Santa's Coming

When I look into my past Gino is still the only man I would conider having a future with. I think about him from time to time, but I deleted his number from my cell just incase I got the itch again. I've been invited by a mutual friend to a party at his restaurant, I won't be attending.
I saw Teddie at a bar downtown last weekend. Once his eyes caught mine he ran up to give me a great big hug like we were long lost friends. During our embrace, the familiar heat of an oncoming blush ran up my neck and to my cheeks. I excused myself and freshened up in the girls room. Teddie and I engaged in "catch up" chat when I got back. He complimented me and I reciprocated while staring at the gray in his beard. Then he left. I'm still trying to figure out what I saw in him in the first place. Oh yes... the kiss.
Yesterday I spent time with Michael. He catered to my every whim as usual then asked what I wanted for Christmas, to which I replied "Please get me the Ugg Uptowns in chocolate, they're only $180." And flashed him a big smile.
"Ok, I can handle that" he said, "but what will I get in return?"
I've had this idea for some time and when I presented it to him, I knew it was the right gift.
"I'll do a nude photoshoot with your name painted on me in chinese characters. Would you like that?" I asked coyly.
Clever me.
Then I fucked him like there was no love in my heart, only lust. I fucked him like he was a stranger. And it was mindblowing.
I suppose I wouldn't be such a bad whore after all.

The married man is quite taken with me, he emails me and calls frequently. He's also given me money and gifts.
Good thing I want to accost him, otherwise his generosity would be mistaken as desperation. I don't plan on dishing out the goods until at least the third date. Like I read on millionaire's club, you have to make him wait a while and fall in love with you before you fuck him. When he's paying all your bills and giving an allowance, sex is permissible. Although this isn't a conventional courtship, I am treating it as such. I never call him and I wait at least 24 hours to reply his emails.
In another life I may have considered dating the guy. Minus the wife and boring corporate job, he really is perfect for me. I try to be a little cold and distant but I could really lose my head over this one, if allowed.
Even though I appreciate the money and gifts, it's his smile I really love seeing. I'm planning something special to show my appreciation(and turn him on a bit), I hope he likes it.

More Like it

I recently went out with a man. He's tall, handsome and very married. For some time before we met, my comfort level of dating someone who can never be mine wavered. But now that I'm no longer looking for love(I haven't given up yet), I think he's perfect for me.
We met at a higher end chow spot and I was running late as usual. Finally I got to our table in the corner, quiet and reserved. When he stood to greet me I was a bit intimidated, he has a dominating presence. But the domination ends there, he's sweet, considerate(almost to a fault) and very generous. Maybe it was his laid back poise that did it, but from the time I came till the time we departed I wanted to jump his bones. I wonder if he could tell how horny I was for him. True I haven't had sex in a while but it wasn't just that. It was his unassuming simplicity that made me soaking wet. That and his voice that could melt butter. I wanted to kiss the head of his dick, run my tongue down the shaft and suck gently on his balls (I've been reading Teenage Lolita's blog, I guess her explicitness has rubbed off on me?).

I couldn't stop the dirty movie in my head from playing over and over again. So I concentrated on my food.


My online search is coming along nicely, I've met four men so far, the married one included. Two from the sugardaddy site and one from the swingers site.

The first potential was is his 50s, we didn't talk much but we had a nice lunch at a restaurant I've been meaning to try. He was handsome so I wouldn't mind sex with him but there was absolutely no chemistry. *crickets* seemed like the appropriate background for our date.

Potential number two, let's call him The Groper. We had a decent meal but it was immediately after lunch with potential #1 so I wasn't hungry, and the restaurant he chose wasn't of my taste either. He said he was in his 30s, but he was at least 40 and balding, the conversation was entertaining enough though. All was well until it came time to depart, he walked me to my car and tried to kiss me on the lips! Yuck! I told him I didn't kiss on the first date. He made a baby face, smacked my ass and said "see ya later babe." What a turn off. He's called me multiple times since then and I've dodged the bullet. I may succumb if he bribes me with the date from heaven and of course we'll have to talk about keeping our hands to ourselves.

Potential number three, let's call him Jack (because he looked like a lumber jack). We met at a low key spot and had a long conversation. He has a pessimistic nature which rubbed me the wrong way. He's also presumptuous and thought he knew eveything about me on sight. Even so, I was willing to put all of that aside and be a positive spotlight in his life. We made arrangements for a second date. He cancelled on me twice and called weeks later to apologize with some lame ass excuse. So sorry, no longer interested.

After avoiding Marco's sappy emails, I gave in and sent him my number. He called me and tried to initiate the same relationship we had last year. I told him he was unrealistic and I was too tired for phone sex and mind games. Trying to sway my mind with empty promises of cars, shopping and vacations won't work anymore. I know he and his family are bloody rich but I'm sick of him insulting my intelligence by assuming I'll put up with his shit for a carrot dangled in front of my face. Enough is enough. Unless he sends me a tangible token of appreciation, he's cancelled.

