Road Kill

Now I really know what it feels like to kill another living being.

I didn't see him until it was too late,
perched on the very edge of the dampened sidewalk,
poised to make a dash accross the street.
Determined to survive.

I exclaimed.
My car swerved left, then right.
And that's when I heard it,
the sickening crunch of his little bones being crushed beneath my tire.
I think it was his head.
A tear drop. Poor squirrel never had a chance.

Alex

"So, when do I meet your Mother?"
I almost choked on my filet mignon.
Alex was eager to make the acquaintance of my family after just a few weeks. I suppose it's a good thing because it shows that his intentions are pure. But as I sat there imagining the look on my Mother's face after introducing her to my 46 year old boyfriend, I burst into laughter. "What's so funny? Won't she like me?" Alex asked nervously.
I replied reassuringly, "Of course she will darling."
It's not as if she has a choice. My Mother pays little attention to my romantic life, after all I am a woman and it is none of her business.

My relationship with Alex is progressing at a steady pace, we've wined and dined at wonderful restaurants and have a generally lovely time all without sex involved; I haven't engaged in such a courtship since I was in highschool! He no longer irritates me(as much) because I try to calm his insecurities with soothing responses and compliment him on a regular basis, he appears to be more secure. He's great company although he seems quite eager to take things to the next level, physically. Frankly, I'm surprised he has resisted jumping my bones for this long.

Sometimes I wonder if that's what this is to him; a tryst with a 21 year old is great locker room material. How serious is he about me? I know I'm quite mature and a great catch but what does a 46 year old man want with a 21 year old?
I've come to the realization that I'm not interested in short term flings with filthy rich men. I'm much more interested in a satisfying long term relationship with someone I can grow to love. As a girlfriend I am extremely loyal and dedicated to my partner, the hard part is finding someone who deserves my trust.
From time to time he does mention future plans with me in mind which can slightly startle someone who has been terrified of commitment for most of her life. I also get the feeling he never settles for less than absolutely gorgeous women. Not to say that I'm devastatingly good looking, but the way he goes on, I have no doubt that I am.


PS: I know I would be a complete idiot for sending Gino a gift on his birthday, but the situation was a little more complicated than I let on. We had sex on a friday afternoon and the very same evening his bestfriend saw me out on the town with a couple of male friends and must have reported this to him. He didn't call me for a couple of days because he was testing me, trying to gage how much I liked him by my reaction.

I know this because I used to do the same thing and when I asked him bluntly he could not reply without stuttering. The last time I spoke to him he was still upset that I "made him stoop to calling me with his number blocked like some sort of highschool kid." In short I bruised his ego but I think he was scared that he felt so strongly for me after just a couple of weeks especially with the memories of his past failed relationships still fresh in his mind. Gino wasn't ready to make any sort of commitments to me, not even a phone call.

I was never needy in any way and I don't feel I did anything wrong therefore my conscience is clear. But it's hard for me to let this one go because the instant safety and peace I felt with him was incomparable. Even though he's a handful I can't help but wonder if he thinks about me, or if I was just another notch on his belt. Perhaps it's simply a case of me wanting what I can't have.

Back on Track

For the past couple of weeks I have been dating Alex, who happens to be the nicest, most thoughtful and giving individual I have ever met. Problem is, I can't stand him. The first week of nonstop phone calls was tolerable, he bought me a small but very considerate gift without me asking and I really appreciated it. Especially after dating Gino who thought the entire world revolved around him; dating someone who doesn't have their own personal interest in mind at all times is a pleasant change.

Come to think of it, I do tend to gravitate towards arrogant, stubborn alpha males. Bad boys. There's something about young reckless wealthy men that I simply can't resist; add an admirable physique and I fall in love. I could never turn down such a challenge, having a strong uncompromising man cave in to my every whim and desire gives me an intense high.

Lately I've been thinking of Gino, a lot. His slanted brown eyes and full red lips... sigh
Today I got it into my head to send him a Harry and David gift on his birthday which is in a month. I flipped through the catalogue, picked a lovely basket and set the date in my PDA. My irrational impulse to contact him may be pre-menstrual hormones kicking in; I truly hope it is unless I'm about to make a complete fool of myself.
So here I am, yearning to kiss the lips of a man who never returned my calls. While the efforts of another, who seems perfect for me, goes unnoticed.

