Current Events

He called me last weekend. Gino did.
My phone rang, and it was a number I thought I recognized.

"Hello"
"Hi... its Gino, I'm just calling to say hi."
Calling to say hi after two months? I thought.
I wondered if his call had anything to do with his friend Teddie who was helping me with a new start up business.
"Hello there, I wasn't expecting to ever hear from you..." I cautiously replied.
"Are you in one of your 'I hate Gino' moods" he asked in a teasing tone.
"I don't hate you I'm just kind of... indifferent towards you at this point." I had to put him in his place.
He was taken aback. "Wow, I was expecting you to be polite."
"I think I am being polite, just being honest."
I relented and had a polite conversation with Gino regarding his current events and mine.
Then he said he had to run off to watch the end of some game.
He concluded the same way he began, "I was just calling to say hi..."
"Hi back" I replied, and hung up.
I'm stumped as to why he could be calling me now, unless of course he misses me. How sweet.

Things with MM and I have hit a rough patch. He invited me and a friend to an event and the entire time he was trying to set her up with an acquaintance of his. I was under the impression that he wanted to get closer to me by meeting my friends. Instead, it seemed that was a ploy to round up fresh meat for his "good old buddy."
I felt uneasy and we left as soon as the event concluded.
After a day of ignoring his calls we finally spoke. It was a very typical fight, with me being passive aggressive and him refusing to apologize. He had to leave town shortly after and I won't be seeing him for a week or so.
I think we've had a good run and it's time for us both to move on. But right now would not be a good time to end things as I believe he is in need of my company. So, I'll plan on ending things early next year. In the meantime, I'll try to be more understanding and supportive to ensure things wrap up as neatly as possible.
The elusive virtue of patience has finally chosen me.

I called Michael because I missed him terribly and hated the way we ended. We'll be having coffee soon, I'm happy about that.

Three sometimes

It was one of those dubiously late afterparties.

I waltzed in with two friends, seeing some familiar faces I felt right at home with.

Suddenly an unfamiliar individual came to me with an unforeseen proposition.

"Hey, you're truly gorgeous, my girlfriend is bi-curious and she wants to meet you, are you interested?"

I could tell this was not the first time he made such an introduction.

His name was Dan. Short with sandy blonde hair, cocky and absolutely NOT my type.
But I was interested in meeting this girlfriend of his.
We maneuvered around the overcrowded venue and towards a private candlelit table for two.
There my eyes gazed upon a geisha.
She was Japanese and stunning. My desire for Asian women dates back to a prepubescent time in my life. Many hours spent in the library immersed in books and masturbating to them.
Don't be crass.
I can get my self off without touching myself remember?

She was inebriated at the moment we met. Chatting briefly about nonsensities I spied her checking me out and knew she was certainly interested. I exchanged numbers with her boy who expressed his intentions to ring me later.

Two days later.
Her boy does in fact ring me and we make plans to go to a strip club.
I make it known that I am not at all interested in him and I would like to be with her privately.

We meet for drinks at her apartment and departed to the club shortly thereafter.
Partially clothed women, drinks, cigars and conversation flowed unchecked. Her boy is either broke or cheap, so I pay for my share of the alcohol. We get a private lap dance from the most beautiful girl I have ever met and leave the establishment.

Back to her apartment utterly sopping with liquor. She says she wants to be a stripper. So I volunteer to be her partner, telling her we should dance together.
Perfect chance to get closer.
She smells like almonds everywhere.
I do mean everywhere.
I kiss her softly on the lips, and then her collar bone and then her neck and down her chest and the her belly button and then...
Her boy insists we move to the bedroom, my eyes are on her and I'll follow wherever she leads.
So to the bedroom where she quickly sheds her clothing and I take off her panties eager for a taste. I spy her boy getting undressed too and make a mental note of it.

Back to where we left off... To her nipples down her chest to the trail that ends at her slit.

I lick her from the bottom up, slightly parting her lips and teasing with my tongue.
The taste of almonds again, a bit stronger this time.
MMMMM. I dive in, tonguing her intensely, I watch her eyes roll into the back of her head.

"I bet lover boy never made you feel this good." I think to myself and tongue her clit again before thrusting her opening with my rigid tongue.

All the while her boy is at her other available openings, refusing to be ignored.
Then he is at mine. During this intensely sexual moment I am unable to say no but insist he put on a rubber. Which he does.

He is fucking me and I am fucking her with my tongue.

We all climax successively and suddenly the all too familiar uncomfortable knot forms in my stomach, I feel the sudden urge to leave.
Her boy reminds me that I'm drunk; this I acknowledge and end up sleeping on the couch.

The next day after a shower and a meal I realize what has happened. I was taken advantage of at a vulnerable moment.
Instead of abiding by the pre-discussed arrangement, her boy, being the opportunist that most men are jumped into our session when he should not.
Upon my epiphany I called the Japanese beauty and let her know the arrangement unabashedly.
"That was not supposed to happen" I explained, "I regret having sex with your boyfriend because I am not attracted to him, but I would like to see you again."