Nice Girls Don't Get Rich

This search for "love" has clouded my judgment and distracted me from my initial purpose, money. It looks as though I'm taking the serious gold digger route. So what?
I'm extremely tired and a bit hardened, but after much consideration I concluded I would rather be spoiled and heartless than broke and in love. Broke is a harsh word because I hit my parents up for money constantly. What I mean is I'll no longer give it up in the name of love.
Love, for me, does not exist right now. Yes I date mostly wealthy, accomplished men but marrying one of them would be a horrendous mistake. Even a serious relationship might be too much for me, I just have too many personal issues to sort out first.
Perhaps I wanted someone to give me what Michael refused to, commitment. And I felt subconsciously that a commitment was the only thing missing from my life that would make it complete.
When I look back on my most recent trysts I can't even see their faces, I hardly remember their names, all I remember is the feeling of being completely lost in someone else. Still I get cravings for men that I would long to have once more. But no more feelings of emptiness or something missing, because now I have a better idea of what I want.

I ran into Gino's best friend the other day, his name is J. There's a big event coming up and he hired me for a project he's running at the event. I've met J once before but he doesn't recall. It was a sunny summer day when Gino and I went for a drive, as we drove back into the subdivision(they live in extremely close proximity) we saw J walking his dog and stopped to say hello.
Our collaboration thus far has been peppered with questions about Gino, the regular "how did you meet?" and "When did you last see him?" But I suspect it will get more personal as time passes.
As I never forget faces, I never forgot J. Even though I fantasize about ripping his clothes off during our business meetings, I would never ever make the mistake of sleeping with a boss/colleage/anyone I work with again. Lesson learned.

I've been spending more time with Michael on a weekly basis and I've realized that when I look back on this past year, with its potential boyfriends and sugardaddies, ours is the only relationship left standing. I took it for granted when it was convenient to, but no more. I appreciate this wonderful human being and best friend I am lucky to have. Perhaps we will get married one day and perhaps not, but no matter what he will always be there, and that's all that matters to me right now.

Even though I said I was done with my online search, I have recently joined four(count them, 4) online dating sites.
One just for sugardaddies and sugarbabies
One geared towards swingers
and two particularly for extramarital affairs.
(From a strictly analytical point of view, a woman who wants no commitment and as much freedom as possible should join a site for extramarital affairs. These men are willing to spend much more for so little because of their insufferable wives or large sexual appetites or both.)

I'm having loads of fun simply corresponding with men from each site and observing their oddities, it's fascinating. The consesus seems to be that the more money you have, the more psychologically fucked up you're apt to be, go figure.
My goal for this new online pursuit is a shopping spree and at least one vacation.

A Lost Post

I wrote this entry before the August 31st entry, but apparently forgot to post it.

--------------------------------------

August 8th, 2005

I made the mistake of contacting Gino.

Well it wasn't completely intentional.

A friend had a party at his restaurant and I texted him from our table. I pretty much felt obligated to say hello, since we were at his place.
So I did.

He was at a table with two girls that looked like street walkers. I know he's opening up a strip club so I assumed they were new employees. Until one of them whispered in his ear and asked him for something, to which he said "no". To me it looked as if they had an intimate relationship, maybe I was wrong. She bounced up against him and begged for whatever it was that she wanted. He said "no" once more.
Then he saw me.
He stood up and gave me a big hug.
"Hey Tiff, you look absolutely gorgeous! How have you been?"
"I've been great! Just started a new job and..."
His companion interrupted "Can we go to Boston, pleeeaaasseee?!"
Boston is the name of his new restaurant, apparently she wanted to go.
"No" he said calmly and resturned to our conversation.
"Well the other restaurant is open now and I've been working like dog, I've been here since 8am."
"That's nuts" I said, "don't work too hard, I just came to say hi."
He gave me another bear hug.
"Give me a call later"
"Later?" I asked, it was 1 in the morning.
"You know what I mean."
"Ok, I'll give you a call when I get back into town." My flight to New York was leaving later that morning and I had no intention of calling him.
"Cool, and stop by Boston whenever you get a chance."
"I'll do that" I had no intention of stopping by.
Then I walked back to my table.
Although brief, the encounter reaffirmed my feelings for him, and I haven't been able to get him out of my head since. I was doing so well!! I'm a bit disappointed at myself, I thought I was completely over him but I guess not. Since we stopped dating things have gotten a bit messy. For one, a friend of mine came into town and had her way with a few of Gino's good friends. Now I'm forever linked to that and I wonder if the story has been exaggerated and worse if I've been associated with the entire fiasco. Then there's that guy I dated, who took me out just because I was seeing Gino, sometimes I wonder if Gino heard I was dating that guy and decided not to call for that reason.
In either case I'm day dreaming about him way too much again, the way he finger fucks my ass when I'm about to come...
I even thought about cruising the parking lot of his restaurant to see if his car was there. Am I turning into a stalker?

I want to taste myself all over his mouth and kiss my scent off his lips.
I'm noticing a trend. I crave him when I'm not having sex with anyone else.
I have a self destructive addictive personality. I tend to push my limits and develop unhealthy vices. Like Gino.

Perhaps we were meant to have many loves, and lovers, over the span of our lifetime. We're meant to dable in human emotion, make mistakes, fix them and leave them behind. We're meant to come in contact with multiple human beings at the same time or at different occasions. A golden anniversary is not living, it's a pre-funeral.

I Don't Know What I Want

The journey is fun but I'm going nowhere fast.
Today I tried to think of things that made me happy and I had a difficult time doing so.
I came up with; candles, sweets, shiny things, summer, sex and a few other tangibles.
What do I want?
I don't know.
From a man, from a friend, from a career, from life, I'm clueless.
I have no short term goals and therefore NO FOCUS.
No wonder I'm floundering. I need to figure out how I'm going to get to where I want to go.