The truth of the matter is that Alex is a 46 year old man with three children(one minor) who has been married three times. Talk about baggage. He's also discussed his most recent relationship with me, in depth. Apparently he broke up 3 months ago with a victoria's secret model look a like who used him up and ended up getting back together with her ex husband, who works for the mob. So he has nothing, after three divorces and a sugarbaby he's drained. But, he's a resilient fellow, he "does well but wants to be rich" and has no doubt he will be in a matter of time. We'll see.

In addition to his emotionally unstable relationship history, he does many things that bug the hell out of me. The most irritating is that he texts me 20 times a day with mushy shit like "I can't get you out of my mind, I can hardly wait to see you again". While I am a romantic at heart, I am not touchy-feely in any way. Giving each other nicknames and saying I love at every opportunity makes my stomach churn.
I feel if I'm truly in love, I do not need to over-extend myself by being mushy. He's also very needy, the other day he noted that I never give him any compliments. Usually, I date confident men who do not need their egos stroked, he does. He seems to be in need of my assurance at times and he fishes for responses from me on a regular basis, that in itself is quite annoying.
Usually I just tell him what he wants to hear because he seems like not only an excellent sugar daddy but a potential boyfriend as well. I really do enjoy his company when he's not irritating me.
But how do I foster this relationship without exposing my displeasure? Should I cut down the time we spend together or just hold my tongue? Patience is not a virtue that I encompass, this must be remedied immediately.
If not, I will be surprised if it lasts more than two months.

Unrequited Love

After Gino and I had sex for the first time, he didn't call me for two days following. When he finally called me I didn't pick up, he left a message and had this playful tone in his voice that seriously irritated me, because I felt used and rejected at the time. And he continued to call me for the remainder of the day; I didn't answer any of his calls. The next day he called me and blocked his number. I don't usually pick up my blocked calls but I did that day and boy do I regret it.
He asked me why I wasn't answering his calls, told me he was sorry for not calling and that he missed me. He also said he thought that I was overreacting to the entire situation.
Overreacting? I just fucked a man and he didn't call me for two days! I was pissed off.
We ended up getting together, I was still upset and told him so. To which he replied "Well, I don't know what to say, your temper is very intimidating." I didn't drag the matter out any longer, I was eager to put the bullshit behind us and move on. When we parted I was under the impression that everything was peaches.
Apparently not, he hasn't called me since.

I cannot help but chastize myself for once again falling in love with the wrong type of man. I seem to be attracted to emotionally unavailable men. I knew going in that Gino was guarded and a bit sensitive from being hurt in the past. But yet I charged on, wanting to show him how wonderful love can be and hoping for a change of heart. The truth of the matter is that he is not ready for a relationship. I have cried for the many possibilities of our love and the loss of what I thought was a great connection. Now I'm over it.

If I had the chance to speak to Gino once more I would say:
"I'm grateful for making your acquaintance and I do hope the feeling is mutual. We've shared many laughs and pleasures, even though this is ending quite differently than we both imagined. I hope that when you think of me you can smile and wonder how I am doing.
I wish you good luck in life and in love. I'm sure you'll be more successful than you can possibly imagine."

"Candy" by Mian Mian

On a lighter note, I've just finished reading "Candy" by Mian Mian. An excellent book for anybody who enjoys unpretentious real literature, very refreshing. Here's an excerpt that hit close to home for me and my experiences with big city nightlife:
"When the music is empty enough that I can put myself inside it, taking it in on every level, and the air is charged with electricity, I can achieve a dream state, and like a dream, there are no words to describe it. The music is moving me; I don't need to move on my own. Sometimes the moon appears in the room, bringing this news: all the news that terrifies me to the depths of my soul, all the people who make me their clown. We will never be parted; we will always be this perfect, this complete....
I like clubs best in the early morning because all of the boring people have gone and only the truly boring people are still there. Chinese and laowai, phony artists and real ones, prostitutes, local slackers, dumb-ass white-collar types. It doesn't matter who they are; it's too late, and none of the men are likely to pick up a woman, and none of the women are likely to pick up a guy. Nobody is going to pick anybody up; they're all fucked. A few cold rays of early-morning light pierces the room, and we sway inside the music. Everyone has a language that belongs to his own body. After-hours is the most real time of all."

