Now and Then

Sometimes I read my past posts and revel at my naiveté.  I was so young and went through so many men!   This blog is a gift to myself.  Maybe one day it will be a book but I feel lucky to have documented my growth.

When I began this journey… I was very young and fresh, unsure of where I would land.  I was trying to figure out many things but I knew I wanted something grand.  Then, it was a man, one that could support me completely and lavish me with expensive things.  That was ultimate nirvana to me.  I was in school and although that was paid in full by my parents luxuries were hard to come by, so was freedom.  I yearned for freedom.  Being the wild child that I was, I found a way to be free, in way… through men.  Only now as I look back do I see a pattern of choosing unavailable men, specifically married men.  They really are the easiest sugar daddies.  Married men have another full and demanding life completely separate from me.  When we meet our interaction is meant to be light hearted fun, no heavy bullshit.  I love that, it makes me happy to know I am blessing someone’s life with love and positive energy and no bullshit.  In turn my bills are paid and I live in luxury.  Until it ends, as it always does.

Now…  I am a woman, a captain of my own ship.  I am completely in charge of any destiny I want to create and I am very aware of that.  The majority of my time is spent pursuing my dreams, independent of wealthy men.  Although I use my sexuality for personal gain in different way, I no longer chase accomplished men, they gravitate to me when I’m not looking and I usually turn them down.  I feel freer than I’ve ever felt, I feel in control.  Perhaps that’s what they admire, a woman who knows who she is and is unwilling to settle for less than she’s worth.   In these days of nsa relationships and pay for play arrangements that must be rare.

Thank you for the comments of concern about my last relationship.  It was a difficult time.  I wrote that post a while ago but only chose to publish it recently, after all the residual emotional effect was gone.  I’ve since gone on trips with The Asshole of the Century and our relationship has changed drastically, I’ll be sure to give him a more fitting name in the future.  It was only after spending several nights with him, in separate beds of course, that I was sure I no longer harbored feelings for him.  Now I only feel basic human compassion with a twinge of pity for him. “Staying together for the kids” is a rough position to be in.  His life is devoid of unbridled passion, and certainly he can continue to pursue but he will never have complete freedom with a woman that he truly loves because of his obligations.  I understand it, which doesn’t make his lies and deceit acceptable, but it does make him more humane in my eyes.  I want to see him happy, I carry no ill-will towards him.  And I sincerely hope he has learned from his wrong doings.

He wasted two and a half years of my life and didn’t think twice about it. His selfish inclinations have upped my guard and compounded my fear of commitment but I’m working through it.  I strive to learn from all my experiences and he provided an important lesson.  Never question your intuition, as a woman ours are stronger for a reason.  If you feel it, you must react.  Do not delay.  And never, ever, trust a man completely.

Pain is part of life, we learn most from our greatest struggles.  Emotionally, this was my greatest accomplishment, being able to truly forgive, move on, and grow.