From my understanding, he's leaving the country soon anyway.

I've heard from her once but no more. I'm sure her boy keeps a tight leash on her knowing that once he is out of the picture, he will be replaced with ease. I'll keep my fingers crossed and look forward to my next rendezvous with the Japanese Princess.

What the F**k

I've written 6 unpublished posts since I last posted, bear with me darlings.

MM invited me out to dinner the other night. He had mentioned a friend who was in town that he wanted me to meet. I tried to probe into the identity of this "friend" but he remained elusive.


When I arrived at the restaurant MM behaved as if it was a meeting by chance and introduced me as an acquaintance that he "used to help but does not help anymore," at this I struggled to suppress a look of surprise. As I wasn't briefed and had no idea what to expect, I went along with it.
He went on to suggest that his friend and I go clubbing together, without him, since he wasn't into big city nightlife. Huh??
Is this his attempt to pass me on to his friend as a sugarbaby? Or just some sort of test?
I agreed to give his friend directions to wherever he may like to go, and possibly show him if he needed additional help.

He will explain the purpose of this awkward evening tonight.
I feel as though something has changed. I can't quite put my finger on it, maybe he's acquired a new sugarbaby or has reconciled with his wife... Something is awry. My temporary solution is to show him the new sex toys I've bought, and play all night.

In the meantime, I have begun to look for another sugar daddy. In the midst of my search, I got an email from Tom who stood me up because I didn't give him a number. Shall have him take me to the most expensive restaurant in town to discuss our potential mutually rewarding relationship? That would be most appropriate.

Dismissed

After holing up in my place for a while and avoiding my dear friends, I decided to book a table at a hot nightclub downtown and invite my sexy crew. The club has three floors with a different DJ on each, we spent the evening bouncing from floor to floor adjusting our gyrations to the varying beats. Sweat beaded upon our bodies as the liquor flowed freely and magazine photographers took pictures. Stealing glances at each other we laughed with delight, it was a fun evening long due.
I bumped into many familiar faces who all asked me the same question "where on earth have you been??"
"Hiding from you!" I replied each time.
Lucky was there. We still keep in touch.. or rather, I indulge him by answering his phone calls when I know he just wants to fuck me.

At the end of the night, we needed some after party trouble to get into. My tall boyishly handsome friend Shane proposed an "after-hours spot" not too far away. As we trailed him the route to the venue began to look awfully familiar. An aching knot formed in my stomach when I realized where we were headed. I called Shane immediately.
"Darling, pray may I ask what our destination is?"
Shane replied, "We're going to Gino's."
Fuck!
I thought about abandoning the crew and finding something else to do but my girlfriends were adamant about continuing this party. So we drove on.
As we parked and made it into the restaurant I spotted Teddie and Gino having a cigarette outside. Even though I knew they were friends, this moment was almost laughable. Teddie said hello and we exchanged a kiss on the cheek. When Gino moved to greet me with a kiss, I abruptly shook his hand and brushed past him into the restaurant. He was left standing with a bewildered look on his face and didn't follow me in.
Inside, we got another bottle and the party went on till the wee hours of the morning.
I ran into Gino again as I left, he was with another girl who looked like a street walker, maybe he's paying for lower-end companionship now? Who knows and who cares.

Torn

MM has been very good to me, but still I want more.. perhaps more than he can give. More sex, more passion, more money.
I don't feel like I'm running from my current "relationship" with MM, I'm trying to be very realistic by acknowledging it may not last. Maybe this is some sort of pattern though, considering ending things before it runs its full course. Despite my commitment phobia we are growing and we've even talked very briefly about marriage. Will he ask if and when he is divorced? I'm not sure, but he has thought about it. Will I say yes if he does ask? I can't say that I won't. Saying yes would be very practical, I wouldn't worry about a thing for the rest of my life, besides making him happy. But saying yes would close a door that leads to butterflies in my stomach, lust in my heart and an ache deep inside me. I don't feel these things for MM. With him I feel safe, comfortable and eager to please. When we have sex it leaves me satisfied, but not blown away and begging for more.

So I hesitate. Shall I forego what I believe may be my calling for a more acceptable role in society? Or kill this love-lust and follow my pipe dreams?

It's here so soon, another fork in the road.

Reflection

It has been over a month since things ended with Gino and my heart has stopped skipping a beat everytime I think of him. This process of letting go has been painful but I've gained a deeper understanding of myself.

I tend to put up a wall to protect myself because I'm hypersensitive in many ways. I did some independent research which reaffirmed that. All my senses are extremely sensitive.
This most recent break up shed some light on my relationships with men.
I tried to take control by fucking him out of my system.
But women tend to form emotional attachments, very much like I did.
It was inevitable. Since I was never completely over him.

Once I let someone in, it's very hard to remove them. I can even still feel their essence long after we've stopped talking. Many times I call people who say they were just about to call me. I also have the ability to take on other people's emotions. I've never shared this with anyone until last week, during an intense conversation at an ungodly hour.

I think I want to concentrate on this for a bit. Wrap my mind around it and imerge with a clearer understanding of my talents and what they're meant for.

