The Ballet

So you ask, what happened to Jeffrey?

We arrived early enough to have dinner nearby. Interestingly enough, he invited his uncle and several couples to keep us company. As if he was avoiding one on one time with me. During the ballet he was a bit awkward, something I did not expect in the least. Jeffrey has the reputation of Casanova. He is known for bedding hard to attain women. But based on his actions that evening I think his bark is much worse than his bite. After the ballet we spent time with mutual friends and it could have become one of his raging rockstar fests but I left before the the hammer dropped.

I haven't heard from him since the ballet but I am kept fully abreast, by mutual friends, of his escapades. I am also completely confident that he will reach out in due time because I'm that girl he's never had. Even though he's taking a back seat, he will always want what he can't have.

I sense that Jeffrey, although bright and powerful in his own way, has an inferiority complex, this moment of time in his life is about coveting and capturing beautiful things. Beautiful models with no personality, beautiful artwork with no story or past. He covets aesthetic artistic perfection. He embraces cliches that meet his standards. He expects the best and nothing contradicts his opinion.

There is no depth, no intrinsic je ne sais quoi quality that causes me to lose my breath.

Jeffrey is all about money, what everything looks like and what everything costs. It bores me terribly. I prefer captains of industry that take life on as a challenge. As a game. Men that think anything is possible and create their own reality with each step. I feel that is lacking from the "privileged" men I meet. Though I refer to myself as privileged, I have never had a trust. But I know people who don't know any other lifestyle and they are always miserable. It's very interesting, I don't think money makes life more fulfilling.

It forces you to shrink people and situations, count favors and tally debts until you feel you've been compensated. I now feel the more money you have the more concern you have for people taking it from you. What a waste of time. I'd much rather be full of life and adventure, be a trailblazer, making my own way, living life as I saw fit and bearing the brunt of it all than living a life of nickle and dimes, how about you?

Facebook

I've recently registered for facebook, join me HERE.

I'm looking forward to interacting with all you babies, you can never have too many friends ;)

Off topic:
Hugh Hefner's "Girl's Next Door" is my most recent guilty pleasure. I can only imagine the sorts of treats these girls must get to indulge in, first class travel, new cars (in hugh's name of course), fabulous parties with celebrities. Though the perks are divine I do wonder how much their allowance is, do they even get one? One of the girls works for hugh as a scrap booker and makes "$10 an hour."  I'm sure.

Q & A - I'm Not Sexually Attracted to Him

ANON SUGARBABY:
I'm a graduate student with sights set on medical school (24y/o.) I'm seriously considering becoming a sugar and would appreciate any advice you would have. Especially dealing with sex. I'm probably not going to be passionately attracted to my SD (we've emailed a few times) and want to know if you've been in the same situation and how you've dealt with it.


He has also made it quite clear that he would like this to be more of a dating with extra goodies rather than a purely sexual relationship.


Also, while I love shopping, gifts, etc (which he is offering ) I would also like an allowance for the purpose of paying for medical school applications, paying off my car. . .boring stuff. Dorky I know, but I want to have fun and be practical.


Thoughts? Hugs, XXX


TIFF:
I completely understand your predicament.  I was in a long term relationship with a man who became sexually unappealing to me over time, I call him MM on my blog.  He was my first Daddy and in the beginning it was all new and exciting, but once the novelty wore off I began to loathe spending time with him.  I suggest you focus on what you like about him, this got me through a few difficult months.  Some don't mind being intimate with someone they're not into, they put on a show then forget about him as soon as he's gone.

I decided to end it eventually, the allowance and gifts weren't worth the unhappiness I felt.
I'm not sure what will work for you, but you won't know until you give it a shot.

About the gifts.  Since he's willing to spend a certain amount on items for you, why not ask him for a gift card?  He can pick one up at any mall or convenience store and you can spend it on whatever you wish.

Have you met him?  How do you know you won't be sexually attracted to him?  Attraction for women depends on much more than looks, things like humor, charm and chivalry turn us on.  You may be pleasantly surprised.

Good Luck,
Tiff

Jeffrey

*Ring* *Ring*

After just having lunch with Pencil Boy (which I bought myself), I figured it must be him calling to relay the sweet nothings he couldn't get off his mind.