Dirty Fingernails

I am in love with a man I have known for two and a half weeks. He is tall, beautiful and an incredible kisser. I can't stop thinking about him. Gino owns a restaurant, he's 6'3 and an ex professional baseball player. The first time we met, we spent the entire weekend alone and cuddled. Since then, I have had more contact with him and more of a understanding of who he is. He is so considerate, compassionate and caring. When we're together, money is the furthest thing from my mind, it just feels so right. I can see myself with this man for a long time and I think he feels the same about me. But I've only known the guy for two weeks so I'm trying to take it as slow as my over complicated psyche will allow..

A friend told me
"If you find someone you're passionate about and you can accept their faults then that's love."

BIG NEWS, I got another job! One that I actually enjoy and pays better than most of the jobs I've had. A big plus is that I come in contact with well to do men on a daily basis and it is in a industry that I hope to master.
I went out with Emir sometime ago, before Gino. We met at a mutually convenient location, a gas station. It was a Sunday night so we had very few options to choose from but finally settled on a local nightclub. As the night progressed, certain things about him rubbed me the wrong way, primarily his sleazy part french part Italian accent and the way my name rolled sloppily off his tongue. After the bar we went to a hole in the wall restaurant to sober up before heading home and during our late night snack I glanced at his hands and blanched. There was a layer of black dirt under his fingernails! I immediately lost my appetite; I looked at my watch and suggested we get going. Once he dropped me off at my car, I sped off in the opposite direction and have been ignoring his calls since.

Catching Up

I do so hate to go for so long without writing! Once more, my busy schedule has taken precedence.
I have officially ended my online sugar daddy search, profiles have been taken down, email addresses erased and identities destroyed.
I'm also in the process of setting up shoots with several photographers, my newest ambition is to be a new face in Perfect 10 Magazine although they seem to adore Russian women willing to spread their legs in a shot. I should like to become a super model and auction off my used underwear. It's been over a year since I participated in a photoshoot and I feel completely novice to the industry but I should end up with some quality shots for my portfolio, so I'm looking forward to it. Afterwards I will send the best(conservative) shots to a variety of matchmakers including Millionaire's Club, has anyone had any luck through matchmaking agencies? I wonder.

Last weekend I went to one of the hottest night clubs in the area. It's known for its french cuisine during the day and the rich pockets that fill its bar at night. I went with 6 girls and 1 male friend, we arrived at the valet in a Cadillac Escalade ready to dance the night away.
A little trouble at the door was the result of the two underage girls in our company, nothing a little cash under the table couldn't settle.

Then I met Emir, the first young man to buy me a drink that night. He couldn't take his eyes off my cleavage, thanks to my crushed velvet bustier-styled top. I knew he had money, he smelled wonderful and I recognized his Armani get up from my most recent trip to the mall. We chit chatted about the usual as he exchanged sly looks with his two friends, who were also seated at our reserved table. By the time we departed, I knew what sort of car he drove, that he owned an auto shop, car lot and numerous vacant properties, and his marital status(separated). Usually, a night like this would be a complete bust in my book, but because I expected nothing it was a great success. Emir and I have plans to go out next weekend.


Some have asked why a bright young thing such as myself would pursue a sugar daddy relationship.
It's not that I'm lazy, I'm actually quite ambitious. I have an interest in everything and anything but I lack direction.
More than anything I desire never to "work".
Work.
The word paralyzes my entire body and sends shivers into the deepest corners of my soul...
Work.
It's the reason I stop showing up after being hired a week earlier.
To perform a repetitious task, a mentally numbing thankless job. It isn't me. It isn't life.
And therefore I vow to do everything in my power to avoid this thing called work.