Crush

Desire.

I blush when she catches me starring at her.
She's beautiful.
5'2 with blue eyes and mousy brown hair in a ponytail.
I lean in to catch her scent every time she comes close.

My plan is to seduce her. I'll invite her over to study sometime... I cant wait to kiss her neck.

I think she might be into me.
I've caught her starring too.

New Things

These past couple of weeks have been filled with new things. New books to read, new business opportunities and new people.

I went to Gino's restaurant with the intention of breaking up with him. Instead of running into Gino, I met a close friend of his. Apparently they have similar tastes in women. Lucky me.
He appeared to be shy or drunk because his tall friend approached me and said, "hey my friend Teddie thinks you're stunning and would like to talk to you."
After 4 drinks and half a pill of ecstasy I was willing to talk to anyone.

The first thing Teddie said was "you're very attractive, if you've been here more than once, I'll assume you've met Gino. If you have, what are you to him?"

I smiled. "We had an off and on relationship for some time but that's all done with now, I'm Tiffany, nice to meet you Teddie."

We had a lovely chat. I watched his little eyelids go slowly up and down, definitely drunk.
The end of the night came quickly and Teddie invited my friends and I over to his tall friend's house, where the after party was to take place. We talked until the sun rose, not unlike Gino and I the night we first met. Then we kissed. And I felt like I was in heaven, it was all so unexpected.

Physically, he's not exactly my type. He's fair, a little short and a tad out of shape. But the chemistry was just right. I felt like I was kissing Michael.
In the next two weeks we went out every other day and fucked after the third date, how appropriate. I was a bit drunk so I regretted the whole thing immediately afterwards, particularly because we didn't use a condom.
It was enjoyable though, he's well endowed.
Then I went out of town and didn't talk to him till I got back.

We made plans to go out to dinner. The waiter mistook me for a different woman and asked "Will it be the chicken Alfredo once again? Or would you like to try the seafood this time?" I asked Teddie why the waiter thought I was someone else. He said he'd been there a couple of days earlier with a group of people. His birthday was exactly two days earlier and I wondered if he spent it with this woman who may or may not be his spouse instead of going out with "the boys" like he said he did.
I was taken back and didn't really speak to him until I'd had a third drink, by then I'd completely forgotten. We left the restaurant and I felt much better. It wasn't the fact that he'd gone out with a woman that upset me. I just didn't feel special and I was slightly offended that he would take me to a place where he'd just been with someone else.
We went to a bar afterwards and then to my place where we were going to have a mini celebration for his late birthday. When we got to my place, he said "I think I should go home, I have to be up very early." It was barely past midnight, I asked him to stay, but he refused. Feeling rejected, I ate the small cake for two and went to a restaurant for some deep fried carbs, yum.
Some patrons of the restaurant befriended me, and still puzzled about Teddie's behavior earlier in the evening I asked for some advice.
An older gay man shoved me into reality.
"Maybe he's married or maybe he really had to work early, but either way darling it's strange that he's dating a girl over a decade younger than him when he should be thinking about marriage and babies. He's just lookin' for a good time hun."


I was having a bad Sunday. My roommate was being a bitch and I had a lot of tedious loathsome work to do. Between arguing and storming off to work, I decided to call Teddie, big mistake.
It was a week before my period and I'm always ultra sensitive and emotional during this time, thanks to the pill. At the moment I felt angry and I needed someone to offload it on.
I left a message on his phone telling him I had a few questions. He called me back almost immediately, said he thought I needed advice of some sort.
I assaulted him with a barrage of questions, some concerning his relationship status but mostly accusing him of being a dirty slut that whored around with filthy women. Then I hung up.
I felt horrible afterwards and called him later to apologize. He said "It's only been two weeks and at this point I owe you nothing but respect. When you hung up I felt badly and tried to think of what I could've done to avoid causing you pain. I don't want the responsibility of making you sad."
I was touched but felt even worse, I knew there were some valid concerns in the questions I asked but my anger was totally disproportionate to the situation.

"This happens every month" I tried to explain, "my hormones just get a little crazy and it's difficult to control my emotions."
But I don't think he believed me. I haven't spoken to him in over a week.

*sigh*
Well, I had fun, I suppose that's most important.
In another week it will all be a few collective memories of just another guy.

Maybe my relationships are doomed from the beginning because in this new quest for "love" I've come to expect perfection.
Or I was testing him because I didn't expect it to last.



Marco sent me an email the other day:


HI TIFFANY
HOW ARE YOU I STILL KEEP IN TOUCH WITH YOU HOW
ARE YOU DOING I WANT TO LET YOU KNOW THAT YOU ALWAYS
CROSS MY HEART FOR SOME REASON I ALWAYS LOOK AT YOUR
PIC AND YOU ARE ALWAYS BEAUTIFUL TO ME IN MY HEART
LETS KEEP IN TOUCH RIGHT KNOW I AM FLYING IN AND OUT
OF SAN DIEGO AND GOING TO AUSTIN I AM BUILDING HOMES
THERE, SO LETS KEEP IN TOUCH, I GUESS WHEN WE MET I WAS
GOING THROUGH TOO MANY THINGS.

CIAO,
MARCO WITH MUCH LOVE

I didn't reply.