"Yes darling?" I answered.
"Well hello there, aren't you in a happy mood" a raspy, over-confident voice responded.
"Ah, hello Jeffrey, I'm always happy to hear from you, how are you?"
"I'll be much better once I see you, what are your plans for Friday?"
It was Monday, he was calling a full 5 days in advance to be sure I would be his on Friday night. This was over-zealous behavior for Jeffrey. Appearing effortless was his game.

"Nothing so far, what did you have in mind darling?"
"Well.. partying like rock stars, what else?"
I laughed, "I'll see you Friday then" and hung up.

While I am interested in seeing him and slightly amused by his eagerness, binging the night away doesn't sound like the greatest time. I'll have to coax him into taking it easy. This much is certain though, whatever we do, it'll be a night to remember. Game on.

Things I Miss

Hope you all enjoy the new trimmings, felt like I needed a bit of a face lift plus my archives work now :)

Earlier this year I decided to put the sugar lifestyle behind me. Feeling completely jaded after dating the Asshole of the Century (from now on referred to as AC). Peter, as in Peter Pan was my next foray into exclusivity. What a mistake that was.

For all the talk of abandoning the sugar lifestyle I really do miss it. I miss the all expenses paid vacations to exotic five star resorts. I miss the tuna tartar, jewelry for no reason and his visa with my name on it. Beer and fried food is not my idea of a good date.

Is it not possible to be a go-getter career woman and still be embraced by Chanel? My problem last time was garnering the motivation to achieve career success when all my material needs and wants were pacified. I think now my maturity and personal drive has solved that problem.

Towards the conclusion of my last hunt, I fine tuned a strategy for catching sugar daddies. It wasn't intricate, on the contrary, it reigned simplicity. I call it Über-fishing; throwing out as many hooks as possible and seeing what bites. I had an ad on all the Sugar Daddy sites, I was listed in multiple personals (local&national) and I attended as many upscale events as humanly possible. Draining but ultimately, it was craigslist that bit back. Go figure.

Now that I'm re-considering, I took a look at the popular Sugar Daddy sites once more. The mere thought of exchanging countless emails with misrepresented fakes, low ballers and ungracefully aging men gives me chills. Based on my previous experiences, I think much success (and peace of mind) is to be had by freestyling. This way you can completely eliminate the email tag and gauge his sugar-providing ability once his business card is in hand. You've just got to know where to look and show up in all your fab-ness.

I have a gift that benefits me quite well, I've mastered the art of active listening. During initial conversations I listen most carefully. This enables me to pick up hints as to what he desires most. Based on his history with other women and his own admissions I can become exactly what he wants. I can also read his non verbal cues and cater my every word and action to elicit a favorable response from him. This I do automatically now, with all men.

It's proven to be an invaluable skill. On the other hand, I'm unsure of the long term implications of this sort of manipulative behavior in the context of a healthy relationship. Wouldn't it mean I'm molding myself to another's image of the perfect lover rather than being myself? That I put my own needs second to his in order to get him to open his heart and his wallet? Food for thought I suppose... I think what I've missed most is sharing my thoughts with you all.

Cat and Mouse

So, friends... it has been a while. A little over a year to be exact and everything has changed.
I will be sure to play catch up but at this moment I have something to share. A new infatuation and possibly a new love. He's reckless, unpredictable, and so bad for me. We come from similar privileged backgrounds but my parents would never approve. Which is just as well because I've decided not to even think about children and marriage until after the age of 30. Ha! A far cry from the Tiff who just wanted to "get married or live comfortably with my rich boyfriend."

Though he is rich with a trust fund and full access to the family jet, much of that is irrelevant to me. There's a je ne sais quoi quality to him, we connect. He has a wild free spirit I can wholeheartedly relate to but I'm hesitant to get involved with him. I feel that "wild, reckless" phase of my life has long past. The phase during which I slept with strangers, partied all night and slept all day was fun but I'm not so much into that lifestyle now. This time in my life is about structure and developing the necessary skills to ensure my future success, such as discipline and punctuality. A part of me feels like he would only pull me back into unproductive habits that have taken years to overcome.