Money not only talks, but it screams these days. I'm here, willing and ready. Ready to cash in on my youth and all that comes with it. I feel a little redundancy when I have to explain my point of view. Often I myself ponder the logic of my thoughts but I just exist and there is no logical explanation for my train of thought. Logic is relative to the individual, as with everything else in life.

A friend flew down to visit with me during the holidays. We attended a bash in the burbs and there she met a disgustingly rich fellow who has bought her jewelry and will fly her back out here in a couple of weeks to visit with him. Although she went much farther him than I'd have gone after just meeting someone for the first time, I can't help but wonder, why do I have such shitty luck? Is there something in particular I should change to draw in the right men?
I also met someone at the party. While I had a good time and "made him feel better than he's felt in years"(no sex involved) he ended up being her guy's flunky, ie: total waste of time.

The Biggest Club Night of the Year

Kelly, Tina and I made the rounds on the night before Thanksgiving - America's biggest club night of the year, who better to spend it with than two of my hardcore party girls? They're very simple girls that live for VIP events and shopping sprees but also very hot and lots of fun to party with. Kelly's boyfriend hosted a get-together at his parent's mini-mansion. I should have known what I was getting into when we parked outside the house behind rows of cars with bumper stickers of local colleges. We walked into a living room filled with beer bonging youth - not my scene at all. After sharing an obligatory drink we escaped downtown to one of our favorite clubs C.R.E.A.M.
We drove back to the suburbs once CREAM closed.

The next soiree we attended was deemed an "after-hours" by the young man who threw it. I've known JC for a while and he's been begging me to attend one of his parties since he moved into his new house. While I've been delaying because I know he wants to fuck me, he called me earlier to personally invite me, so I promised I would.
Following JC's directions I drove up to a large stone house perched at the end of a winding heated driveway. A lion head knocker graced the large solid oak door.
*KNOCK KNOCK*
A robed JC opened the door positively beaming with a cocktail in his right hand. We entered. Marble floors were the first luxuries I noticed then the wood paneled walls, laced with glass and leather furniture. The place wasn't fully decorated quite yet but my, was it something to look at. Very transatlantic blood sucker Goth, complete with a wrought iron staircase and lanterns hanging from the cieling.
"Your pad is fucking hot, I'd like to come over one day and walk around naked pretending that I own the place" said Tina. Tact was not her middle name.

After taking a tour of the 8,000 sq. foot gem of a house, I was reintroduced to Donnie, JC's cousin and roomate. Coincidentally, I knew Donnie before I met JC but we haven't spoken in years. Partly because he was in a long distance relationship at the time, but mostly because he was a substantially overweight and timid workaholic. Donnie has matured significantly since the last time we met, he is now 30 years old, 40 lbs. lighter and handsome. It looked like he'd gotten a bit of work done, he certainly looked "awake" and his chin was more prominent than I remamber it being.

I mingled with the crowd of suburban club kids for a while, occasionally catching Donnie's eyes and holding them. I felt something when I looked at him; chemistry or maybe pure horniness from not fucking for 2 months, damn Michael. Donnie and I eventually made our way to each other.
"Have you seen the house yet?"
"No" I lied.
And so he gave me his own personal tour of the house. We ended at his bedroom, how convenient for him. I fell onto his butter soft down feather mattress. We watched TV for what seemed like an eternity, I wondered when he would make his move. Or was he still the shy chubby man I once knew. Finally he stroked my cheek and turned my face towards his. Mmm, he smelled incredible, our lips touched, his were very soft and feminine. We undressed each other but since it was that time of the month we just fooled around. I played with his chest hair and bit his nipples, he even let me smack him around a bit.
Then he introduced me to the most heavenly anal manipulation I have ever experienced. Never have I been a fan of anything anal until I came three times under his touch. It felt like a good fuck should feel.
I enjoyed it immensely and then took a shower to wash his scent off me.
He was asleep when it came time for me to go, so I left my number on the back of a business card on his nightstand... for future references.

A Chardonnay-induced Poem

Broken people are everywhere
crying out for attention, lurking in the darkness
Happy faces with sad souls
life is a masquerade ball in which we all must dance
Fast, slow or just a little behind

Happy days and lonely nights
It's all a facade
Our thoughts are a series of fantasies
Wishes of being where we want to be
of living and dreaming and dancing care free
free of all conventional shackles
Able to be me, with no consequences
Broken people are everywhere, and one of them is me.

