Thursday, March 31, 2005

Road Kill

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Now I really know what it feels like to kill another living being.

I didn't see him until it was too late,
perched on the very edge of the dampened sidewalk,
poised to make a dash accross the street.
Determined to survive.

I exclaimed.
My car swerved left, then right.
And that's when I heard it,
the sickening crunch of his little bones being crushed beneath my tire.
I think it was his head.
A tear drop. Poor squirrel never had a chance.

Thursday, March 24, 2005

Alex

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"So, when do I meet your Mother?"
I almost choked on my filet mignon.
Alex was eager to make the acquaintance of my family after just a few weeks. I suppose it's a good thing because it shows that his intentions are pure. But as I sat there imagining the look on my Mother's face after introducing her to my 46 year old boyfriend, I burst into laughter. "What's so funny? Won't she like me?" Alex asked nervously.
I replied reassuringly, "Of course she will darling."
It's not as if she has a choice. My Mother pays little attention to my romantic life, after all I am a woman and it is none of her business.

My relationship with Alex is progressing at a steady pace, we've wined and dined at wonderful restaurants and have a generally lovely time all without sex involved; I haven't engaged in such a courtship since I was in highschool! He no longer irritates me(as much) because I try to calm his insecurities with soothing responses and compliment him on a regular basis, he appears to be more secure. He's great company although he seems quite eager to take things to the next level, physically. Frankly, I'm surprised he has resisted jumping my bones for this long.

Sometimes I wonder if that's what this is to him; a tryst with a 21 year old is great locker room material. How serious is he about me? I know I'm quite mature and a great catch but what does a 46 year old man want with a 21 year old?
I've come to the realization that I'm not interested in short term flings with filthy rich men. I'm much more interested in a satisfying long term relationship with someone I can grow to love. As a girlfriend I am extremely loyal and dedicated to my partner, the hard part is finding someone who deserves my trust.
From time to time he does mention future plans with me in mind which can slightly startle someone who has been terrified of commitment for most of her life.
I also get the feeling he never settles for less than absolutely gorgeous women. Not to say that I'm devastatingly good looking, but the way he goes on, I have no doubt that I am.


PS: I know I would be a complete idiot for sending Gino a gift on his birthday, but the situation was a little more complicated than I let on. We had sex on a friday afternoon and the very same evening his bestfriend saw me out on the town with a couple of male friends and must have reported this to him.
He didn't call me for a couple of days because he was testing me, trying to gage how much I liked him by my reaction.

I know this because I used to do the same thing and when I asked him bluntly he could not reply without stuttering. The last time I spoke to him he was still upset that I "made him stoop to calling me with his number blocked like some sort of highschool kid." In short I bruised his ego but I think he was scared that he felt so strongly for me after just a couple of weeks especially with the memories of his past failed relationships still fresh in his mind. Gino wasn't ready to make any sort of commitments to me, not even a phone call.

I was never needy in any way and I don't feel I did anything wrong therefore my conscience is clear. But it's hard for me to let this one go because
the instant safety and peace I felt with him was incomparable. Even though he's a handful I can't help but wonder if he thinks about me, or if I was just another notch on his belt. Perhaps it's simply a case of me wanting what I can't have.

Thursday, March 17, 2005

Back on Track

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For the past couple of weeks I have been dating Alex, who happens to be the nicest, most thoughtful and giving individual I have ever met. Problem is, I can't stand him. The first week of nonstop phone calls was tolerable, he bought me a small but very considerate gift without me asking and I really appreciated it. Especially after dating Gino who thought the entire world revolved around him; dating someone who doesn't have their own personal interest in mind at all times is a pleasant change.

Come to think of it, I do tend to gravitate towards arrogant, stubborn alpha males. Bad boys. There's something about young reckless wealthy men that I simply can't resist; add an admirable physique and I fall in love. I could never turn down such a challenge, having a strong uncompromising man cave in to my every whim and desire gives me an intense high.

Lately I've been thinking of Gino, a lot. His slanted brown eyes and full red lips... sigh
Today I got it into my head to send him a Harry and David gift on his birthday which is in a month. I flipped through the catalogue, picked a lovely basket and set the date in my PDA. My irrational impulse to contact him may be pre-menstrual hormones kicking in; I truly hope it is unless I'm about to make a complete fool of myself.
So here I am, yearning to kiss the lips of a man who never returned my calls. While the efforts of another, who seems perfect for me, goes unnoticed.

The truth of the matter is that Alex is a 46 year old man with three children(one minor) who has been married three times. Talk about baggage. He's also discussed his most recent relationship with me, in depth. Apparently he broke up 3 months ago with a victoria's secret model look a like who used him up and ended up getting back together with her ex husband, who works for the mob. So he has nothing, after three divorces and a sugarbaby he's drained. But, he's a resilient fellow, he "does well but wants to be rich" and has no doubt he will be in a matter of time. We'll see.

In addition to his emotionally unstable relationship history, he does many things that bug the hell out of me. The most irritating is that he texts me 20 times a day with mushy shit like "I can't get you out of my mind, I can hardly wait to see you again". While I am a romantic at heart, I am not touchy-feely in any way. Giving each other nicknames and saying I love at every opportunity makes my stomach churn.
I feel if I'm truly in love, I do not need to over-extend myself by being mushy. He's also very needy, the other day he noted that I never give him any compliments. Usually, I date confident men who do not need their egos stroked, he does. He seems to be in need of my assurance at times and he fishes for responses from me on a regular basis, that in itself is quite annoying.
Usually I just tell him what he wants to hear because he seems like not only an excellent sugar daddy but a potential boyfriend as well. I really do enjoy his company when he's not irritating me.
But how do I foster this relationship without exposing my displeasure? Should I cut down the time we spend together or just hold my tongue? Patience is not a virtue that I encompass, this must be remedied immediately.
If not, I will be surprised if it lasts more than two months.

Tuesday, March 01, 2005

Unrequited Love

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After Gino and I had sex for the first time, he didn't call me for two days following. When he finally called me I didn't pick up, he left a message and had this playful tone in his voice that seriously irritated me, because I felt used and rejected at the time. And he continued to call me for the remainder of the day; I didn't answer any of his calls. The next day he called me and blocked his number. I don't usually pick up my blocked calls but I did that day and boy do I regret it.
He asked me why I wasn't answering his calls, told me he was sorry for not calling and that he missed me. He also said he thought that I was overreacting to the entire situation.
Overreacting? I just fucked a man and he didn't call me for two days! I was pissed off.
We ended up getting together, I was still upset and told him so. To which he replied "Well, I don't know what to say, your temper is very intimidating." I didn't drag the matter out any longer, I was eager to put the bullshit behind us and move on. When we parted I was under the impression that everything was peaches.
Apparently not, he hasn't called me since.

I cannot help but chastize myself for once again falling in love with the wrong type of man. I seem to be attracted to emotionally unavailable men. I knew going in that Gino was guarded and a bit sensitive from being hurt in the past. But yet I charged on, wanting to show him how wonderful love can be and hoping for a change of heart. The truth of the matter is that he is not ready for a relationship. I have cried for the many possibilities of our love and the loss of what I thought was a great connection. Now I'm over it.

If I had the chance to speak to Gino once more I would say:
"I'm grateful for making your acquaintance and I do hope the feeling is mutual. We've shared many laughs and pleasures, even though this is ending quite differently than we both imagined. I hope that when you think of me you can smile and wonder how I am doing.
I wish you good luck in life and in love. I'm sure you'll be more successful than you can possibly imagine."