Jeffrey is 35 years of age, 6 feet tall and slight in stature. He is disarming (arrogant when inebriated) with a boyish smile, blond hair and hazel eyes. He has been bestowed with the tacky moniker of "Hugh Hefner junior," but... his attitude and presence is like a fucking magnet, I can't help being attracted. Is this wise? He has no idea I feel this way about him. I've gone out of my way to be that unattainable woman. Giving him shit everytime he leaves himself open and using my wit to taunt him. I've become such a challenge that I've unknowingly initiated an intense chase. It's cat and mouse, he wants what he wants. A man accustomed to everything falling into his lap always wants what is most unattainable. When we last spoke, he asked me "What are you looking for in a man?" To which I responded "What makes you think I'm looking?"

A truthful answer, which has provoked his curiosity, quickened his pace and leaves me in the involuntary position of the pursued... Shall I run or shall I succumb to him? If I'm to be his conquest perhaps he should be mine, wouldn't it be interesting if he fell in love with me along the way? After all, I can never turn down a good chase.

Q & A - The Subject of Money

ANON SUGARBABY:
I found your blog and it's really amusing even exciting reading.
I recently joined a seeking arrangement site but being next to this type of arrangement I have no idea how to start talking /discussing the financial help you might expect.
I always think it makes you seem like a gold digger or so which I am not cause I have my own business and take care of myself now.
but you can always use some more right?!
it seems that once men start talking to you, you end up chatting and they want to meet you but there is no word about making any agreement.....
I met a wealthy men last weekend who I liked and he likes me but spending the night he pushed himself to much on me en we ended up having sex which was totally not what I wanted to do, I could relate to your story with the geisha lady.anyway there was no talk about an agreement
I was all messed up.I don't know...

I you might have some advice for me that would be great.


TIFF:
That's a very good question. There's no perfect/easy way to bring up the topic of money, but if that's what you need then you must state that.

First off, try to get a feel for how generous he will be by the places he takes you to and how well he tips. Next make sure you're into him and he's into you, take your time here, go on a few dates if you need to. Finally when you feel the time is right (basically you both click and he wants you sexually) bring up the topic by saying he's wonderful and you like him a lot but you have certain needs as well. When he asks the you about your needs, let him know you don't want to come off a certain way (gold digger, etc) but you could use some financial help.

If he's not experienced with being a sugar daddy ask him for help with big ticket items like rent, tuition, etc. Then see what he says and go from there. You never know, he might have had an arrangement in the past and might even suggest it. If he's not interested then move on, if he is you've got your daddy. Do NOT ever get drunk and become unable to control yourself. A lot of these older gentlemen are very well versed in the art of seduction and you will be seduced if you let it happen. Meet in public, do not go to his place after dinner even if he has some fabulous antique he wants you to see, that is bait. You can kiss and fool around, but NO sex (oral included) until he begins to help you. Capice?

Hope this helps,
Tiff

PS: You haven't really messed up with your guy unless he's some player on the prowl. You were drunk and he took advantage of that but don't let it happen again, still inform him of your needs during a romantic dinner and see what he says. Even if he says he will help, do not go back to his place unless he has handed you some "help" during dinner. It's all about action not words.


ANON SUGARBABY:
thanks for this information it is a good guideline on how to phrase your needs.
I met also another man who lives in my country, busy businessmen blalbla and I have the view that because they have met you on such a dating site that it seems to be ok to just sleep with you at once instead of going into the normal dating routine but of course they wouldn't want to date a prostitute.
Luckily this man immediately was open for an arrangement and I walked out with a nice envelop....will see him again also.

For the other man, I think we are slowly getting there, he is very sexual so most of the conversations on the phone are about sex but I made it clear that I don't want to be the one just giving the best of me and not getting anything in return so that leaded to the big arrangement question.
then he asked me if I had a budget in mind???how to say that??I could say a certain amount while he had more in his mind or less, so I could lose out some extra cash....
I was planning to say when he asks again what do you think I am worth to you? Is that a good idea?
pfff this dating is difficult but I think when you have a few established relationships it can be great!!