So much has been going on! Join my mailing list to be notified of my entries as I will be posting sporadically.

Finally

I was screaming inside but my face bore a rigid half smile. For the first time, I was meeting a gentleman I had been corresponding with extensively over the internet. His pictures were grossly misrepresented. The man I met was short and stocky with a regressing hairline and a belly that hung over his belt. He claimed he was 38 but looked closer to 50. He made me uncomfortable by asking many personal questions, such as the major crossroads by my house, where I went to highschool and my exact date of birth; to which I gave false answers.
When an older mentions my age in practically every conversation we have, it means he's uncomfortable with it. But if he associates me in any way to "barely legal teens" then he's a hardcore pervert of the pedophilic variety.
Maybe I'm exacerbating his flaws because I'm not the least bit attracted to him. So I have continued my communication with him and he's only gotten even more creepy. I can't put my finger on it, but something is definitely awry and I'm not sticking around to find out what.

I did go out with Raj. It was a Tuesday night and he decided the casino would be the best location for our first date. We first went to a working class casino to meet a couple of his friends who owed him money. When we got there we ordered at a restaurant and after receiving a call from his friends he left before the food came. Upon his arrival at our table he explained the situation to me; the men he had to meet weren't really his friends, they were simply "delivery men" that worked for the underground operation to which he loaned $100,000 so he wouldn't have to pay exorbitant taxes. A generous 20% interest rate was the agreement, so every other week he would meet these seedy goliaths who will hand him $6,000 until the entirety is delivered. On our way to a more upscale casino, he had me take the stacks of money out of their paper bands and count the money to make sure it was all there. Once more I have been proven wrong; there are worse places to meet a man than the internet.

So Liz has decided to end her search for a sugar daddy. I can't blame her, sometimes I get sick of constantly being on the look out for rich men. I spend two hours everyday grooming myself! Liz's decision caused me to re-evaluate my reasons for looking for a sugar daddy. It came down to this - how badly do I want it? Is it worth spending hours daily on maintenance alone? Could I really be happy with a man old enough to be my father? Yes, yes and yes! You see, by being meticulously preened and fabulous at all times I give up nothing. I love coordinating my outfits, getting manicures/pedicures and especially shopping. I love all these things with or without the benefit of meeting rich men(preferably with). Looking my best gives me a high because I am a perfectionist to the core and nothing less will do. Besides, if I was married to a rich man I would be carrying on the same.

We're now in a furnished house that had an old stench when we moved in but is now comfortable and lacks only a working phone line. Hence, I haven't been able to post as often as I would like to and must now resort to the public library as my only link to the internet. Please forgive the delay.

PS: I want to thank Sarong Party Girl for linking me. By the way if you aren't familiar with her blog please visit, it's delicious.

I'm back!

My goodness it has been too long, how time flies! My post is coming very soon, please be patient.

Update - Part II

In the midst of yesterday's rant I forgot to mention what I've been up to for the past couple of weeks.
I got a job! I've been working part time at a coffee shop/cafe.
Some benefits of this job are daily interactions with rich men, some young but most are over 40. Before I received my first paycheck I realized that standing on my feet for five hours at a time and serving people does not agree with me. I quit on Thursday and thanks to this venture into the workforce I left with several business cards from eligible men and can now afford my winter purse.
Last night wasn't a complete waste. Shortly after I posted, I received a phone call from a young man I met at the cafe. Raj is a 26 year old who runs an IT employment agency; he had a privileged childhood and attended a top tier college. Although he is educated he has the maturity of an 18 year old boy, among his interests are gambling, strip clubs and "shagging"(yes he actually said it!). He also has a bad habit of name dropping and brags about his possessions. After a lengthy discussion of his luxury cars and the strippers who want to date him, I found myself indulging him then tactfully changing the subject.
He is so very easy to handle and not quite the challenge I usually look for - he's somewhat of a geek(which is ok because I'm a geek too) who is trying way too hard, he reminds me of my little brother.
Shall I give him a try? After a series of failed attempts to date older and presumably "mature" men, I'm giving this a significant amount of consideration.
I'm also thinking of limiting my sugar daddy search to men over 50, and if they happen to be looking for a "just a friend with benefits" I will kindly refer them to the escorts section in the yellow pages.

