Tuesday, September 28, 2004

Marco II

My plan backfired, Marco hasn't called me back. He's either more stubborn than I thought or he doesn't plan to call at all. I cannot say I'm not disappointed. My imagination painted a vivid picture of lazy summer nights, yacht parties and adventurous trips to faraway places.
I left him a message wishing him the best, closure is a must for me.

I really liked Marco. Mostly for his accent and the tentative plans we made, but he also made me feel safe. I can count the number of people I trust on one hand, trust is a gift I'm reluctant to give. After being sheltered and naive for most of my life, I learned that the hard way from Joe.

Joe was my 29 year old boyfriend when I was 17. He was built like a quarterback and had two successful businesses. When we first started dating he was the man I dreamt of. He brought me breakfast from my favorite restaurant and gave me whatever I wanted whenever I wanted it. Then things started to move fast, very fast. He said he always wanted to have a baby boy and he wanted me to have it. I began to think that he was "the one" but was I ready for a child?? I told him that I would like to finish college at the very least, before having any children.

That was when things took an ugly turn. It started one night when we were on our way to dinner. I was chattering about something or the other and hardly noticed him staring at the tongue ring I've had since I met him. He pulled over and wound down the window making me remove my tongue ring and throw it out. "Only sluts wear tongue rings" he said with disgust dripping from his voice. From then on he would constantly berate me, calling me stupid and criticizing every decision I made.

Then the hitting started. He wanted me to run an errand for him and swing by the office. I said no, I had homework and a test to study for. He pleaded and eventually I caved. I walked to the back office with a smile, expecting gratitude and thanks. Instead he had me sit on his lap and kissed me, then with no warning he flipped me over, pinning me down and started hitting me on my ass very very hard. This was not a spanking this was assault, I couldn't sit for two days. In the next few months it escalated to backhanded slaps and hickies that hurt. I just couldn't take it anymore so I broke things off. He called me at least 20 times a day, begging me to see him for just five minutes. "Five minutes?" I thought. No problem. He picked me up and practically kidnaped me, taking me far away from my house. He wanted to explain himself. But why here?

I waited for his apology while we were sitting in the car, he looked like he was thinking about what to say. Without a word he took out a gun and started imaginary target practice on a tree behind me, aiming dangerously close to my head. "Relax, the gun isn't loaded" he said. Just then it went off with a loud boom in my left ear. "Oh shit" he said. Oh shit is right, the bullet barely grazed my ear and settled into the trunk of the tree. He said he didn't mean to, he didn't know the gun was loaded but if the bullet would have hit me, he would have dumped my body in a nearby lake all the same.
By now I was scared shitless and more than ready to go home. With every ounce of self esteem and strength left in me I demanded that he take me home. I should have known better, Joe hates when people tell him what to do. He slammed my head into the passenger side window and said "What the fuck are you going to do if I don't?" then laughed. I gritted my teeth and tried not cry. Five minutes later he started the car and when we got to my house I walked out without looking back. I put a bandaid on my ear and never told a soul about what happened that day. Joe called me regularly for the next two years. I never answered.

I could not trust another man until Michael. He has helped me to trust again and grow into the person that I am now.

Sunday, September 26, 2004

A day at the casino makes me horny

He pushes me against the wall and kisses me hard. His lips are soft and full, I sink into him when we kiss. As we rip the clothes off each other we tumble into bed.

He grabs my thighs and pulls my hips to his face. Breathing heavily while parting my pussy lips with his tongue. It felt incredible as he gently strokes his tounge in and out of me. Then flicking my clit with the tip of his tongue he slides a finger into me. I'm wet and slippery, soaked with my own juices by now. He slips a second finger into me, hitting my g-spot with every stroke...
Screw this, I'm ready. I push him off me and jump on top of him. mmm.. looks like he's ready too... I position myself on top of his hard dick slowly lowering my body onto his.

*beep* *beep* *beep*

Time to get up.
It was a wet dream.
I need a cold shower.

To be continued...

Thursday, September 23, 2004


Several months have passed since the last time I had sex. It's quite pitiful actually. Now I'm trying to cultivate meaningful longterm relationships. I can't have sex with some guy after knowing him for a week without changing the dynamic of the relationship and regretting it. Hence, no booty for me.

I thought only men undressed women with their eyes, but I now know that is false. I mentally strip down every half decent man I come in contact with. Those fitness-obsessed high schoolers are looking ripe enough for plucking.
When it comes to the big O, I'm hard to please. Vibrators, dildos and my fingers do nothing for me. Only good old fashioned hardcore fucking can make me orgasm. But before I give up on self inflicted pleasure, I want to try the pocket rocket and bunny vibrator that has a clitoral stimulator mmm.
During class I find myself masturbating without touching myself(a trick I mastered in middle school). And as my arthritic 70 year old professor was handing out our in class assignment, I pictured him taking me from behind... with shaky hands and drool gleaming in the corner of his mouth.

