is very important to me. Then I'll act like the bubbly girl he knows and tell him I just want someone that will take care of me and treat me like the princess I am - not a serious relationship.

Step 3 - Respond accordingly
If he wants something serious, then I will persuade him to get my ticket immediately because I miss him a lot and I want to be with him.
If he wants something casual then I will suggest we go to Vegas or Hawaii, plant sexy intricate details of the great time we could have together and continue to call him infrequently.

The Ex

2004-09-20T20:57:00.000-05:00

My ex-boyfriend(Michael) professed his undying love for me today. He was at his cousin's house nearby so he dropped by for a chat and we wound up talking about "us". "Us" is a figment of his imagination, we have been history for at least three months now. Ours was a tumultuous relationship, with lots of fighting and fucking. It was either really good or really bad, nothing in between. It was more of an open relationship really. The logic was that we were free to do whatever we wanted but the fact that we chose to give our time to one another made it stronger than a label of "boyfriend and girlfriend" ever could. But I wanted more, I wanted a commitment.
We have been each other's booty call since we broke up; the sex is great. We also check up on each other every once in a while, he's a good listener. And now he wants me to be his girlfriend.

His proclamation was made after I told him we could no longer be intimate. For the past 3 weeks or so I've been seeing a guy who lives out of town. He is considerably older than I am, which is the way I prefer it. I have developed strong feelings for him and feel I should be faithful even though we are thousands of miles apart. I think it's very romantic. Michael chose to play devil's advocate by pointing out the ways in which this lovely older gentleman might be "playing" me. Then stating "look at what you're giving up for him!"
"I'm not giving up a thing for him" I said.
*pause* "Wait you think I'm giving you up for him?"
"Yep" said Michael.

Imagine the stunned and confused look on my face as I promptly walked him to the front door.

Gold Digging

2004-09-19T18:54:00.000-05:00

If a man wants a woman who takes care of herself and is gorgeous?
What is wrong with a beautiful woman who wants a man with money?

Men want unlimited sexual encounters with a beautiful woman - marriage.
Women want a secure future.

In my opinion, money = security. And the woman who goes after wealthy men is looking out for her future children and her own well being.

The woman you see walking down the street is a piece of art. A lot of maintenance - manicures, pedicures, hair cuts, waxing, bleaching, plucking and SHOPPING - goes into that piece of art.
Art reflects your lifestyle and status. If a trophy is what you want, then you must be prepared to pay.

Women should never completely depend on men. I'm not advocating the quintessential housewife who has no advanced education or job qualifications. Women must put themselves before anybody else, we must constantly seek a higher education and better paying job. But if a wealthy man - who has the means to support you - offers to help you help yourself; then why not?

What is the stigma associated with being helped by a man?

I say, it is 2004 and we have surpassed the ultra conservative lifestyle of the past.
I say, women should be allowed to choose whether or not they want to be supported by a man, without being labeled a gold digger.

Some refute that the definition of a gold digger is a woman who goes after a man only because of his money.
To this I say, are there men who go after women simply because of their looks? Men who date models exclusively?

In both cases, the relationship will not last. People who marry for money soon realize that money is not everything, they are miserable, and perhaps they deserve to be.
I do think love can be developed from a friendship, but I don't think it can be faked.
In the end, real love and respect perseveres.

People are shallow by nature, it's time to be less critical and more open minded.