It's SO Over

I feel like a different person when I'm with Gino. Almost as if I'm trying to be someone I'm not. Someone I desire to be. Very polite, considerate and submissive. A daughter my Mother would be proud of.

I no longer want to be her.
I want to shine brilliantly with unbriddled sensuality and deviant behavior-like I used to. I feel way too safe with him. I yearn to throw all caution to the wind again. Truely experience life, raw energy and passion.

It's so over.
We're both different now. We still don't talk but I noticed a condom missing from his 3-pack box. When I brought up the issue, he said it rolled under the couch, the box did. That's where he found it. And that's where the missing rubber must be.

I'm far from stupid. Before excusing myself from his house I said "Listen, if you're seeing someone else I really don't mind but I'm not going to compete for your attention."
Once more he reassured me, and still, I don't believe a word of it. You see I trust my instincts completely. And they tell me he's a stinking liar.
After 3 breakups and makeups I can't help but wonder what he thinks when I stop calling him for two months and text him saying I want to fuck, what goes through his mind?
Does he think I'm crazy, a nympho, confused, exciting? I do wonder.
I think I'm crazy.

At least he didn't break my heart again. The pieces are too many to put back together. This reunion was brought about solely from my need to fuck. Thank God I don't feel like I need him this time.
It's over.

Michael.

Michael said he loved me 6 times last night. I believe him. And even though I replied with the obligatory "I love you too," I just can't let myself get lost in him again.

As it is right now, I'm a conquest for him. He says he'll never be as happy with anyone else as he once was with me. I believe that's too naive a thought for such an intelligent boy. A boy is what he is which adds to my nonverbal displeasure with him. I'm simply not attracted to boys anymore.

Aside from my relationships I feel much calmer. And very much like myself. I'm entering two private business ventures, city life and the quaint restaurants around my house are irresistible. And I turned 22 last week. I'm satisfied with this present situation as a launching pad for my future.

Lately under introspection, I've began to notice my pessimistic nature. How I never see good coming out of any situation. I anticipate the most horrifying outcomes; which can be a little scary. And this fear forces me to do my absolute best. But it can't possibly be good for my health. Being scared all the time is stressful! I suppose my perfectionism is the underlying cause of it all. Feeling my actual self isn't good enough for anyone, including myself.

Office Sex

It was like a porno flick, but much better because I was in it.

Last night I worked well into the evening.
He called me into his office around 10 pm.

"Com'ere" He said, then he pulled me close to him and pressed his lips against mine.
He's a wonderful kisser.
I fall in love with good kissers.

"So where do you want to be when I put my tongue in your clit? In my chair or in the waiting room couch?"
"MmmmMMm" I had no preference.

"Ok, the floor then, lie down."
He kissed me again and placed me on the floor, with my back against the rough carpet.
He gave me a tongue bath. His toungue danced around my lips, going in and out, then in again, gently sucking on my clit making me come over and over and over again till I was dripping wet.
I was ready for him.

We fucked on the floor of his office and it ended as suddenly as it started.

As days turned into weeks, and weeks into months, my boss never followed through with his promise. When I did bring it up he tried to dodge the issue then accused me of treating him like a John. Since that conversation we've been cordial and maintain a strict proffessional relationship. He still tries to get in my pants, but I made up a boyfriend so he has backed off.

Love is Overrated

I think I have a gift, I can make men fall in love with me. After a single date and a long conversation, I become their fairytale. But I'm not a manipulative person, it all happens before I realize what I've done. What a wonderful... curse.

It's been over two months since I began to write this entry and everything has changed between Gino and I.

Gino's birthday came and went. I called him very early, sang happy birthday on his voicemail. Later when he called me back, he said he had no plans for the entire day and that his friends may be too busy to take him out for his birthday. I was delighted, I ran out and bought him a bottle of champagne and a bumpy cake for two. But he never called me back, so I ate his cake and drank his champagne. When he did call, he fed me some bullshit about not wanting the spotlight on him and that he ended up staying home, alone.

A few weeks later, I ended all the madness. Somewhere between our power struggles and his inability to communicate, I gave up. A month ago I sent him a text saying "I don't think this is going to work out, it's been fun." Then I realized what a coward I was and how pissed off I would be if someone did the same to me. So I called him up and apologized profusely.

Things were never quite the same after that, he dove into his "work" and I began to hit the nightclubs frequently. I ran into an acquaintance of his at one of these clubs. I got the feeling he wanted to date me simply because I was dating Gino. So we went out for a nice dinner, he took me shopping and hasn't called me for three weeks, which does not concern me. The man cried the last time I saw him, I imagine he has a lot of "personal" issues.

Anyway I've continued dating, and I'm having a ball. I'm through with longing for someone whose heart is fenced and wired. My love/lust for Gino was never going to be reciprocated, and I finally realized that. His work was his love.
My theory on my attraction to Gino is this; It was refreshing for me to encounter someone that wasn't completely enthralled by me, at first it was a challenge I gladly accepted. But it quickly turned into intense desire, because it is human nature to want what one cannot have. Then it turned into resentment because the things I did for him and my presence in general was not being appreciated. And finally, apathy. But still I'm a hopeful person, if he called me I would maintain a cordial tone.
It's been weeks since I devoted this much thought to him.

I feel a fresh start has opened up its arms to me, I've started a new job and moved to a new house.

