Monday, November 14, 2005

Nice Girls Don't Get Rich

This search for "love" has clouded my judgment and distracted me from my initial purpose, money. It looks as though I'm taking the serious gold digger route. So what?
I'm extremely tired and a bit hardened, but after much consideration I concluded I would rather be spoiled and heartless than broke and in love. Broke is a harsh word because I hit my parents up for money constantly. What I mean is I'll no longer give it up in the name of love.
Love, for me, does not exist right now. Yes I date mostly wealthy, accomplished men but marrying one of them would be a horrendous mistake. Even a serious relationship might be too much for me, I just have too many personal issues to sort out first.
Perhaps I wanted someone to give me what Michael refused to, commitment. And I felt subconsciously that a commitment was the only thing missing from my life that would make it complete.
When I look back on my most recent trysts I can't even see their faces, I hardly remember their names, all I remember is the feeling of being completely lost in someone else. Still I get cravings for men that I would long to have once more. But no more feelings of emptiness or something missing, because now I have a better idea of what I want.

I ran into Gino's best friend the other day, his name is J. There's a big event coming up and he hired me for a project he's running at the event. I've met J once before but he doesn't recall. It was a sunny summer day when Gino and I went for a drive, as we drove back into the subdivision(they live in extremely close proximity) we saw J walking his dog and stopped to say hello.
Our collaboration thus far has been peppered with questions about Gino, the regular "how did you meet?" and "When did you last see him?" But I suspect it will get more personal as time passes.
As I never forget faces, I never forgot J. Even though I fantasize about ripping his clothes off during our business meetings, I would never ever make the mistake of sleeping with a boss/colleage/anyone I work with again. Lesson learned.

I've been spending more time with Michael on a weekly basis and I've realized that when I look back on this past year, with its potential boyfriends and sugardaddies, ours is the only relationship left standing. I took it for granted when it was convenient to, but no more. I appreciate this wonderful human being and best friend I am lucky to have. Perhaps we will get married one day and perhaps not, but no matter what he will always be there, and that's all that matters to me right now.

Even though I said I was done with my online search, I have recently joined four(count them, 4) online dating sites.
One just for sugardaddies and sugarbabies
One geared towards swingers
and two particularly for extramarital affairs.
(From a strictly analytical point of view, a woman who wants no commitment and as much freedom as possible should join a site for extramarital affairs. These men are willing to spend much more for so little because of their insufferable wives or large sexual appetites or both.)

I'm having loads of fun simply corresponding with men from each site and observing their oddities, it's fascinating. The consesus seems to be that the more money you have, the more psychologically fucked up you're apt to be, go figure.
My goal for this new online pursuit is a shopping spree and at least one vacation.