Pissed Off

I'm sitting here all dressed up with nowhere to go. The date I had set for tonight canceled on me last minute in an impolite manner. On Friday we made plans to meet at a fancy restaurant by my house tonight. But yesterday I called him and suggested somewhere more casual because I couldn't find anything suitable to wear. Well, today I called him a total of 3 times and emailed him before I got any response. He sent me this email --

I got your message Tiffany but I don't know that we really have much in
common. I am not comfortable with someone who doesn't leave a number
and I suspect that I am really just looking for a friend with benefits.
Tom

---end of email---

You suspect you're just looking for a fuck buddy? How can you be 42 and unsure of what you want? He's so full of it. I always called him private and not once did he ask for my number, which I would not have given anyway since I don't give my number to anonymous men I've never met in person.
Maybe I give off the girlfriend material vibe because this is the second time I've heard "I'm just looking for a friend with benefits" in two weeks. The first was a young cocky guy who lives out of state, I wasn't interested then and I'm certainly not interested now. I have no problem with the man looking for casual sex but he should have made that clear early on so I didn't waste my time.
When I called him back to respond he didn't pick up, what a coward.

There has been a lesson learned here, I must be blunt with all future men I chat with online; make them understand that I am NOT looking for a "friend with benefits"(this seems to be the preferred term for the over 30 crowd).
I truly doubt decent men who want a long term relationship are looking for quality women online. It would be a better idea to simply try to meet men at coffee shops and happy hours but I don't have to wear makeup and pumps to send an email.

The Roof is on Fire!

I apologize profusely for the delay, my house almost burned down.
On Saturday Michael and I alternated binge drinking and sex. By the time he left I was toasted. Suddenly, I had the taste for stir fried vegetables(oily blackened carrots and broccoli of all things, what am I PREGNANT?). I placed a skillet with a drizzle of olive oil on the stove. Ok, more than a "drizzle", closer to 15 tablespoons. I pushed the knob to high with the intention of returning to my vegetables in a couple of minutes. I plopped down on the living room couch and hit play - Man on the Roof was my selection for the night.
Fatigue from a busy day and 3 vodka cocktails swiftly set in, 30 seconds later I was out like a light. I awakened to my sister screaming, "TIFF, THE FUCKING HOUSE IS ON FIRE!!!" The smell of smoke permeated my nostrils and deposited a thick layer of soot - then I noticed blaring fire alarm. My house was burning while I slept absentmindedly. Was this a dream? Please God let this be a dream.
"If wishes were horses then beggars would ride."
My reflexes kicked in. I found my way to the kitchen through the dense smoke and there I confronted the angry flames spewing from the cupboards above the microwave and licking the ceiling. I ran to the laundry room to procure a large bucket which I never found. Grabbing the nearest midsized container in desperation - a homedics foot spa - I filled it with water from the laundry room basin. Making a mad dash to the kitchen I threw the contents on the fire, the defeated flames emitted a loud TSSSSSST. I rushed back to the laundry room to continue my fight against the diminishing inferno. After 9 trips back and forth I won the battle, the fire was out! My victory dance was cut short by my asthmatic reaction to the smoke. I joined my sister outside reassuring her that the fire was out "but fluffy's still inside!" she said. We took one look at each other, held our breaths and sprinted back in for the family cat. A frightened fluffy slowly crawled out from under the couch where he was hiding when we called for him. Once again we found our way outside where we called the fire department to make sure the fire was out; they informed me that I could have cause the fire to spread if a drop oil had been in the pan.

To cut an insanely long story short, we're moving into temporary housing for a month or two. And since our house isn't "livable" according to the insurance agents, here we are in a hotel awaiting information on furnished apartments.

Thank you for saving my house

Update

My sugar daddy search has been coming around quite nicely. So far, I have 4 potential boyfriends who are all mature and established. In the next couple of days I will talk with them all on the phone and update you.