I've also been propositioned by a man I work with. It began at the end of a business day, the coworkers and I went out for a drink, which quickly turned into 8. Only one of us drove, so at the end of the night(4 a.m.) the rest of us were dropped back at the office lot where our cars awaited. This man and I went back into the office, I'm not sure what for, I wasn't lucid at the time. Before I could blink, he told me he was willing to pay me $5,000 to fuck him. Taken aback, I blushed a bit and said
"My my, is this how you approach women? This is insulting."
"$10,000" he said.
I proceeded to rebuke him for attempting to solicit me. His offer hit $20,000.
Then I consented.
After a little sucking and fucking, I asked him if his offer was for real. He said he would take care of me completely, as long as I promised to be his, and his alone.

"So are you mine?" He asked.
"I'm yours."

He's not just any man, he's my boss.

Bittersweet

Just as I was silently praising Alex for his ability to take a hint, he texts me,
twice. Something or the other about vacationing abroad and missing me.
That seems to be the theme of this month, I can no longer stand hearing my name and "I miss you" in the same sentence. I wish he'd leave me alone. I could have ignored the texts, but I texted back saying we should meet for coffee next week. We're going to have a chat about the demise of our relationship and I'm going to treat it like a bullet to the head, quick and painless.

I hung out with a very old friend of mine, PJ. He's best friends with Lucky and a raving coke head(not that it matters, just wanted to throw that out there). We spent the majority of the night talking about his recent ex. I saw pictures, the woman is stunning. But she tried very hard to change him, and was more like an emmasculating mother than a girlfriend. Anyway, somehow the conversation landed on me. He reflected on our friendship and how he felt he could always be himself with me. I told him I had a boyfriend so he wouldn't jump my bones, he can be quite the seductive devil. He said something about wanting to take things to another level, if I didn't have a boyfriend. Oy Vey! Soon I won't have any platonic male friends and then what will I do. We fooled around, he did lovely things with his tongue then I went home.


I'm in love with a man who doesn't express his emotions for he fears I'm a restless ghost.
And I have no doubt he would sacrifice my heart to save his own without thinking twice.
So we continue this painstaking dance,
him holding back and me falling in deeply,
careful not to step on each other's toes.
I hope this song will end soon. I'm so sick of dancing.

Infatuation

It's hard for me to concentrate at times because I'm thinking of him, or how his dick fills me up completely to the point I'm in pain, but the good sort of pain that feels 100 times better the second after it has occurred. mmmmm
Because I have a rather healthy sexual appetite, we have sex as often as possible. His performance is always impressive, so much so that I'm tempted to ask how many women he's been with. Not that it matters, I'm just curious to know. We don't talk about that sort of thing like our pasts, we don't talk very much at all.

I'm developing an obsession, mostly because I'm unsure of his intentions towards me. I'm accustomed to men chasing me and clearly demonstrating their interest in me. Gino does neither, I feel like I'm begging for his attention every time I call him.
But I've got what I want, he's back in my life. Yes, the sex is phenomenal, but everything else is different. He doesn't trust me, he doesn't open up to me or give me any insight into him like he used to. He's holding back, perhaps he feels I won't stick around for long, after all it took me two months to gather up the balls to call him. We haven't talked about the circumstances surrounding the break up. Should I bring it up or wait for him to? I don't want to seem insecure by dredging up the past, but if we don't learn from our mistakes aren't we doomed to repeat them?

I saw Michael this past weekend. He had been asking me to visit him at school, so I did. He showed me around town and we had a lovely time. That is, until the underground posh bar he insisted we visit. After three glasses of champagne and two shots of tequila, Michael pleaded...
"Tiff, I never thought that our relationship would end, I always assumed you'd fill a void in some part of my life. I cannot explain to you how much I miss you, you will always be my girl."
I promptly excused myself from our table and ran to the bathroom to place a call to a friend. I ended up leaving a frantic message on her voicemail; "OH MY GOD! Michael wants to get back together! I came out here just to visit him and have a few drinks, but the way he's talking I'm expecting him to drop on one knee and propose! Call me back NOW!"
I got very sick immediately afterwards and I don't remember a thing, apparently he practically carried me back to his place where I threw up in his bed and on his floor, oops. In the morning after I woke up in his clothes he took me home and kissed me goodbye. Michael thinks I don't remember the conversation we had, and I'm glad for that.

Careful Careful

"Ring Ring Ring"
His phone rang thrice and cut to voicemail.
"Hello Gino, It's Tiff. Long time no see. Listen, I know that you have a busy schedule and I shouldn't have pestered you for not calling frequently. But I miss you. Call me back, let's talk."

Not 5 minutes later he called me.
"I miss you too, when can I see you?"
"I'll stop by right now"

I'm falling for him all over again.
It is not safe to love him so much. Of the few men I've fallen in love with, he is the most impulsive and likely to break my heart. But that's a risk I'm willing to take. I'll trade a broken heart for a few blissful moments, with him.

He hasn't called me in a few days. But I'm so busy that I simply don't care. And I know it's his way of "slowing" us down.

Lucky called me at 1:30 am last night, what a horny bastard. He'll have a heart attack when I tell him I'm dating Gino again.