TIFF:
Don't say "what am I worth to you," you need to tell him what you think you're worth. In my opinion, you should ask for an amount that covers all your monthly bills, including rent and leaves you with enough cash for two spa trips. If he can't afford it he will let you know that and you can go from there.

**********************************************************************************

Fast Forward

If someone would have told me this sugar baby saga would last more than 4 years, I would have shrieked and called them a liar. But here we are, almost half a decade since my first post and the quest for a wealthy man is still a theme in my life.
At this point in time I've been with my current lover/sugar daddy/boyfriend for almost two years. We've discussed all the particulars that any two people in a serious relationship would discuss; babies, marriage, the future. We are quite comfortable. He has taken very good care of me financially with a monthly allowance, expensive gifts, trips and shopping. Until recently...
I will not delve deeply into this subject but as of late, he has not had the means to pacify me. This puts me in an awkward position.

I know I need help, particularly because of a new venture I have decided to undertake. I feel I must seek intellectual, financial and even perhaps emotional support elsewhere. The hunt has once more beckoned me. The sweet thrill of the chase, the uncertainty and even the shady individuals. I suppose one could say I actually miss it, the sugar daddy hunt.
There have been many a time in the last two years I encountered a fellow with the means to be my "patron," but I would throw away their business card or give them the wrong number because love always prevails. Right?

I'm not so sure at the moment. I think love is fickle, it comes and goes as it pleases. When I'm in his arms, in the throes of passion I surrender completely. I let his love seep to the core of me where it coats my insides and I am at peace.
Because we don't see each other regularly this love starts to dissipate, I forget what he looks like, begin to miss him and then resent him for making me miss him. It is madness.
In recent days I've yearned to experience independence such as I felt while with MM. Support without love involved. Perhaps all this love is exhausting and I just want to breathe and be me again without being tied to him.

Or perhaps it's just stress and this restless feeling too will fade with time. I hope that is the case because life without him would be washed out and boring. But in order to entertain myself, I shall keep my eyes open and reintroduce myself to the more formal ways of finding a sugar daddy.

Freestyling: Going to upscale establishments (gyms, restaurants, coffee shops) and events (fundraisers, art shows, sporting events) in order to meet a successful gentleman.

Online dating: Creating personal profiles online that include flattering pictures and detail what you're looking for.

Traditional personals: Creating newspaper/online based text ads that briefly describe you and the type of relationship you're looking for.

Stay tuned.

J

Upon receiving (and publishing) an abundance of... interesting comments, I've decided to dust off a few unpublished posts. The following was written early last summer. Enjoy :)

----------------------------------------------------------------------------------------

A man whom I am not at all into is on his way over.
He's well traveled, polite and generous but other traits of his turn me off. We've known each other for quite some time but only recently has he been honest about his "true feelings." He told me he's fancied me, for as long as we've known one another.

After dating another man whose success I admired but personality I tolerated, I refuse to do it again. Though he is accomplished, I don't feel a thing for him sexually. Thank god for the 20th century. In another era I may have been persuaded to consider him as a potential spouse!

Under normal circumstances I would take his profession of lust-love as a delusion and laugh it off. But it's different this time. He's my sister's ex boyfriend. One she has dated casually but nevertheless an ex. Is this off-limits territory, or am I allowed to indulge regardless of his close relationship with my sibling?
It makes me uncomfortable.
I cant help thinking of her lips on him when I kiss him, and he's a skilled kisser.
Can you imagine the distraction?
I think since my attraction to him is quite minimal and taking the discretions listed above into account, I shall move on. But first inform him of the reasons for my dismissal so as to avoid hurt feeling and burning bridges in the process.

Oh my

It has been over six months since I last blogged. What was once so comforting seems strange and unfamiliar now, even the blogger layout has changed!
I will try to catch up, starting from the oldest memories to the newest :)

I'm happy to be back.

