Thursday, November 04, 2010

Now and Then

Sometimes I read my past posts and revel at my naiveté.  I was so young and went through so many men!   This blog is a gift to myself.  Maybe one day it will be a book but I feel lucky to have documented my growth.

When I began this journey… I was very young and fresh, unsure of where I would land.  I was trying to figure out many things but I knew I wanted something grand.  Then, it was a man, one that could support me completely and lavish me with expensive things.  That was ultimate nirvana to me.  I was in school and although that was paid in full by my parents luxuries were hard to come by, so was freedom.  I yearned for freedom.  Being the wild child that I was, I found a way to be free, in way… through men.  Only now as I look back do I see a pattern of choosing unavailable men, specifically married men.  They really are the easiest sugar daddies.  Married men have another full and demanding life completely separate from me.  When we meet our interaction is meant to be light hearted fun, no heavy bullshit.  I love that, it makes me happy to know I am blessing someone’s life with love and positive energy and no bullshit.  In turn my bills are paid and I live in luxury.  Until it ends, as it always does.

Now…  I am a woman, a captain of my own ship.  I am completely in charge of any destiny I want to create and I am very aware of that.  The majority of my time is spent pursuing my dreams, independent of wealthy men.  Although I use my sexuality for personal gain in different way, I no longer chase accomplished men, they gravitate to me when I’m not looking and I usually turn them down.  I feel freer than I’ve ever felt, I feel in control.  Perhaps that’s what they admire, a woman who knows who she is and is unwilling to settle for less than she’s worth.   In these days of nsa relationships and pay for play arrangements that must be rare.

Thank you for the comments of concern about my last relationship.  It was a difficult time.  I wrote that post a while ago but only chose to publish it recently, after all the residual emotional effect was gone.  I’ve since gone on trips with The Asshole of the Century and our relationship has changed drastically, I’ll be sure to give him a more fitting name in the future.  It was only after spending several nights with him, in separate beds of course, that I was sure I no longer harbored feelings for him.  Now I only feel basic human compassion with a twinge of pity for him. “Staying together for the kids” is a rough position to be in.  His life is devoid of unbridled passion, and certainly he can continue to pursue but he will never have complete freedom with a woman that he truly loves because of his obligations.  I understand it, which doesn’t make his lies and deceit acceptable, but it does make him more humane in my eyes.  I want to see him happy, I carry no ill-will towards him.  And I sincerely hope he has learned from his wrong doings.

He wasted two and a half years of my life and didn’t think twice about it. His selfish inclinations have upped my guard and compounded my fear of commitment but I’m working through it.  I strive to learn from all my experiences and he provided an important lesson.  Never question your intuition, as a woman ours are stronger for a reason.  If you feel it, you must react.  Do not delay.  And never, ever, trust a man completely.

Pain is part of life, we learn most from our greatest struggles.  Emotionally, this was my greatest accomplishment, being able to truly forgive, move on, and grow.


Anonymous said...

Pain most definitely is what makes a person stronger. Even though what he did to you was insensitive and selfish, if you learned something and gained something out of that experience, that's what matters most. You live life, get hurt, learn and move on (it sounds a lot easier than it is)

Keep going, don't look back. Like you said, you're a woman in charge of your destiny now! You're blog is extremely inspiring.

It's good that you recognize that you deserve better, no matter how much it may hurt. Keep going girl, you'll find someone that's perfect for you :)

Anonymous said...

Hey girl, i feel the exact same way as you! I think we both had the exact same situation too.

I fell very deeply in love with my sugar daddy! (I finally fell for him after three months of knowing him, but i always liked him. No man will ever be like him.)

About 6 -9 months of sneaking around, we did end up turning into a couple going steady. He left his wife for me. Well, thats what he said.

Our chemistry and passion was intense and quite enjoyable.

Then we started getting into the habit of non stop fighting because we were spending too much time together it think.

In the beginning, he wanted me more, and said he loved me within like 3 weeks. Then two and a half years later, i got dissed and dismissed for good after continuously doing the makeup breakup(like 5-10 of these). I chased him and he took me back after a week or two. A couple times, he called me back and said he was sorry. Then, another breakup emerged, as i told him i am not taking his crap and took off.

This was our longest breakup, three months to be exact.
I felt like it was truly the end for me. I called and he ignored.

Three months later he emails me, notifying me of his thoughts about me and asking if we can try to be just friends.

He tells me that he has slept with some women, after taking my advice about coping with the loss of a loved mate through excessive dating.

We end up having sex two more times and get into a fight the next morning. This fight was the last straw. Again, i started emailing him since he didnt give me his new number. After a week and a half of his rejection and lack of response, He told me he doesnt need the pressure as he started a new job after quitting his 25 yr job. That fired me up and forced me to send an emailing of name calling so, back to the ignoring for a couple more weeks.

He finally emailed me back after a couple of weeks. Then it was the dreaded "Just leave me alone".

I wanted to die !!! I was so depressed!

A month or two after the last email, i went by his house to see try to get him back, and another womans car there. I knocked on the door, no answer.

Now almost three months later, im still trying to forget him.

You're right, men can never be loyal and capable of giving unconditional love. We did have our problems and i was partly to blame.

We met when i was 22 and he was 46 btw.

Keep your head up girl.

seniors dating free said...

If life were a fairy tale,Lovers would surely be cast in the good n lovely roles.

Anonymous said...

This is an inspirational post. It's funny looking back at yourself first entering the sugar world. It changes you, but sometimes for the better.