Horrible Whore

I'm struggling with my feelings for Alex. Rather, why I don't have any feelings for him. He's good looking, successful and very accommodating. I should be all over him but yet, I find his baby talk and mushy gestures hard to stomach. I would make a horrible whore. And a good sugar baby would tend well to the man that could pamper her best. But is my discomfort worth it? Alex expects to talk to me at least 3 times a day and see me as often as possible. We haven't done anything more than heavy petting, mostly because he's intimidated by me (go figure) and he simply isn't very assertive. He is the exact opposite of the sort of man I go for. After reading this short article a while back, I thought I was an abandaholic.
Some of it may ring true but the fact is Alex and I have no chemistry unless there's lots of alcohol involved.
The man drains me mentally, he has no college education and sometimes doesn't understand words I say. Mama always told me "NEVER date a man without a college education, it will never work." She's absolutely right. Now that my goals have changed, I understand that Alex would make a wonderful sugardaddy but a horrendous boyfriend. He's too needy and tries unbelievably hard to appear "nice", which makes me wonder what he's hiding. When he talks about his previous relationships, he makes himself look like the victim, which I refuse to believe. Thirdly, he treats waitresses and other service people like complete shit. And you know what they say, you can tell the way a man's going to treat you by the way he asks for the check. Alex yells and snaps his fingers.

There's another speed bump in the road to Tiffany's happiness. Immediately before I began dating Gino, a good friend of mine told me he's had strong feelings for me for some time. Upon hearing this I was a little shocked but mostly amused.
Lucky is my dearest male friend he's the ultra-hip, laidback open minded European that I tend to fall for. Well, I was quite inebriated at the time and ended up giving his beautiful cock the best blowjob I think I have ever given. He calls me regularly, as he is a good friend, but I feel he's attempting to initiate round 2.
So if things don't work out the way I would like them to, there's always Lucky. He's actually quite successful and closer to my age than anyone I've dated in a while but he's looking to start a family and I'm... not.

Lately I've been thinking about Gino a lot. I won't send him a gift(too desperate) but I will call him sometime in the near future. I miss him just as much now, as I did a month ago. I miss his nose, and smile and face... I miss his voice and touch... and God I miss the way he ate my pussy, I could tell he loved me when he tongued me down. Visions of our sweat drenched bodies slamming against one another pop into my mind at the strangest times; when I'm eating, while I'm flirting with my professor. I just can't seem to get him out of my mind. It was the safety that did it, the way I felt comforted just by knowing he was there. There must be a reason I'm still thinking about a guy I broke up with two months ago and I'm determined to find out, but will my need for instant gratification(and a good fuck) take precedence over common sense?

Why can't I have all three? Alex for his big wallet, Lucky for his big dick and Gino for his big heart?

Or a nice thick vibrator.

Apologies

I had to disable my site for a few days after a nosy co-worker stumbled upon it. My apologies! I'm on my way out to a lunch date with Alex. He is growing on me gradually, this I am happy about because he is truly a good person. Although there are instances when I detect bullshit during our conversations and he tends to treat service people like crap, other than that, no complaints. I will delve into my concerns at a later time, gotta run!

Road Kill

Now I really know what it feels like to kill another living being.

I didn't see him until it was too late,
perched on the very edge of the dampened sidewalk,
poised to make a dash accross the street.
Determined to survive.

I exclaimed.
My car swerved left, then right.
And that's when I heard it,
the sickening crunch of his little bones being crushed beneath my tire.
I think it was his head.
A tear drop. Poor squirrel never had a chance.

Alex

"So, when do I meet your Mother?"
I almost choked on my filet mignon.
Alex was eager to make the acquaintance of my family after just a few weeks. I suppose it's a good thing because it shows that his intentions are pure. But as I sat there imagining the look on my Mother's face after introducing her to my 46 year old boyfriend, I burst into laughter. "What's so funny? Won't she like me?" Alex asked nervously.
I replied reassuringly, "Of course she will darling."
It's not as if she has a choice. My Mother pays little attention to my romantic life, after all I am a woman and it is none of her business.

My relationship with Alex is progressing at a steady pace, we've wined and dined at wonderful restaurants and have a generally lovely time all without sex involved; I haven't engaged in such a courtship since I was in highschool! He no longer irritates me(as much) because I try to calm his insecurities with soothing responses and compliment him on a regular basis, he appears to be more secure. He's great company although he seems quite eager to take things to the next level, physically. Frankly, I'm surprised he has resisted jumping my bones for this long.

Sometimes I wonder if that's what this is to him; a tryst with a 21 year old is great locker room material. How serious is he about me? I know I'm quite mature and a great catch but what does a 46 year old man want with a 21 year old?
I've come to the realization that I'm not interested in short term flings with filthy rich men. I'm much more interested in a satisfying long term relationship with someone I can grow to love. As a girlfriend I am extremely loyal and dedicated to my partner, the hard part is finding someone who deserves my trust.
From time to time he does mention future plans with me in mind which can slightly startle someone who has been terrified of commitment for most of her life. I also get the feeling he never settles for less than absolutely gorgeous women. Not to say that I'm devastatingly good looking, but the way he goes on, I have no doubt that I am.


PS: I know I would be a complete idiot for sending Gino a gift on his birthday, but the situation was a little more complicated than I let on. We had sex on a friday afternoon and the very same evening his bestfriend saw me out on the town with a couple of male friends and must have reported this to him. He didn't call me for a couple of days because he was testing me, trying to gage how much I liked him by my reaction.

