Sunday, July 16, 2006

Namaste

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I've just come back from my first yoga class and oh my, what an experience. I don't know why I never tried it before, I've always meant to. Before I left, refreshingly light headed and sweating everywhere, I signed up for a full month.

I don't speak to Michael anymore. When last I saw him, about a month ago, he wanted to have sex with me and I could sense it. Not that I mind fucking him, it's usually a good time. What I resented was that he expected it. He knows about MM and other men I've had sex with for something tangible, he brought all my favorite things and I felt like he was trying to buy me. Needless to say I was turned off. After attempting to avoid his groping and kisses, I made some paltry excuse about seeing someone else. He took a long pause, exhaled then screamed at me "you know what?? fuck this, we might as well not see each other at all." Then he walked out and slammed the door. After I heard him drive off I locked the door behind him. Meeting MM has raised my standards and dating a horny college student simply isn't on my list of things to do.

Gino called again but I quickly put an end to things, I think my heart was ready to let go. I've always had a tremedously difficult time getting over men that I've let into my heart. But Gino's changed me in that way, to him I must say thank you for teaching me how to let go.

So I've been spending a lot of time by myself with David Deida books and classical music; reflecting on my decisions, why I've made them and what I can do to stop negative experiences from reoccuring. I've also felt really numb, not allowing myself to feel because it's painful.
I went to get a foot massage and pedicure to soothe me and as the pedicurist vigorously scrubbed my foot with a pumice stone, the lady next to me looked on with a twisted face.
"Doesn't that tickle the hell out of you?" she asked.
My pedicurist answered for me, "She doesn't feel anything." He had no idea how right he was.