I bought a bunch of self help books that should help me figure out a way to address and solve some of these personal issues.

Namaste

I've just come back from my first yoga class and oh my, what an experience. I don't know why I never tried it before, I've always meant to. Before I left, refreshingly light headed and sweating everywhere, I signed up for a full month.

I don't speak to Michael anymore. When last I saw him, about a month ago, he wanted to have sex with me and I could sense it. Not that I mind fucking him, it's usually a good time. What I resented was that he expected it. He knows about MM and other men I've had sex with for something tangible, he brought all my favorite things and I felt like he was trying to buy me. Needless to say I was turned off. After attempting to avoid his groping and kisses, I made some paltry excuse about seeing someone else. He took a long pause, exhaled then screamed at me "you know what?? fuck this, we might as well not see each other at all." Then he walked out and slammed the door. After I heard him drive off I locked the door behind him. Meeting MM has raised my standards and dating a horny college student simply isn't on my list of things to do.

Gino called again but I quickly put an end to things, I think my heart was ready to let go. I've always had a tremedously difficult time getting over men that I've let into my heart. But Gino's changed me in that way, to him I must say thank you for teaching me how to let go.

So I've been spending a lot of time by myself with David Deida books and classical music; reflecting on my decisions, why I've made them and what I can do to stop negative experiences from reoccuring. I've also felt really numb, not allowing myself to feel because it's painful.
I went to get a foot massage and pedicure to soothe me and as the pedicurist vigorously scrubbed my foot with a pumice stone, the lady next to me looked on with a twisted face.
"Doesn't that tickle the hell out of you?" she asked.
My pedicurist answered for me, "She doesn't feel anything." He had no idea how right he was.

Final Goodbye

I left him a message saying I would like to talk to him.
Not so much as a text back.
I wish I could believe that he hasn't called because of some big emotional struggle within himself...
But I can't.
I've just been dismissed.
And still I want to reach out and say "darling, it's really not that serious, I just wanted to address your need to play games and tell you that even though I like you more than just a friend, I have no desire for a commitment."
But I guess it was meant to be this way.
This is final.
He's said so much without saying anything at all.

I think I lied to myself by allowing my heart to supress deeper feelings for him. Eventually those feelings could not be caged in and flooded out at a vulnerable moment.
I was not prepared.

I am, afterall, a slave to my emotions.
I know to steer clear of him from now on.

Goodbye Gino.

Sincerely Anon

I will from now on refrain from writing about MM because I think he browses the web a lot and I would really hate for him to read this blog and recognize himself as one of the characters.
This decision of mine is partially thanks to the anonymous writer at The Courtesan Connection who recently had a post on her blog regarding anonymity.
So, for anonymity reasons, I've decided to withdraw my "Homewrecker" post. Sometimes I find it exciting to place tiny bites of real information hidden in my entry, it gives me a rush not unlike having sex in public. But it's not smart.

Duck Duck Goose

Sometimes, for self assessment purposes I ask my self "Am I happy?"
I feel satisfied but not completely, like there's something still missing.
I feel like shaking things up a bit and seeing where it all settles.

I had a date with Micheal on Friday night. I have always been truthful with him so I told him I was bored with our relationship. Although I feel like he's my best friend, we've hit a plateau and nothing is exciting anymore. He reacted by running outside nude, his logic being if that didn't excite or at the very least amuse me, nothing would. We were both drunk and I was amused.

On Saturday I saw Gino. It was a much anticipated evening that I had planned for the sole purpose of releasing my aggression.
I've always wanted to try BDSM, being so passive aggressive in my day to day life leaves me few opportunities to fully unleash, so when I do it can be frightening. Given our tumultuous past I decided the best way for me to get over being hurt by him(and possibly move on indefinitely) was to hurt him physically. I've thought about burning his car and house down but insurance covers that stuff and he'd upgrade. Retaining power during sexual roleplay by removing his sense of control was the second best option.
I went to his place after dinner with my family, during which we sent dirty texts back and forth. I gave him instructions to take a shower and be naked in his bed when I got there. And he was. I started kissing the droplets at the base of his neck and worked my way down, until I reach the plump crease at the base of his spine. The oh so lovely ass I've always admired. I spread his cheeks and dove in, rimming and darting my tongue in and out. It wasn't as bad as I thought it would be. But certainly not my favorite thing to do. I knew it would make his head spin and that was my motivation.
Once done, I bound his hands together with a black silk scarf.
"Turn over" I demanded. And he did.
I kissed his forehead, then his lips to give him a taste of his own ass.
I grabbed his nipples tightly and proceeded to give his the best blow job of his life. Alternating my lips on his dick with my finger in his ass I circled round and round until he moaned "I'm coming!". Then I took him all the way into my mouth and past my throat. I felt him come hard. My job was done. I asked if I could spend the night and left promptly at 7am.
Next time won't be so tame. I have all sorts of delicious pain in mind for him. He enjoyed being tied up so my assumption is that he will be open to more intense bdsm.

