Wannabe Sugarbaby

Friday, June 22, 2007

I Can't Believe it's June!

I'm such a procrastinator! I bought a self-help book on procrastination months ago and still haven't read it. Anyway, I've been meaning to write, I really have, mostly because I miss writing this blog dearly. A lot has happened...

I've learned so much about myself from these men who made appearances in my life. And I don't have any sad feelings or regrets when I think about them.

And I thank you too for being part of my journey. No one tells you what it's like to grow up.. the hurt and the pain, building a life independent of your parents. Finding friends, a family of your own choosing.

The affair with MM ended months before our actual conclusion.
I was ready to let go completely.
I found myself getting annoyed with little things that he did. Little things that I thought were adorable when we first met, I began to loathe. I never loved him, but as soon as the lust began to wear off, so did my enthusiasm.
Our last night together he touched my breast and I barked back "I'm not in the mood right now!" He made several more attempts to reignite what we once had.

MM was easy to let go of... because I never really loved him.
It was an "arrangement of convenience" in the purest terms of the phrase.
Along the way we both got lost.
I wanted security and marriage.
He wanted exclusivity and stability.
In fact I think he went as far as drawing up a prenuptial agreement with his legal council.
I loved the idea of him with me.
The sugardaddy and sugarbaby, legally bound and satisfied with each other.

But then what?
My ever beating heart lacked the passion that fueled it.
I would never be happy with MM. Only satisfied.
So I began to withdraw, his control issues and ED made it easy.
I began to see him as an old man with insecurities more severe and unchangeable than mine.
And it was sad.

He asked me if a was seeing someone else, as I was never in the mood to fuck him anymore.
Well, the answer was yes, I was seeing other people... but being fully conscious of his emotional attachment to me, I only confessed to one.
"I must admit" I replied reluctantly, "I am seeing someone else."

Then a hidden side of him to which I had not yet been exposed to revealed itself.
"WHAT??" he bellowed, "I've asked you this before and the answer was always no, how long has this been going on??"
"About two months" I replied, quickly adding "but we haven't had sex yet."
"I don't believe you, knowing how high your libido is, I find it hard to believe you've abstained from sex for the last two months."
And he was right, I couldn't go that long without sex. But after having incredible fuck sessions with a certain man, I realized how awful MM was in bed.

For most of our relationship, I rejected any propositions that came my way.
Feeling it was only fair to reserve my carnal desires for him and only him.
It worked well for a while. Though he was easily pacified, sex with him was like being fondled by a teenager in the backseat of a car.
As time went on, my allowance decreased. He seemed to take for granted my presence in his life. My intuitive response was to withdraw emotionally and physically.
So I bid adieu to MM soon to be DM (Divorced Man).

posted by Tiff @ 10:46 AM | 5 comments