The Cynic

"The cynic knows the price of everything and the value of nothing." - Oscar Wilde

Napoleon.
He was short with blonde hair and blue eyes.
I made the mistake of assuming he was generous, because he bought me a ticket to a fundraiser without knowing my name.
Little did I know, he loves the thrill of meeting a stranger.
I met him on a popular sex site, from what I heard it was bursting with potential sugar daddies and I was itching to try it out.
He was my first date.
He didn't think I would show up.
I wore a flimsy demure top with no bra and little jewelry.
He wore a custom fitted suit, the price of which I knew before our first date.
The first indicator.

I wasn't attracted to him at first as I prefer tall men.
But as the evening prolonged he became more attractive by the second.
He was articulate, intelligent and yes attractive in the conventional sense.
We went for drinks at a swanky cigar bar after the fundraiser, during which I made no mention of my financial needs. I had decided before hand that tonight was about getting to know the man not his wallet. My need for financial aid was minimal at the time therefore chemistry was of the utmost importance.
During our conversations prior to meeting he had dropped varying prices. The cost of his suit, the price of his maid service and other items he had managed to attain at a steal.
Indicative of a cynic.
He seemed controlling but I'm not quick to judge, I wanted to give him a chance to prove me wrong though my instincts are usually dead on and I trust them completely. Besides, he was extremely sensual I wanted to see how good he was in bed.

The night ended and we parted ways with a kiss on the cheek to keep him wanting more.

Round two
We met at a popular restaurant.
Despite a reservation and it being a weekday we waited for a table.
Napoleon announced he would order for us "if I didn't mind" before cracking open the menu, no wonder he was single. Rarely have I met a man more controlling than this. Yet I indulged him, and observed even closer. I could sense he had the dying need to make all decisions, but held himself in check. Afterall, he needed to impress me to have any chance of getting in my pants that night.
So we had shared an appetizer he preferred and an entree as well. Luckily I wasn't particularly hungry and feigned enthusiasm upon tasting each dish (they certainly would not have been my choice). He offered to get me something else then made an excuse for why each dish I suggested was unacceptable.
Dinner was quick.
He then suggested a martini bar in my neck of the woods.
Always a step ahead, I knew he thought he might get lucky as I did meet him on a sex site.

Althought I felt we had different goals in mind, I consented to a drink or two at the martini bar.
We had fun, as I usually do once the infamous social lubricator is introduced to my system.

We laughed, we danced, we had some things in common.
It was now or never.
"Do you recall the title of my profile?" I asked.
Knowing full well it was "Sugarbaby of your dreams."
He said he did.
I asked "Have you ever had the sort of relationship I'm seeking?"
"Well.." He paused "What do you mean?"
He was playing dumb and I played right along.
"A sugarbaby is spoiled and pampered by her sugardaddy, it is a relationship of mutual benefications" I replied.
Quickly adding, my sugardaddies in the past have been extremely generous with "$XXX per month"
He looked away and the caressing stopped. I could tell he was uncomfortable and trying to think of something to say.
"I'm not particularly in need of that sort of arrangement" He replied with a pained expression. "I don't have to pay for women to be with me."
I wasn't surprised by his reaction and quickly came to my own defense "This is not a transaction of any kind, it's only that I do need some help of the financial persuasion in order to see you at leisure. Take as much time as you need to think about it and get back to me."
He said he would, but I was extremely doubtful.
We kissed deeply and parted ways once more.

I was not expecting his call, but I did receive a few texts from him.
His fantasy was for him and I to face a mirror and watch him enter me from behind. I replied with saucy texts for some time but eventually ignored the rest of his contrived enticements. It became clear to me that his idea of a "Sugarbaby" was a world apart from mine.

Current Events

He called me last weekend. Gino did.
My phone rang, and it was a number I thought I recognized.

"Hello"
"Hi... its Gino, I'm just calling to say hi."
Calling to say hi after two months? I thought.
I wondered if his call had anything to do with his friend Teddie who was helping me with a new start up business.
"Hello there, I wasn't expecting to ever hear from you..." I cautiously replied.
"Are you in one of your 'I hate Gino' moods" he asked in a teasing tone.
"I don't hate you I'm just kind of... indifferent towards you at this point." I had to put him in his place.
He was taken aback. "Wow, I was expecting you to be polite."
"I think I am being polite, just being honest."
I relented and had a polite conversation with Gino regarding his current events and mine.
Then he said he had to run off to watch the end of some game.
He concluded the same way he began, "I was just calling to say hi..."
"Hi back" I replied, and hung up.
I'm stumped as to why he could be calling me now, unless of course he misses me. How sweet.