I suppose it's a possiblility that intimacy without deviances makes me uncomfortable. I can't maintain a straight relationship with Gino. I'm always thinking of more exciting sexual adventures to delve into with him. Maybe I'm just attracted to him sexually, because if there was an emotional bond I would want him to want me... Things are slightly confusing at the moment. Hormones perhaps? I'll write about him at a more lucid moment.

Kept Man

I think I've truly found what I was looking for.
The commitment and love I was searching about for, I gave to me.
I am committed to school, work, my career and my happiness. I love myself too and I feel much more comfortable in my skin. It's funny how this happens periodically, I search then I find and become more of myself. I love it. I don't need a man. I need money from a man and sex(sometimes) from a man. But a physical, emotional or psychological comfort is no longer a need. I feel so free and independent, as I should.
I went to see Johnny Depp in The Libertine the other night and absolutely adored it. I was delighted by the concept of a man who lived life completely on his own terms, of course there were consequences for his actions but what a life. I wonder in the end, if he had any regrets. Would you rather have a long safe and boring life or a teeth clenching, heart stopping roller coaster ride? I suppose regardless of the paths we choose, we'll always have our what ifs.


It seems I may be developing a drinking problem, almost every time I partake in the consumption of liquor I can never stop myself. So I have decided to drink only one day a week. Before I go out, "Three drink limit" I'll say to myself, but never abide. Bad things happen when I'm drunk. Well, not bad but not smart either.
Like calling Gino.
Yada yada yada, you know how it went. I called him, we made plans to get together, he called me two hours after he was supposed to be home. I met up with him anyway and we had great sex as usual. He slept downstairs, I slept upstairs. Whatever. I wanted him, now I have him. For the moment anyway, que sera.


My mother found the receipt for a book about escorting that I had ordered online, after I made the mistake of cleaning out my purse at her house. I do not live with her nor do I receive an allowance from her, nevertheless she has taken it upon herself to run my life. She was furious when she confronted me, waving the paper in my face and scowling. "What is this?" She asked, trying to maintain control of herself.
"It's just research" I replied, "I'm not actually planning to become an escort, just an avenue I was kind of considering..."
Then she threw a tantrum, accusing me of having no conscience for considering such a "filthy" occupation and made idle threats, hoping this verbal assault would be enough to dissuade me. I love my Mother dearly but refuse to let her alter my plans. I reassured her I had taken no steps to become a pro(which is mostly true) and she's backed off a bit.


While getting a manicure last week I couldn't help over hearing a conversation taking place. It was between an older couple in their early 60's. The wife said "I'm paying for your pedicure dear, you're a kept man."
The husband replied with laughter.
Isn't that cute? I thought it was.

La Dee Da

Tess came to visit me at my new place since I did her the same favor. She came in on a Thursday so we had spa visits and lunched until the weekend hit. On Saturday we went club hopping. We started off at an urban bar then hit up a couple of posh spots, at which we were introduced to the owners, finally we ended up at Gino's restaurant.
It was not my intention to go there, in fact I made an effort to avoid it but a mutual friend was having a bash there afterhours and it simply could not be avoided.
Since it was very late in the morning I figured we would not run into him, he's not a big fan of the partying crowd.
We sashayed in, straight to the bathroom for some girl talk, then to my friend Evan's table, who was throwing the party. Sure the bar was closed to the public, but we got a bottle of champagne once we sat down.
The door opens, and as I glance at it, Gino walks in and catches my glimpse. He smiles and makes a beeline towards us. "Oh, God" I cringed inwardly.
"I wasn't expecting to see you here tonight." I said.
"Fine, then I'll leave" he said.
He must have heard the not so great things I've said about him.
"No don't, sit with us, how have you been? Have you met Tess?"

Of course he had, Tess' friend Rob introduced me to Gino over a year ago.
During the course of our conversation and mingling I got completely smashed.
Someone suggested we have a threesome, Tess, Gino and I.
But since Tess had a thing for Gino's best friend, I suggested we invite him; to curb the awkwardness of a threesome with an ex who I kind of despise.

We went to another afterhours venue and then Gino's house. He was probably expecting a full on orgy but I got sick in his bathroom. Once I recovered, we all sat down and had an intelligent conversation regarding race relations in the U.S., conspiracy theories and the direction of our careers. All in all, a great night/morning and in my book great conversation comes second to none. At around 8am I laid next to Gino and took a nap, only to be woken up by Tess two hours later, demanding we leave.
Once I got up to leave Gino pulled on my hand beckoning me to stay with him and put my other hand on his dick.
"Darling I would love to" I said, "but I really have to go".
With that, I bounded down the stairs to meet Tess at the car. We then drove back to may place, split a bottle of wine and went to bed for the entire day.

The torture started again, countless thoughts of Gino kept running through my mind, I had to have him. After working with a friend who casually mentioned him, I yearned to feel his body against mine. So I called him, actually I texted him. And he texted back. For the next 20 minutes a text-conversation ensued. I told him I wanted to fuck him. To which he replied that he would like to get sucked but not fucked. Feeling utterly rejected I turned my car around (I was headed towards his restaurant). I explained to him that I couldn't give him what he wanted because I was horny too. Then laid in bed and fell into a restless sex-deprived slumber.
Bastard!
It was just going to be sex. I don't want anything else from him.
My every material want has been satisfied and I could always call Michael for a genuine emotional connection, but Gino, I just wanted to have for one night and that was it.