I'm currently reading The Art of Seduction by Robert Greene. It's a lovely book, really. But it's so.. t e d i o u s. There are many stories of infamous seducers. I've been attempting to read it for the past two months! Between my schoolwork and self-help books, it has become more of a chore than leisure reading. Many of the so-called tips in the book were common sense to me. Those with short attention spans, beware.

While researching how to approach men I ran across the most absurd little website. There's a section on How to Date Younger Women. I can't relocate the site, promise to post it tomorrow.

Michael's coming over in about.. now :)

I'm gonna get laid tonight *dancing*

Beautiful Sunset

Michael and I went out on Friday night. Feeling a little down after dredging up repressed memories, I needed a pick me up. Besides he's been begging for a chance to take me out.

My relationship with Joe left me emotionally numb. Intentionally seeking out the most arrogant men, I would use them up and run away like a thief in the night, with their hearts in my back pocket.
Then I met him. Wherever I ran he'd follow until I became exhausted. I surrendered and opened myself up to him. Trusted.. only to be let down when he didn't live up to my unachievable expectations.
Michael is only 25, currently enrolled in medical school and plans to pursue a political career in the future. With his plate overflowing with responsibilities, time for extracurricular activities are limited, which is the main reason we're not together. Plus I got sick of his shit, he unintentionally plays games. When I don't want him, he pops in for surprise visits and tells me he loves me. When I feel like I can't live without him, he "needs his space" and isn't ready for a commitment.
But physically he's stunning, tall with piercing green eyes and a bronze chiseled body. When I need great sex Michael is my first choice.

We went to a new nightclub in yuppieville. It had a NYC vibe without the bad attitudes and drag queens. Merengue was playing downstairs accompanied by a live drummer. Upstairs was the main dance floor and your average top 40 dj.
Not sure how many drinks I had, he was buying and I wasn't counting. We ended up on the dance floor with drunken smiles on our faces. His hands on my breasts. My hand on his cock. Gyrating to the music pounding from the speakers behind us, putting on a free show, oblivious to the world. Good times.

When we left the club I was ready to jump his bones so we snuck into the abandoned lot next door.
He insisted on going down on me, which I have no patience for. It's wonderful if you enjoy it but it just makes me horny and impatient. When it was my turn to reciprocate I barely had him in my mouth before he slipped the condom on (apparently he had just gotten a check up and he wanted to wait for his results before any fluid to fluid interaction, isn't he thoughtful?). To make things more interesting we went outside and he sat on the hood of the car. I climbed on top in my favorite position riding his dick until we came together in the parking lot of Mcdonald. Classy. He pointed out that I used him for sex. I laughed, "so what?" That's all I remember until he dropped me off at home; where I peed in the bushes before stumbling loudly inside and passing out in bed.

And so, the vicious cycle continues.
I will always love him unconditionally but I must be practical.
He does not have the time and I do not have the patience to wait.

The sunset tonight - taken with my camera phone

I wanna get married!

I'm sick of dating.

I'm sick of going to smoky bars and coming home smelling like an ashtray.
I'm sick of grubby strangers who've had a little too much to drink.
I'm sick of pounding bass and electronic music.

I'm sick of answering corny e-mails with questions like "Did you fall out of heaven?"
I'm sick of yahoo personals
I'm sick of anybody who types "asl?"
I'm sick of being asked for more pictures

I just wanna get married!
Or live comfortably with my rich boyfriend at the least.
:)

Moving on

I have moved on with my active search for a sugar daddy. I placed an ad in the personals today, my third time. I don't understand why a sophisticated ad like mine gets responses from mainly electricians and plumbers. This time I took a simpler route by describing my appearance in more detail and deleting a long winded sentence. I also joined two dating websites that target the affluent.

By the way, I'm quite good looking(attempt at being modest) in case any of you were wondering. 5'5 120 lbs. athletic body and real 36d breasts.

So why don't I have a stable of sugar daddies?
I read somewhere that the sugar baby has to take the initiative and make the first move. It's difficult to drum up conversation with a complete stranger because I'm used to having men approach me. And the older gentlemen may be intimidated. Plus, I'm just a little shy. I smile at them and show them I'm interested but they rarely make the move. What's a girl to do?