I know this because I used to do the same thing and when I asked him bluntly he could not reply without stuttering. The last time I spoke to him he was still upset that I "made him stoop to calling me with his number blocked like some sort of highschool kid." In short I bruised his ego but I think he was scared that he felt so strongly for me after just a couple of weeks especially with the memories of his past failed relationships still fresh in his mind. Gino wasn't ready to make any sort of commitments to me, not even a phone call.

I was never needy in any way and I don't feel I did anything wrong therefore my conscience is clear. But it's hard for me to let this one go because the instant safety and peace I felt with him was incomparable. Even though he's a handful I can't help but wonder if he thinks about me, or if I was just another notch on his belt. Perhaps it's simply a case of me wanting what I can't have.

Back on Track

For the past couple of weeks I have been dating Alex, who happens to be the nicest, most thoughtful and giving individual I have ever met. Problem is, I can't stand him. The first week of nonstop phone calls was tolerable, he bought me a small but very considerate gift without me asking and I really appreciated it. Especially after dating Gino who thought the entire world revolved around him; dating someone who doesn't have their own personal interest in mind at all times is a pleasant change.

Come to think of it, I do tend to gravitate towards arrogant, stubborn alpha males. Bad boys. There's something about young reckless wealthy men that I simply can't resist; add an admirable physique and I fall in love. I could never turn down such a challenge, having a strong uncompromising man cave in to my every whim and desire gives me an intense high.

Lately I've been thinking of Gino, a lot. His slanted brown eyes and full red lips... sigh
Today I got it into my head to send him a Harry and David gift on his birthday which is in a month. I flipped through the catalogue, picked a lovely basket and set the date in my PDA. My irrational impulse to contact him may be pre-menstrual hormones kicking in; I truly hope it is unless I'm about to make a complete fool of myself.
So here I am, yearning to kiss the lips of a man who never returned my calls. While the efforts of another, who seems perfect for me, goes unnoticed.

The truth of the matter is that Alex is a 46 year old man with three children(one minor) who has been married three times. Talk about baggage. He's also discussed his most recent relationship with me, in depth. Apparently he broke up 3 months ago with a victoria's secret model look a like who used him up and ended up getting back together with her ex husband, who works for the mob. So he has nothing, after three divorces and a sugarbaby he's drained. But, he's a resilient fellow, he "does well but wants to be rich" and has no doubt he will be in a matter of time. We'll see.

In addition to his emotionally unstable relationship history, he does many things that bug the hell out of me. The most irritating is that he texts me 20 times a day with mushy shit like "I can't get you out of my mind, I can hardly wait to see you again". While I am a romantic at heart, I am not touchy-feely in any way. Giving each other nicknames and saying I love at every opportunity makes my stomach churn.
I feel if I'm truly in love, I do not need to over-extend myself by being mushy. He's also very needy, the other day he noted that I never give him any compliments. Usually, I date confident men who do not need their egos stroked, he does. He seems to be in need of my assurance at times and he fishes for responses from me on a regular basis, that in itself is quite annoying.
Usually I just tell him what he wants to hear because he seems like not only an excellent sugar daddy but a potential boyfriend as well. I really do enjoy his company when he's not irritating me.
But how do I foster this relationship without exposing my displeasure? Should I cut down the time we spend together or just hold my tongue? Patience is not a virtue that I encompass, this must be remedied immediately.
If not, I will be surprised if it lasts more than two months.

Unrequited Love

After Gino and I had sex for the first time, he didn't call me for two days following. When he finally called me I didn't pick up, he left a message and had this playful tone in his voice that seriously irritated me, because I felt used and rejected at the time. And he continued to call me for the remainder of the day; I didn't answer any of his calls. The next day he called me and blocked his number. I don't usually pick up my blocked calls but I did that day and boy do I regret it.
He asked me why I wasn't answering his calls, told me he was sorry for not calling and that he missed me. He also said he thought that I was overreacting to the entire situation.
Overreacting? I just fucked a man and he didn't call me for two days! I was pissed off.
We ended up getting together, I was still upset and told him so. To which he replied "Well, I don't know what to say, your temper is very intimidating." I didn't drag the matter out any longer, I was eager to put the bullshit behind us and move on. When we parted I was under the impression that everything was peaches.
Apparently not, he hasn't called me since.

I cannot help but chastize myself for once again falling in love with the wrong type of man. I seem to be attracted to emotionally unavailable men. I knew going in that Gino was guarded and a bit sensitive from being hurt in the past. But yet I charged on, wanting to show him how wonderful love can be and hoping for a change of heart. The truth of the matter is that he is not ready for a relationship. I have cried for the many possibilities of our love and the loss of what I thought was a great connection. Now I'm over it.

If I had the chance to speak to Gino once more I would say:
"I'm grateful for making your acquaintance and I do hope the feeling is mutual. We've shared many laughs and pleasures, even though this is ending quite differently than we both imagined. I hope that when you think of me you can smile and wonder how I am doing.
I wish you good luck in life and in love. I'm sure you'll be more successful than you can possibly imagine."