Tess is indeed a high-end escort and has asked me to work with her on a part time basis. She comes from a lower middle class family, we met at a nightclub four years ago and have been friends ever since. The girl seems to think in order to get anything substantial from a man, she needs to give all of herself. This simply isn't so. So she has no standard of man she's trying to attract, she never says no and has all the crass habits she grew up with hindering her. Which becomes the end result of a very pretty girl with no class. Stripper material. Sometimes I just want to scream at her; RESPECT YOURSELF, OTHERWISE NO ONE ELSE WILL!
Last week I told her I wouldn't mind doing duos with her as long as I got to pick the client, structure the rate and the deal. She agreed. This can't be worse than searching for a sugar daddy. Besides, if our "work" is anything like the weekend at Earl's, I'll love it.



It is a possibility that MM may be falling for me. I know... completely utterly insane but true. The last time he was over, he inquired about my past relationships, asking how many men I've been with and other very third date questions. I told him what he wanted to hear.
He had mentioned introducing me to his family a while back, but this evening he specifically mentioned that he would set me up for an introduction with his Mother. Inside was a feeling half disbelief half sheer terror, but outwardly nonchalantly cool. If he was serious I'm sure I could handle meeting his Mother. But outside of the perfect arrangement we now have, I dare not drift. Deviating would make this a full blown relationship which I DO NOT wish to have. I will attempt to put a stop put to this madness.

PS: For those who inquired, I would not mind a bit if I was his wife and he "cheated" on me, I would like to know about it but I wouldn't discourage it, we all need variety every now and then. I plan to be a swinger when I'm married anyway, monogamy has never worked for me.

MEN

They want women who are submissive to them in public. Women who make them look good and would never "bad mouth" or "talk back" within earshot of anyone
But when no one is looking... they want a woman to string them up by the neck and use them. Completely. Till there's nothing left.

They want a woman to turn them inside out sexually and emotionally. I can't count the number of times a man has asked me to "get rough" with him. And I've obliged. The scratch marks, bite indentations and bruises I've left are testament to my brutality.

I love control.

And I do suppose life is a series of power struggles. You could give into "fate" or "destiny" and choose not to struggle.
But what fun is that?
Without the illusion of control in most situations, life would not be worth living.

Is that truly what differentiates man from all species? Our desire to control everything around us.

Good Times

The trip was a whirlwind of deviances..
We took a cab to her condo, secluded amongst the dewy tropical brush. The night was warm and moist, beads of moisture formed on every exposed surface of my skin. If it weren't for the cool breeze blowing in from the beach, I would have drowned in my own fluids.
Tess, undeterred by the liquid air, jumped out of the cab once it stopped.
"We're here!" she exclaimed.
In all my 22 years of living, I've never known anyone who could drag the last bit of energy out of you like Tess can.
"A friend of mine is picking us up in a sec, he's bringing a cute guy with him too, you ready?" She asked.
I took that as my cue to freshen up and throw on a hot outfit.

The bar we went to was unimpressive, it reminded me of the dive bars at home. One of the boys(hardly cute and much too young) offered to buy me a drink. I responded as politely as I could, "Thank you for the offer but I don't drink liqour out of plastic cups."
We left the grungy college bar, ditching our dates and flagging down a cab.

We arrived at the doorstep of a testament to architecture, a structure composed mostly of glass and partially in commercial grade cement. The owner of the home, Earl, paid our cabfare and showed us around his humble abode. It sat directly on the beach with a wrap around pool hugging it.
He offered us an ecstasy pill.
We obliged.
Then we sat in the jacuzzi, drinking champagne and waiting for our roll to kick in.
And it did.
He slid me onto his lap and began to finger me slowly at first then harder, jamming his hand against my body until I came. Hard. While starring at Tess playing with her nipples and moaning softly.
Then we went upstairs to seek out softer padding suitable for a party of three. Later on in the evening, he invited another girl-friend to join us.
Earl was an investment banker who spent most of his time in Europe. At 5'8 with a stocky build and receeding hairline, his looks were not what kept the pretty girls knocking on his door. It was the drugs and money, which he tactfully placed in our purses before we left his place 48 hours later. Of course he paid for it, in full.



I haven't seen MM in a few weeks, but that is the norm. These long periods apart make it easier to bear his company.
I do not want to fall in love.

If I start comparing other men to him or getting lost in thoughts about him, I would certainly cut things off (after locating come other means of financial support, of course). The problem is we have great chemistry, the kind that cannot be faked and I could fuck him all day long if given the opportunity. I feel there is a reason we met. The reason itself is still unclear to me, but it will show itself in due time - like all things do.