On the plus side, maybe getting to know myself better without any distractions is a good thing. I'm pursuing hobbies that I never had time for. I also have a considerable amount of extra energy that I can use to do productive things, like writting in this blog.

Who am I kidding. I'm horny as hell.
Almost desperate enough to call Michael...
I said almost.

Wednesday, September 22, 2004


The more I think about my conversation with Michael - particularly the possibility of Marco playing me - the more I think he may be on to something. Marco is the older man I've been involved with who lives out of state. He's been behaving strangely.

Marco's fishy behavior:
1. He rarely calls me on the weekend
2. He suggested I visit him during the week, because he has to "work"
3. He uses work as an excuse for not calling me
4. He insists I see him and only him even though we're thousands of miles apart
5. He has initiated phone sex twice

I figure, maybe he's married or seriously dating someone.
Who wouldn't want the fairytale prince charming relationship he has presented me so far?
I'm not that naive.
I would settle for the mistress position, but how do I tell him that...

Step 1 - Withdraw emotionally
I haven't returned his calls for the past couple of days, when I finally talked to him yesterday he said I sounded different.
I want him to chase me so I'm acting cold and indifferent - I'm usually very upbeat.

Step 2 - Break the repetitiveness
Things between him and I have settled into a pattern, and predictability is BORING.
Today I called him and after one ring it went to his voicemail. I left a message saying "I have a question I've been meaning to ask you."
So, he'll assume I have something important to say.
When he does call I'll ask him what his intentions are for him and I, emphasizing that honesty is very important to me. Then I'll act like the bubbly girl he knows and tell him I just want someone that will take care of me and treat me like the princess I am - not a serious relationship.

Step 3 - Respond accordingly
If he wants something serious, then I will persuade him to get my ticket immediately because I miss him a lot and I want to be with him.
If he wants something casual then I will suggest we go to Vegas or Hawaii, plant sexy intricate details of the great time we could have together and continue to call him infrequently.

Monday, September 20, 2004

The Ex

My ex-boyfriend(Michael) professed his undying love for me today. He was at his cousin's house nearby so he dropped by for a chat and we wound up talking about "us". "Us" is a figment of his imagination, we have been history for at least three months now. Ours was a tumultuous relationship, with lots of fighting and fucking. It was either really good or really bad, nothing in between. It was more of an open relationship really. The logic was that we were free to do whatever we wanted but the fact that we chose to give our time to one another made it stronger than a label of "boyfriend and girlfriend" ever could. But I wanted more, I wanted a commitment.
We have been each other's booty call since we broke up; the sex is great. We also check up on each other every once in a while, he's a good listener. And now he wants me to be his girlfriend.

His proclamation was made after I told him we could no longer be intimate. For the past 3 weeks or so I've been seeing a guy who lives out of town. He is considerably older than I am, which is the way I prefer it. I have developed strong feelings for him and feel I should be faithful even though we are thousands of miles apart. I think it's very romantic. Michael chose to play devil's advocate by pointing out the ways in which this lovely older gentleman might be "playing" me. Then stating "look at what you're giving up for him!"
"I'm not giving up a thing for him" I said.
*pause* "Wait you think I'm giving you up for him?"
"Yep" said Michael.

Imagine the stunned and confused look on my face as I promptly walked him to the front door.

Sunday, September 19, 2004

Gold Digging

If a man wants a woman who takes care of herself and is gorgeous?
What is wrong with a beautiful woman who wants a man with money?

Men want unlimited sexual encounters with a beautiful woman - marriage.
Women want a secure future.

In my opinion, money = security. And the woman who goes after wealthy men is looking out for her future children and her own well being.

The woman you see walking down the street is a piece of art. A lot of maintenance - manicures, pedicures, hair cuts, waxing, bleaching, plucking and SHOPPING - goes into that piece of art.
Art reflects your lifestyle and status. If a trophy is what you want, then you must be prepared to pay.

Women should never completely depend on men. I'm not advocating the quintessential housewife who has no advanced education or job qualifications. Women must put themselves before anybody else, we must constantly seek a higher education and better paying job. But if a wealthy man - who has the means to support you - offers to help you help yourself; then why not?

What is the stigma associated with being helped by a man?

I say, it is 2004 and we have surpassed the ultra conservative lifestyle of the past.
I say, women should be allowed to choose whether or not they want to be supported by a man, without being labeled a gold digger.

Some refute that the definition of a gold digger is a woman who goes after a man only because of his money.
To this I say, are there men who go after women simply because of their looks? Men who date models exclusively?

In both cases, the relationship will not last. People who marry for money soon realize that money is not everything, they are miserable, and perhaps they deserve to be.
I do think love can be developed from a friendship, but I don't think it can be faked.
In the end, real love and respect perseveres.

People are shallow by nature, it's time to be less critical and more open minded.