Things with MM and I have hit a rough patch. He invited me and a friend to an event and the entire time he was trying to set her up with an acquaintance of his. I was under the impression that he wanted to get closer to me by meeting my friends. Instead, it seemed that was a ploy to round up fresh meat for his "good old buddy."
I felt uneasy and we left as soon as the event concluded.
After a day of ignoring his calls we finally spoke. It was a very typical fight, with me being passive aggressive and him refusing to apologize. He had to leave town shortly after and I won't be seeing him for a week or so.
I think we've had a good run and it's time for us both to move on. But right now would not be a good time to end things as I believe he is in need of my company. So, I'll plan on ending things early next year. In the meantime, I'll try to be more understanding and supportive to ensure things wrap up as neatly as possible.
The elusive virtue of patience has finally chosen me.

I called Michael because I missed him terribly and hated the way we ended. We'll be having coffee soon, I'm happy about that.

Three sometimes

It was one of those dubiously late afterparties.

I waltzed in with two friends, seeing some familiar faces I felt right at home with.

Suddenly an unfamiliar individual came to me with an unforeseen proposition.

"Hey, you're truly gorgeous, my girlfriend is bi-curious and she wants to meet you, are you interested?"

I could tell this was not the first time he made such an introduction.

His name was Dan. Short with sandy blonde hair, cocky and absolutely NOT my type.
But I was interested in meeting this girlfriend of his.
We maneuvered around the overcrowded venue and towards a private candlelit table for two.
There my eyes gazed upon a geisha.
She was Japanese and stunning. My desire for Asian women dates back to a prepubescent time in my life. Many hours spent in the library immersed in books and masturbating to them.
Don't be crass.
I can get my self off without touching myself remember?

She was inebriated at the moment we met. Chatting briefly about nonsensities I spied her checking me out and knew she was certainly interested. I exchanged numbers with her boy who expressed his intentions to ring me later.

Two days later.
Her boy does in fact ring me and we make plans to go to a strip club.
I make it known that I am not at all interested in him and I would like to be with her privately.

We meet for drinks at her apartment and departed to the club shortly thereafter.
Partially clothed women, drinks, cigars and conversation flowed unchecked. Her boy is either broke or cheap, so I pay for my share of the alcohol. We get a private lap dance from the most beautiful girl I have ever met and leave the establishment.

Back to her apartment utterly sopping with liquor. She says she wants to be a stripper. So I volunteer to be her partner, telling her we should dance together.
Perfect chance to get closer.
She smells like almonds everywhere.
I do mean everywhere.
I kiss her softly on the lips, and then her collar bone and then her neck and down her chest and the her belly button and then...
Her boy insists we move to the bedroom, my eyes are on her and I'll follow wherever she leads.
So to the bedroom where she quickly sheds her clothing and I take off her panties eager for a taste. I spy her boy getting undressed too and make a mental note of it.

Back to where we left off... To her nipples down her chest to the trail that ends at her slit.

I lick her from the bottom up, slightly parting her lips and teasing with my tongue.
The taste of almonds again, a bit stronger this time.
MMMMM. I dive in, tonguing her intensely, I watch her eyes roll into the back of her head.

"I bet lover boy never made you feel this good." I think to myself and tongue her clit again before thrusting her opening with my rigid tongue.

All the while her boy is at her other available openings, refusing to be ignored.
Then he is at mine. During this intensely sexual moment I am unable to say no but insist he put on a rubber. Which he does.

He is fucking me and I am fucking her with my tongue.

We all climax successively and suddenly the all too familiar uncomfortable knot forms in my stomach, I feel the sudden urge to leave.
Her boy reminds me that I'm drunk; this I acknowledge and end up sleeping on the couch.