He comes back into town a week from now, and I am eagerly anticipating the visit.
All these feelings are very real to me but I have questioned the source. Meaning, if money was not a factor would I still be with him? It's a complicated question.

I'm an all or nothing sort of person. If I can't get everything I need from one man, I will leave him and find someone better suited for me. So back to the question. I would certainly date him, even consider him a potential life mate; If he was as successful as he is now.
If he were Joe Schmoe with only a bachelors degree from some mediocre college and lofty dreams, I would pass. But who can say for certain, what would or could have been? When all is said and done, a big heart is much more important to me than a big wallet.



How do I feel about his wife?

I am the temporary girlfriend.
The provider of pleasure, the source of lustful desire.
I wait patiently for his phone call. And we get together, make a passionate exchange then move on. Until the next sexcapade.

I do not expect this to last and that is fine.
As an intense commitment-phobe, uncertainty has been the downfall of my relationships; not knowing where it would go. The uncertainty of it all jarred my nerves, causing me to drop my suitor instantly. At least then I know where it would all go. Nowhere. I caused the end.

This isn't supposed to last, his marriage on the other hand, is.
Our time together is his escape from the pressures, obligations and overwhelming demands of his job and wife. I'm happy to supply that.. for the right price.

I'm always ready for the end. I wasn't promised stability.
I save up and am currently looking for a backup Sugar Daddy for additional security.
Because I have none.
There you have it, I'm not so much different from a call girl.

It's Official

As I sit alone in my luxury apartment with fresh paint and new carpet, I can say this for certain; I am no longer a wannabe. The married man (MM) has kept his promise by setting me up in a new place. I am now awaiting a new car, also promised to me.
The road to the perfect sugardaddy for me has been bumpy but I feel so calm and settled now that I can say he was worth the wait.

I've been so very busy with moving... and procrastination that I haven't had time to fit all these little bits of news into a post.
I see MM every other week or so but I enjoy the time we do spend together, he's great in bed and had his dick been 2 inches longer, he would make me purr. His only request is that I not have an "arrangement" with anyone else.
Can do. For the moment anyway.

I ran into Gino three weeks ago. Or rather, he ambushed me at work and insisted I tag along to some after party his friend was hosting. I obliged. After a few months apart the all too familiar breathlessness from being near him resumed. I played it cool though, practically making him beg for my company. I teased him during the drive to the party, caressing his leg and locking eyes then looking away coyly. Surely his grand gesture must mean he wants to be mine.

We arrived then rushed off to a secluded room. With a couple of shots of vodka coursing through my veins I felt bold. I jumped onto his lap, sliding my body up against his then quickly descending.
"Hey, I liked the way you felt against me, sit on my lap again."
So I indulged him.
He leaned in for a kiss. I backed away.
"What's wrong?" He asked.
"I just don't know about you."
Then I kissed him.

We ended up back at his place where I spent the night.
The next week after this accidental night, there was an incident involving myself, a group of mutual friends and a pile of cocaine during which I learned Gino had a girlfriend. What a bastard. I haven't spoken to him since. He popped up at work again and I ignored him.

I soon will be visiting Tess, an old (she's actually 21) highschool friend of mine at a far away tropical location, I've already gotten my ticket. I suspect she's escorting. You see, she's always been the girl with all the nice things, poor parents and a crappy house but lucked out with rich boyfriends. I spoke to her regarding the new locale.
She said "it's beautiful, all we do is party and make tons of money."
I was curious and therefore inquired, "How do you make money out there?"
"I'm an airflight attendant, I told you remember?"
Of course I did, but I wondered if her occupation would change overnight.
The uneasiness in her voice gave her away, that and she's only up after 3pm. She's also sent me some nudes which made me hot but confirmed my suspicions. I'm looking forward to visiting her and having an absolute blast, the girl is a good time with legs.

Michael and I see each other from time to time, whenever I need something from him. But he was supposed to help me move and flaked out last minute so I refuse to return his calls. Why bother, he didn't even get me my boots for Christmas and now I'm forced to shell out the dough for them myself. He says he'll make it up to me during Valentine's day but I'm not holding my breath.

I'm very excited about the upcoming weekend. I'll be in Detroit for the superbowl!!! So will massive amounts of well-to-do men, and I will be on the look out for "supplemental income," wish me luck darlings! I'll be working for the most part, doing the busy-body work of a junior associate. Missed you all, will post again soon once the internet and all that is wired up in my place.

Santa's Coming

When I look into my past Gino is still the only man I would conider having a future with. I think about him from time to time, but I deleted his number from my cell just incase I got the itch again. I've been invited by a mutual friend to a party at his restaurant, I won't be attending.
I saw Teddie at a bar downtown last weekend. Once his eyes caught mine he ran up to give me a great big hug like we were long lost friends. During our embrace, the familiar heat of an oncoming blush ran up my neck and to my cheeks. I excused myself and freshened up in the girls room. Teddie and I engaged in "catch up" chat when I got back. He complimented me and I reciprocated while staring at the gray in his beard. Then he left. I'm still trying to figure out what I saw in him in the first place. Oh yes... the kiss.
Yesterday I spent time with Michael. He catered to my every whim as usual then asked what I wanted for Christmas, to which I replied "Please get me the Ugg Uptowns in chocolate, they're only $180." And flashed him a big smile.
"Ok, I can handle that" he said, "but what will I get in return?"
I've had this idea for some time and when I presented it to him, I knew it was the right gift.
"I'll do a nude photoshoot with your name painted on me in chinese characters. Would you like that?" I asked coyly.
Clever me.
Then I fucked him like there was no love in my heart, only lust. I fucked him like he was a stranger. And it was mindblowing.
I suppose I wouldn't be such a bad whore after all.

