Dismissed

After holing up in my place for a while and avoiding my dear friends, I decided to book a table at a hot nightclub downtown and invite my sexy crew. The club has three floors with a different DJ on each, we spent the evening bouncing from floor to floor adjusting our gyrations to the varying beats. Sweat beaded upon our bodies as the liquor flowed freely and magazine photographers took pictures. Stealing glances at each other we laughed with delight, it was a fun evening long due.
I bumped into many familiar faces who all asked me the same question "where on earth have you been??"
"Hiding from you!" I replied each time.
Lucky was there. We still keep in touch.. or rather, I indulge him by answering his phone calls when I know he just wants to fuck me.

At the end of the night, we needed some after party trouble to get into. My tall boyishly handsome friend Shane proposed an "after-hours spot" not too far away. As we trailed him the route to the venue began to look awfully familiar. An aching knot formed in my stomach when I realized where we were headed. I called Shane immediately.
"Darling, pray may I ask what our destination is?"
Shane replied, "We're going to Gino's."
Fuck!
I thought about abandoning the crew and finding something else to do but my girlfriends were adamant about continuing this party. So we drove on.
As we parked and made it into the restaurant I spotted Teddie and Gino having a cigarette outside. Even though I knew they were friends, this moment was almost laughable. Teddie said hello and we exchanged a kiss on the cheek. When Gino moved to greet me with a kiss, I abruptly shook his hand and brushed past him into the restaurant. He was left standing with a bewildered look on his face and didn't follow me in.
Inside, we got another bottle and the party went on till the wee hours of the morning.
I ran into Gino again as I left, he was with another girl who looked like a street walker, maybe he's paying for lower-end companionship now? Who knows and who cares.

Torn

MM has been very good to me, but still I want more.. perhaps more than he can give. More sex, more passion, more money.
I don't feel like I'm running from my current "relationship" with MM, I'm trying to be very realistic by acknowledging it may not last. Maybe this is some sort of pattern though, considering ending things before it runs its full course. Despite my commitment phobia we are growing and we've even talked very briefly about marriage. Will he ask if and when he is divorced? I'm not sure, but he has thought about it. Will I say yes if he does ask? I can't say that I won't. Saying yes would be very practical, I wouldn't worry about a thing for the rest of my life, besides making him happy. But saying yes would close a door that leads to butterflies in my stomach, lust in my heart and an ache deep inside me. I don't feel these things for MM. With him I feel safe, comfortable and eager to please. When we have sex it leaves me satisfied, but not blown away and begging for more.

So I hesitate. Shall I forego what I believe may be my calling for a more acceptable role in society? Or kill this love-lust and follow my pipe dreams?

It's here so soon, another fork in the road.

Reflection

It has been over a month since things ended with Gino and my heart has stopped skipping a beat everytime I think of him. This process of letting go has been painful but I've gained a deeper understanding of myself.

I tend to put up a wall to protect myself because I'm hypersensitive in many ways. I did some independent research which reaffirmed that. All my senses are extremely sensitive.
This most recent break up shed some light on my relationships with men.
I tried to take control by fucking him out of my system.
But women tend to form emotional attachments, very much like I did.
It was inevitable. Since I was never completely over him.

Once I let someone in, it's very hard to remove them. I can even still feel their essence long after we've stopped talking. Many times I call people who say they were just about to call me. I also have the ability to take on other people's emotions. I've never shared this with anyone until last week, during an intense conversation at an ungodly hour.

I think I want to concentrate on this for a bit. Wrap my mind around it and imerge with a clearer understanding of my talents and what they're meant for.

I bought a bunch of self help books that should help me figure out a way to address and solve some of these personal issues.