Step 1 - Look up advice on approaching men

Step 2 - Use a new one each day
This is going to be so much fun!

Dancing Banana

Marco II

My plan backfired, Marco hasn't called me back. He's either more stubborn than I thought or he doesn't plan to call at all. I cannot say I'm not disappointed. My imagination painted a vivid picture of lazy summer nights, yacht parties and adventurous trips to faraway places.
I left him a message wishing him the best, closure is a must for me.

I really liked Marco. Mostly for his accent and the tentative plans we made, but he also made me feel safe. I can count the number of people I trust on one hand, trust is a gift I'm reluctant to give. After being sheltered and naive for most of my life, I learned that the hard way from Joe.

Joe was my 29 year old boyfriend when I was 17. He was built like a quarterback and had two successful businesses. When we first started dating he was the man I dreamt of. He brought me breakfast from my favorite restaurant and gave me whatever I wanted whenever I wanted it. Then things started to move fast, very fast. He said he always wanted to have a baby boy and he wanted me to have it. I began to think that he was "the one" but was I ready for a child?? I told him that I would like to finish college at the very least, before having any children.

That was when things took an ugly turn. It started one night when we were on our way to dinner. I was chattering about something or the other and hardly noticed him staring at the tongue ring I've had since I met him. He pulled over and wound down the window making me remove my tongue ring and throw it out. "Only sluts wear tongue rings" he said with disgust dripping from his voice. From then on he would constantly berate me, calling me stupid and criticizing every decision I made.

Then the hitting started. He wanted me to run an errand for him and swing by the office. I said no, I had homework and a test to study for. He pleaded and eventually I caved. I walked to the back office with a smile, expecting gratitude and thanks. Instead he had me sit on his lap and kissed me, then with no warning he flipped me over, pinning me down and started hitting me on my ass very very hard. This was not a spanking this was assault, I couldn't sit for two days. In the next few months it escalated to backhanded slaps and hickies that hurt. I just couldn't take it anymore so I broke things off. He called me at least 20 times a day, begging me to see him for just five minutes. "Five minutes?" I thought. No problem. He picked me up and practically kidnaped me, taking me far away from my house. He wanted to explain himself. But why here?

I waited for his apology while we were sitting in the car, he looked like he was thinking about what to say. Without a word he took out a gun and started imaginary target practice on a tree behind me, aiming dangerously close to my head. "Relax, the gun isn't loaded" he said. Just then it went off with a loud boom in my left ear. "Oh shit" he said. Oh shit is right, the bullet barely grazed my ear and settled into the trunk of the tree. He said he didn't mean to, he didn't know the gun was loaded but if the bullet would have hit me, he would have dumped my body in a nearby lake all the same.
By now I was scared shitless and more than ready to go home. With every ounce of self esteem and strength left in me I demanded that he take me home. I should have known better, Joe hates when people tell him what to do. He slammed my head into the passenger side window and said "What the fuck are you going to do if I don't?" then laughed. I gritted my teeth and tried not cry. Five minutes later he started the car and when we got to my house I walked out without looking back. I put a bandaid on my ear and never told a soul about what happened that day. Joe called me regularly for the next two years. I never answered.

I could not trust another man until Michael. He has helped me to trust again and grow into the person that I am now.

A day at the casino makes me horny

He pushes me against the wall and kisses me hard. His lips are soft and full, I sink into him when we kiss. As we rip the clothes off each other we tumble into bed.

He grabs my thighs and pulls my hips to his face. Breathing heavily while parting my pussy lips with his tongue. It felt incredible as he gently strokes his tounge in and out of me. Then flicking my clit with the tip of his tongue he slides a finger into me. I'm wet and slippery, soaked with my own juices by now. He slips a second finger into me, hitting my g-spot with every stroke...
Screw this, I'm ready. I push him off me and jump on top of him. mmm.. looks like he's ready too... I position myself on top of his hard dick slowly lowering my body onto his.

*beep* *beep* *beep*

Time to get up.
It was a wet dream.
I need a cold shower.

To be continued...