The married man is quite taken with me, he emails me and calls frequently. He's also given me money and gifts.
Good thing I want to accost him, otherwise his generosity would be mistaken as desperation. I don't plan on dishing out the goods until at least the third date. Like I read on millionaire's club, you have to make him wait a while and fall in love with you before you fuck him. When he's paying all your bills and giving an allowance, sex is permissible. Although this isn't a conventional courtship, I am treating it as such. I never call him and I wait at least 24 hours to reply his emails.
In another life I may have considered dating the guy. Minus the wife and boring corporate job, he really is perfect for me. I try to be a little cold and distant but I could really lose my head over this one, if allowed.
Even though I appreciate the money and gifts, it's his smile I really love seeing. I'm planning something special to show my appreciation(and turn him on a bit), I hope he likes it.

More Like it

I recently went out with a man. He's tall, handsome and very married. For some time before we met, my comfort level of dating someone who can never be mine wavered. But now that I'm no longer looking for love(I haven't given up yet), I think he's perfect for me.
We met at a higher end chow spot and I was running late as usual. Finally I got to our table in the corner, quiet and reserved. When he stood to greet me I was a bit intimidated, he has a dominating presence. But the domination ends there, he's sweet, considerate(almost to a fault) and very generous. Maybe it was his laid back poise that did it, but from the time I came till the time we departed I wanted to jump his bones. I wonder if he could tell how horny I was for him. True I haven't had sex in a while but it wasn't just that. It was his unassuming simplicity that made me soaking wet. That and his voice that could melt butter. I wanted to kiss the head of his dick, run my tongue down the shaft and suck gently on his balls (I've been reading Teenage Lolita's blog, I guess her explicitness has rubbed off on me?).

I couldn't stop the dirty movie in my head from playing over and over again. So I concentrated on my food.


My online search is coming along nicely, I've met four men so far, the married one included. Two from the sugardaddy site and one from the swingers site.

The first potential was is his 50s, we didn't talk much but we had a nice lunch at a restaurant I've been meaning to try. He was handsome so I wouldn't mind sex with him but there was absolutely no chemistry. *crickets* seemed like the appropriate background for our date.

Potential number two, let's call him The Groper. We had a decent meal but it was immediately after lunch with potential #1 so I wasn't hungry, and the restaurant he chose wasn't of my taste either. He said he was in his 30s, but he was at least 40 and balding, the conversation was entertaining enough though. All was well until it came time to depart, he walked me to my car and tried to kiss me on the lips! Yuck! I told him I didn't kiss on the first date. He made a baby face, smacked my ass and said "see ya later babe." What a turn off. He's called me multiple times since then and I've dodged the bullet. I may succumb if he bribes me with the date from heaven and of course we'll have to talk about keeping our hands to ourselves.

Potential number three, let's call him Jack (because he looked like a lumber jack). We met at a low key spot and had a long conversation. He has a pessimistic nature which rubbed me the wrong way. He's also presumptuous and thought he knew eveything about me on sight. Even so, I was willing to put all of that aside and be a positive spotlight in his life. We made arrangements for a second date. He cancelled on me twice and called weeks later to apologize with some lame ass excuse. So sorry, no longer interested.

After avoiding Marco's sappy emails, I gave in and sent him my number. He called me and tried to initiate the same relationship we had last year. I told him he was unrealistic and I was too tired for phone sex and mind games. Trying to sway my mind with empty promises of cars, shopping and vacations won't work anymore. I know he and his family are bloody rich but I'm sick of him insulting my intelligence by assuming I'll put up with his shit for a carrot dangled in front of my face. Enough is enough. Unless he sends me a tangible token of appreciation, he's cancelled.

Nice Girls Don't Get Rich

This search for "love" has clouded my judgment and distracted me from my initial purpose, money. It looks as though I'm taking the serious gold digger route. So what?
I'm extremely tired and a bit hardened, but after much consideration I concluded I would rather be spoiled and heartless than broke and in love. Broke is a harsh word because I hit my parents up for money constantly. What I mean is I'll no longer give it up in the name of love.
Love, for me, does not exist right now. Yes I date mostly wealthy, accomplished men but marrying one of them would be a horrendous mistake. Even a serious relationship might be too much for me, I just have too many personal issues to sort out first.
Perhaps I wanted someone to give me what Michael refused to, commitment. And I felt subconsciously that a commitment was the only thing missing from my life that would make it complete.
When I look back on my most recent trysts I can't even see their faces, I hardly remember their names, all I remember is the feeling of being completely lost in someone else. Still I get cravings for men that I would long to have once more. But no more feelings of emptiness or something missing, because now I have a better idea of what I want.