The next day after a shower and a meal I realize what has happened. I was taken advantage of at a vulnerable moment.
Instead of abiding by the pre-discussed arrangement, her boy, being the opportunist that most men are jumped into our session when he should not.
Upon my epiphany I called the Japanese beauty and let her know the arrangement unabashedly.
"That was not supposed to happen" I explained, "I regret having sex with your boyfriend because I am not attracted to him, but I would like to see you again."

From my understanding, he's leaving the country soon anyway.

I've heard from her once but no more. I'm sure her boy keeps a tight leash on her knowing that once he is out of the picture, he will be replaced with ease. I'll keep my fingers crossed and look forward to my next rendezvous with the Japanese Princess.

What the F**k

I've written 6 unpublished posts since I last posted, bear with me darlings.

MM invited me out to dinner the other night. He had mentioned a friend who was in town that he wanted me to meet. I tried to probe into the identity of this "friend" but he remained elusive.


When I arrived at the restaurant MM behaved as if it was a meeting by chance and introduced me as an acquaintance that he "used to help but does not help anymore," at this I struggled to suppress a look of surprise. As I wasn't briefed and had no idea what to expect, I went along with it.
He went on to suggest that his friend and I go clubbing together, without him, since he wasn't into big city nightlife. Huh??
Is this his attempt to pass me on to his friend as a sugarbaby? Or just some sort of test?
I agreed to give his friend directions to wherever he may like to go, and possibly show him if he needed additional help.

He will explain the purpose of this awkward evening tonight.
I feel as though something has changed. I can't quite put my finger on it, maybe he's acquired a new sugarbaby or has reconciled with his wife... Something is awry. My temporary solution is to show him the new sex toys I've bought, and play all night.

In the meantime, I have begun to look for another sugar daddy. In the midst of my search, I got an email from Tom who stood me up because I didn't give him a number. Shall have him take me to the most expensive restaurant in town to discuss our potential mutually rewarding relationship? That would be most appropriate.

Dismissed

After holing up in my place for a while and avoiding my dear friends, I decided to book a table at a hot nightclub downtown and invite my sexy crew. The club has three floors with a different DJ on each, we spent the evening bouncing from floor to floor adjusting our gyrations to the varying beats. Sweat beaded upon our bodies as the liquor flowed freely and magazine photographers took pictures. Stealing glances at each other we laughed with delight, it was a fun evening long due.
I bumped into many familiar faces who all asked me the same question "where on earth have you been??"
"Hiding from you!" I replied each time.
Lucky was there. We still keep in touch.. or rather, I indulge him by answering his phone calls when I know he just wants to fuck me.

At the end of the night, we needed some after party trouble to get into. My tall boyishly handsome friend Shane proposed an "after-hours spot" not too far away. As we trailed him the route to the venue began to look awfully familiar. An aching knot formed in my stomach when I realized where we were headed. I called Shane immediately.
"Darling, pray may I ask what our destination is?"
Shane replied, "We're going to Gino's."
Fuck!
I thought about abandoning the crew and finding something else to do but my girlfriends were adamant about continuing this party. So we drove on.
As we parked and made it into the restaurant I spotted Teddie and Gino having a cigarette outside. Even though I knew they were friends, this moment was almost laughable. Teddie said hello and we exchanged a kiss on the cheek. When Gino moved to greet me with a kiss, I abruptly shook his hand and brushed past him into the restaurant. He was left standing with a bewildered look on his face and didn't follow me in.
Inside, we got another bottle and the party went on till the wee hours of the morning.
I ran into Gino again as I left, he was with another girl who looked like a street walker, maybe he's paying for lower-end companionship now? Who knows and who cares.

Torn

MM has been very good to me, but still I want more.. perhaps more than he can give. More sex, more passion, more money.
I don't feel like I'm running from my current "relationship" with MM, I'm trying to be very realistic by acknowledging it may not last. Maybe this is some sort of pattern though, considering ending things before it runs its full course. Despite my commitment phobia we are growing and we've even talked very briefly about marriage. Will he ask if and when he is divorced? I'm not sure, but he has thought about it. Will I say yes if he does ask? I can't say that I won't. Saying yes would be very practical, I wouldn't worry about a thing for the rest of my life, besides making him happy. But saying yes would close a door that leads to butterflies in my stomach, lust in my heart and an ache deep inside me. I don't feel these things for MM. With him I feel safe, comfortable and eager to please. When we have sex it leaves me satisfied, but not blown away and begging for more.