"Candy" by Mian Mian

On a lighter note, I've just finished reading "Candy" by Mian Mian. An excellent book for anybody who enjoys unpretentious real literature, very refreshing. Here's an excerpt that hit close to home for me and my experiences with big city nightlife:
"When the music is empty enough that I can put myself inside it, taking it in on every level, and the air is charged with electricity, I can achieve a dream state, and like a dream, there are no words to describe it. The music is moving me; I don't need to move on my own. Sometimes the moon appears in the room, bringing this news: all the news that terrifies me to the depths of my soul, all the people who make me their clown. We will never be parted; we will always be this perfect, this complete....
I like clubs best in the early morning because all of the boring people have gone and only the truly boring people are still there. Chinese and laowai, phony artists and real ones, prostitutes, local slackers, dumb-ass white-collar types. It doesn't matter who they are; it's too late, and none of the men are likely to pick up a woman, and none of the women are likely to pick up a guy. Nobody is going to pick anybody up; they're all fucked. A few cold rays of early-morning light pierces the room, and we sway inside the music. Everyone has a language that belongs to his own body. After-hours is the most real time of all."

Dirty Fingernails

I am in love with a man I have known for two and a half weeks. He is tall, beautiful and an incredible kisser. I can't stop thinking about him. Gino owns a restaurant, he's 6'3 and an ex professional baseball player. The first time we met, we spent the entire weekend alone and cuddled. Since then, I have had more contact with him and more of a understanding of who he is. He is so considerate, compassionate and caring. When we're together, money is the furthest thing from my mind, it just feels so right. I can see myself with this man for a long time and I think he feels the same about me. But I've only known the guy for two weeks so I'm trying to take it as slow as my over complicated psyche will allow..

A friend told me
"If you find someone you're passionate about and you can accept their faults then that's love."

BIG NEWS, I got another job! One that I actually enjoy and pays better than most of the jobs I've had. A big plus is that I come in contact with well to do men on a daily basis and it is in a industry that I hope to master.
I went out with Emir sometime ago, before Gino. We met at a mutually convenient location, a gas station. It was a Sunday night so we had very few options to choose from but finally settled on a local nightclub. As the night progressed, certain things about him rubbed me the wrong way, primarily his sleazy part french part Italian accent and the way my name rolled sloppily off his tongue. After the bar we went to a hole in the wall restaurant to sober up before heading home and during our late night snack I glanced at his hands and blanched. There was a layer of black dirt under his fingernails! I immediately lost my appetite; I looked at my watch and suggested we get going. Once he dropped me off at my car, I sped off in the opposite direction and have been ignoring his calls since.

Catching Up

I do so hate to go for so long without writing! Once more, my busy schedule has taken precedence.
I have officially ended my online sugar daddy search, profiles have been taken down, email addresses erased and identities destroyed.
I'm also in the process of setting up shoots with several photographers, my newest ambition is to be a new face in Perfect 10 Magazine although they seem to adore Russian women willing to spread their legs in a shot. I should like to become a super model and auction off my used underwear. It's been over a year since I participated in a photoshoot and I feel completely novice to the industry but I should end up with some quality shots for my portfolio, so I'm looking forward to it. Afterwards I will send the best(conservative) shots to a variety of matchmakers including Millionaire's Club, has anyone had any luck through matchmaking agencies? I wonder.

Last weekend I went to one of the hottest night clubs in the area. It's known for its french cuisine during the day and the rich pockets that fill its bar at night. I went with 6 girls and 1 male friend, we arrived at the valet in a Cadillac Escalade ready to dance the night away.
A little trouble at the door was the result of the two underage girls in our company, nothing a little cash under the table couldn't settle.

Then I met Emir, the first young man to buy me a drink that night. He couldn't take his eyes off my cleavage, thanks to my crushed velvet bustier-styled top. I knew he had money, he smelled wonderful and I recognized his Armani get up from my most recent trip to the mall. We chit chatted about the usual as he exchanged sly looks with his two friends, who were also seated at our reserved table. By the time we departed, I knew what sort of car he drove, that he owned an auto shop, car lot and numerous vacant properties, and his marital status(separated). Usually, a night like this would be a complete bust in my book, but because I expected nothing it was a great success. Emir and I have plans to go out next weekend.


Some have asked why a bright young thing such as myself would pursue a sugar daddy relationship.
It's not that I'm lazy, I'm actually quite ambitious. I have an interest in everything and anything but I lack direction.
More than anything I desire never to "work".
Work.
The word paralyzes my entire body and sends shivers into the deepest corners of my soul...
Work.
It's the reason I stop showing up after being hired a week earlier.
To perform a repetitious task, a mentally numbing thankless job. It isn't me. It isn't life.
And therefore I vow to do everything in my power to avoid this thing called work.

Money not only talks, but it screams these days. I'm here, willing and ready. Ready to cash in on my youth and all that comes with it. I feel a little redundancy when I have to explain my point of view. Often I myself ponder the logic of my thoughts but I just exist and there is no logical explanation for my train of thought. Logic is relative to the individual, as with everything else in life.

A friend flew down to visit with me during the holidays. We attended a bash in the burbs and there she met a disgustingly rich fellow who has bought her jewelry and will fly her back out here in a couple of weeks to visit with him. Although she went much farther him than I'd have gone after just meeting someone for the first time, I can't help but wonder, why do I have such shitty luck? Is there something in particular I should change to draw in the right men?
I also met someone at the party. While I had a good time and "made him feel better than he's felt in years"(no sex involved) he ended up being her guy's flunky, ie: total waste of time.