Tuesday, September 27, 2005

New Things

3 comments
These past couple of weeks have been filled with new things. New books to read, new business opportunities and new people.

I went to Gino's restaurant with the intention of breaking up with him. Instead of running into Gino, I met a close friend of his. Apparently they have similar tastes in women. Lucky me.
He appeared to be shy or drunk because his tall friend approached me and said, "hey my friend Teddie thinks you're stunning and would like to talk to you."
After 4 drinks and half a pill of ecstasy I was willing to talk to anyone.

The first thing Teddie said was "you're very attractive, if you've been here more than once, I'll assume you've met Gino. If you have, what are you to him?"

I smiled. "We had an off and on relationship for some time but that's all done with now, I'm Tiffany, nice to meet you Teddie."

We had a lovely chat. I watched his little eyelids go slowly up and down, definitely drunk.
The end of the night came quickly and Teddie invited my friends and I over to his tall friend's house, where the after party was to take place. We talked until the sun rose, not unlike Gino and I the night we first met. Then we kissed. And I felt like I was in heaven, it was all so unexpected.

Physically, he's not exactly my type. He's fair, a little short and a tad out of shape. But the chemistry was just right. I felt like I was kissing Michael.
In the next two weeks we went out every other day and fucked after the third date, how appropriate. I was a bit drunk so I regretted the whole thing immediately afterwards, particularly because we didn't use a condom.
It was enjoyable though, he's well endowed.
Then I went out of town and didn't talk to him till I got back.

We made plans to go out to dinner. The waiter mistook me for a different woman and asked "Will it be the chicken Alfredo once again? Or would you like to try the seafood this time?" I asked Teddie why the waiter thought I was someone else. He said he'd been there a couple of days earlier with a group of people. His birthday was exactly two days earlier and I wondered if he spent it with this woman who may or may not be his spouse instead of going out with "the boys" like he said he did.
I was taken back and didn't really speak to him until I'd had a third drink, by then I'd completely forgotten. We left the restaurant and I felt much better. It wasn't the fact that he'd gone out with a woman that upset me. I just didn't feel special and I was slightly offended that he would take me to a place where he'd just been with someone else.
We went to a bar afterwards and then to my place where we were going to have a mini celebration for his late birthday. When we got to my place, he said "I think I should go home, I have to be up very early." It was barely past midnight, I asked him to stay, but he refused. Feeling rejected, I ate the small cake for two and went to a restaurant for some deep fried carbs, yum.
Some patrons of the restaurant befriended me, and still puzzled about Teddie's behavior earlier in the evening I asked for some advice.
An older gay man shoved me into reality.
"Maybe he's married or maybe he really had to work early, but either way darling it's strange that he's dating a girl over a decade younger than him when he should be thinking about marriage and babies. He's just lookin' for a good time hun."


I was having a bad Sunday. My roommate was being a bitch and I had a lot of tedious loathsome work to do. Between arguing and storming off to work, I decided to call Teddie, big mistake.
It was a week before my period and I'm always ultra sensitive and emotional during this time, thanks to the pill. At the moment I felt angry and I needed someone to offload it on.
I left a message on his phone telling him I had a few questions. He called me back almost immediately, said he thought I needed advice of some sort.
I assaulted him with a barrage of questions, some concerning his relationship status but mostly accusing him of being a dirty slut that whored around with filthy women. Then I hung up.
I felt horrible afterwards and called him later to apologize. He said "It's only been two weeks and at this point I owe you nothing but respect. When you hung up I felt badly and tried to think of what I could've done to avoid causing you pain. I don't want the responsibility of making you sad."
I was touched but felt even worse, I knew there were some valid concerns in the questions I asked but my anger was totally disproportionate to the situation.

"This happens every month" I tried to explain, "my hormones just get a little crazy and it's difficult to control my emotions."
But I don't think he believed me. I haven't spoken to him in over a week.

*sigh*
Well, I had fun, I suppose that's most important.
In another week it will all be a few collective memories of just another guy.

Maybe my relationships are doomed from the beginning because in this new quest for "love" I've come to expect perfection.
Or I was testing him because I didn't expect it to last.



Marco sent me an email the other day:


HI TIFFANY
HOW ARE YOU I STILL KEEP IN TOUCH WITH YOU HOW
ARE YOU DOING I WANT TO LET YOU KNOW THAT YOU ALWAYS
CROSS MY HEART FOR SOME REASON I ALWAYS LOOK AT YOUR
PIC AND YOU ARE ALWAYS BEAUTIFUL TO ME IN MY HEART
LETS KEEP IN TOUCH RIGHT KNOW I AM FLYING IN AND OUT
OF SAN DIEGO AND GOING TO AUSTIN I AM BUILDING HOMES
THERE, SO LETS KEEP IN TOUCH, I GUESS WHEN WE MET I WAS
GOING THROUGH TOO MANY THINGS.

CIAO,
MARCO WITH MUCH LOVE

I didn't reply.

Thursday, September 08, 2005

It's SO Over

2 comments
I feel like a different person when I'm with Gino. Almost as if I'm trying to be someone I'm not. Someone I desire to be. Very polite, considerate and submissive. A daughter my Mother would be proud of.

I no longer want to be her.
I want to shine brilliantly with unbriddled sensuality and deviant behavior-like I used to. I feel way too safe with him. I yearn to throw all caution to the wind again. Truely experience life, raw energy and passion.

It's so over.
We're both different now. We still don't talk but I noticed a condom missing from his 3-pack box. When I brought up the issue, he said it rolled under the couch, the box did. That's where he found it. And that's where the missing rubber must be.

I'm far from stupid. Before excusing myself from his house I said "Listen, if you're seeing someone else I really don't mind but I'm not going to compete for your attention."
Once more he reassured me, and still, I don't believe a word of it. You see I trust my instincts completely. And they tell me he's a stinking liar.
After 3 breakups and makeups I can't help but wonder what he thinks when I stop calling him for two months and text him saying I want to fuck, what goes through his mind?
Does he think I'm crazy, a nympho, confused, exciting? I do wonder.
I think I'm crazy.

At least he didn't break my heart again. The pieces are too many to put back together. This reunion was brought about solely from my need to fuck. Thank God I don't feel like I need him this time.
It's over.