So I hesitate. Shall I forego what I believe may be my calling for a more acceptable role in society? Or kill this love-lust and follow my pipe dreams?

It's here so soon, another fork in the road.

Reflection

It has been over a month since things ended with Gino and my heart has stopped skipping a beat everytime I think of him. This process of letting go has been painful but I've gained a deeper understanding of myself.

I tend to put up a wall to protect myself because I'm hypersensitive in many ways. I did some independent research which reaffirmed that. All my senses are extremely sensitive.
This most recent break up shed some light on my relationships with men.
I tried to take control by fucking him out of my system.
But women tend to form emotional attachments, very much like I did.
It was inevitable. Since I was never completely over him.

Once I let someone in, it's very hard to remove them. I can even still feel their essence long after we've stopped talking. Many times I call people who say they were just about to call me. I also have the ability to take on other people's emotions. I've never shared this with anyone until last week, during an intense conversation at an ungodly hour.

I think I want to concentrate on this for a bit. Wrap my mind around it and imerge with a clearer understanding of my talents and what they're meant for.

I bought a bunch of self help books that should help me figure out a way to address and solve some of these personal issues.

Namaste

I've just come back from my first yoga class and oh my, what an experience. I don't know why I never tried it before, I've always meant to. Before I left, refreshingly light headed and sweating everywhere, I signed up for a full month.

I don't speak to Michael anymore. When last I saw him, about a month ago, he wanted to have sex with me and I could sense it. Not that I mind fucking him, it's usually a good time. What I resented was that he expected it. He knows about MM and other men I've had sex with for something tangible, he brought all my favorite things and I felt like he was trying to buy me. Needless to say I was turned off. After attempting to avoid his groping and kisses, I made some paltry excuse about seeing someone else. He took a long pause, exhaled then screamed at me "you know what?? fuck this, we might as well not see each other at all." Then he walked out and slammed the door. After I heard him drive off I locked the door behind him. Meeting MM has raised my standards and dating a horny college student simply isn't on my list of things to do.

Gino called again but I quickly put an end to things, I think my heart was ready to let go. I've always had a tremedously difficult time getting over men that I've let into my heart. But Gino's changed me in that way, to him I must say thank you for teaching me how to let go.

So I've been spending a lot of time by myself with David Deida books and classical music; reflecting on my decisions, why I've made them and what I can do to stop negative experiences from reoccuring. I've also felt really numb, not allowing myself to feel because it's painful.
I went to get a foot massage and pedicure to soothe me and as the pedicurist vigorously scrubbed my foot with a pumice stone, the lady next to me looked on with a twisted face.
"Doesn't that tickle the hell out of you?" she asked.
My pedicurist answered for me, "She doesn't feel anything." He had no idea how right he was.

Final Goodbye

I left him a message saying I would like to talk to him.
Not so much as a text back.
I wish I could believe that he hasn't called because of some big emotional struggle within himself...
But I can't.
I've just been dismissed.
And still I want to reach out and say "darling, it's really not that serious, I just wanted to address your need to play games and tell you that even though I like you more than just a friend, I have no desire for a commitment."
But I guess it was meant to be this way.
This is final.
He's said so much without saying anything at all.

I think I lied to myself by allowing my heart to supress deeper feelings for him. Eventually those feelings could not be caged in and flooded out at a vulnerable moment.
I was not prepared.

I am, afterall, a slave to my emotions.
I know to steer clear of him from now on.

Goodbye Gino.

Sincerely Anon

I will from now on refrain from writing about MM because I think he browses the web a lot and I would really hate for him to read this blog and recognize himself as one of the characters.
This decision of mine is partially thanks to the anonymous writer at The Courtesan Connection who recently had a post on her blog regarding anonymity.
So, for anonymity reasons, I've decided to withdraw my "Homewrecker" post. Sometimes I find it exciting to place tiny bites of real information hidden in my entry, it gives me a rush not unlike having sex in public. But it's not smart.