I ran into Gino's best friend the other day, his name is J. There's a big event coming up and he hired me for a project he's running at the event. I've met J once before but he doesn't recall. It was a sunny summer day when Gino and I went for a drive, as we drove back into the subdivision(they live in extremely close proximity) we saw J walking his dog and stopped to say hello.
Our collaboration thus far has been peppered with questions about Gino, the regular "how did you meet?" and "When did you last see him?" But I suspect it will get more personal as time passes.
As I never forget faces, I never forgot J. Even though I fantasize about ripping his clothes off during our business meetings, I would never ever make the mistake of sleeping with a boss/colleage/anyone I work with again. Lesson learned.

I've been spending more time with Michael on a weekly basis and I've realized that when I look back on this past year, with its potential boyfriends and sugardaddies, ours is the only relationship left standing. I took it for granted when it was convenient to, but no more. I appreciate this wonderful human being and best friend I am lucky to have. Perhaps we will get married one day and perhaps not, but no matter what he will always be there, and that's all that matters to me right now.

Even though I said I was done with my online search, I have recently joined four(count them, 4) online dating sites.
One just for sugardaddies and sugarbabies
One geared towards swingers
and two particularly for extramarital affairs.
(From a strictly analytical point of view, a woman who wants no commitment and as much freedom as possible should join a site for extramarital affairs. These men are willing to spend much more for so little because of their insufferable wives or large sexual appetites or both.)

I'm having loads of fun simply corresponding with men from each site and observing their oddities, it's fascinating. The consesus seems to be that the more money you have, the more psychologically fucked up you're apt to be, go figure.
My goal for this new online pursuit is a shopping spree and at least one vacation.

A Lost Post

I wrote this entry before the August 31st entry, but apparently forgot to post it.

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August 8th, 2005

I made the mistake of contacting Gino.

Well it wasn't completely intentional.

A friend had a party at his restaurant and I texted him from our table. I pretty much felt obligated to say hello, since we were at his place.
So I did.

He was at a table with two girls that looked like street walkers. I know he's opening up a strip club so I assumed they were new employees. Until one of them whispered in his ear and asked him for something, to which he said "no". To me it looked as if they had an intimate relationship, maybe I was wrong. She bounced up against him and begged for whatever it was that she wanted. He said "no" once more.
Then he saw me.
He stood up and gave me a big hug.
"Hey Tiff, you look absolutely gorgeous! How have you been?"
"I've been great! Just started a new job and..."
His companion interrupted "Can we go to Boston, pleeeaaasseee?!"
Boston is the name of his new restaurant, apparently she wanted to go.
"No" he said calmly and resturned to our conversation.
"Well the other restaurant is open now and I've been working like dog, I've been here since 8am."
"That's nuts" I said, "don't work too hard, I just came to say hi."
He gave me another bear hug.
"Give me a call later"
"Later?" I asked, it was 1 in the morning.
"You know what I mean."
"Ok, I'll give you a call when I get back into town." My flight to New York was leaving later that morning and I had no intention of calling him.
"Cool, and stop by Boston whenever you get a chance."
"I'll do that" I had no intention of stopping by.
Then I walked back to my table.
Although brief, the encounter reaffirmed my feelings for him, and I haven't been able to get him out of my head since. I was doing so well!! I'm a bit disappointed at myself, I thought I was completely over him but I guess not. Since we stopped dating things have gotten a bit messy. For one, a friend of mine came into town and had her way with a few of Gino's good friends. Now I'm forever linked to that and I wonder if the story has been exaggerated and worse if I've been associated with the entire fiasco. Then there's that guy I dated, who took me out just because I was seeing Gino, sometimes I wonder if Gino heard I was dating that guy and decided not to call for that reason.
In either case I'm day dreaming about him way too much again, the way he finger fucks my ass when I'm about to come...
I even thought about cruising the parking lot of his restaurant to see if his car was there. Am I turning into a stalker?

I want to taste myself all over his mouth and kiss my scent off his lips.
I'm noticing a trend. I crave him when I'm not having sex with anyone else.
I have a self destructive addictive personality. I tend to push my limits and develop unhealthy vices. Like Gino.

Perhaps we were meant to have many loves, and lovers, over the span of our lifetime. We're meant to dable in human emotion, make mistakes, fix them and leave them behind. We're meant to come in contact with multiple human beings at the same time or at different occasions. A golden anniversary is not living, it's a pre-funeral.

I Don't Know What I Want

The journey is fun but I'm going nowhere fast.
Today I tried to think of things that made me happy and I had a difficult time doing so.
I came up with; candles, sweets, shiny things, summer, sex and a few other tangibles.
What do I want?
I don't know.
From a man, from a friend, from a career, from life, I'm clueless.
I have no short term goals and therefore NO FOCUS.
No wonder I'm floundering. I need to figure out how I'm going to get to where I want to go.